Contact

I am no longer going to be active on Twitter as a user anymore from this point onwards.  If you want to know where I am, follow the link on my Twitter profile where it tells you how you can email me and see me on other social media platforms.

Or click this link here https://tardycreative.com/email-me-2/

Twitter will still receive updates from my blog, but that is an automatic input – I am not closing my account like I originally planned because I am living in hope that Elon Musk will sell the site to someone who isn’t a control freak or a bully like he is!

So with that being said, I may become more active on other social media platforms and this blog instead.  This blog might become livelier until I find a true Twitter replacement.

My favourite social media platforms outside of Twitter are Mastodon and Instagram but I don’t like to post too many pictures, so Instagram will be pretty limited.

I am looking for something that is like a flash blog social media site where I can update things when and as they happen and see other people’s updates, but also where I can post gifs and memes etc. because those are fun ways to express yourself!

I haven’t been able to get used to the whole “no algorithm” thing on mastodon yet, but I am trying to make that site my main thing.

Also Google has an email system I use, but they also have google chat where you can do live chats with people on there – generally not an open forum style, but it is something to contemplate if you ever want to contact me there and chat with me?

TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

Thanks for reading!

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Conspiracies…

Paul has told me something strange recently about people online.

He has told me that some people are quite upset about me in some way and it is causing issues in their lives, whilst others seem to be delighted about discovering me.

He seems very sure that I have a brand new life waiting for me and that something major is going to occur by the end of the month.

What?  He won’t tell me.

But he is practically packing my bags!

I don’t do gossip and rumours and I am a little flummoxed and upset that there is so much of it going on about me and my life and that people are actively doing things in their lives which is upsetting others. 

Paul claimed these very rumours are a small part of why he decided we should separate last June.

It’s frustrating because Paul is determined that I know something about these rumours and that I am denying any knowledge of it – he is slowly trying to accept I am in the dark – because I really am!  But he is both puzzled and confident about something is going to happen.

It’s all a big mess.

I wished I knew what the blazes he is on about and what the blazes all these mysterious messages I keep getting online from places.  It’s like I have fallen into a huge conspiracy theory or something and I don’t like it!

People are trying to drop hints at me about things, but it is all cryptic and I am not smart enough to understand any of it – what the blooming heck is going on please?

If anyone would care to tell me, email me at TheTardyCreative@gmail.com because I am not sleeping over it, Paul is sure I am going to have a huge upheaval soon and move out – but I am not privy to this if it’s true and I want to know why?

I sound like a crazy woman right now – but I have to put it out there, because whoever is causing all of this, one thing I do have clarity on is that they read this blog daily!

I need to know what’s going on so I can start making plans in my life and get things in order – I can’t just up and go like Paul seems to think I can!

It’s all stupid and doesn’t make sense!

Paul is convinced someone is going to contact me quite soon – so if they are… why aren’t they?

What do they want and why is Paul trying to talk me into packing?

Paul has already told me, yes we’ve separated but I don’t need to move out and he personally isn’t eager for me to move out – he has told me this – but something is going on and he won’t spill the beans!

Come on… what’s the big mystery for?

It’s causing arguments here and ructions and I am not sleeping because of it and I am starting to get ill due to prolonged anxiety because Paul is very convincing something is afoot!

Thanks for reading!

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Chess

Life is like a game of chess.

You are a pawn to play.

Life has these strategies to move you along.

Some of them are kind to you and others set you challenges.

Some of the strategies are a complete mystery, a curse or a blessing.

Whatever!

But yes, life is like a game of chess.

What will the next move be?

Guess…

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Art & poetry books

I really miss doing art.

I am glad I am getting supplies again, but it’s not just the supplies that is the problem, it’s the where I can do art that is.

I’ve mentioned before my private spaces are just not respected in this house, my art table is getting messier and messier over time with other people’s junk and nobody is making effort to tidy up after themselves so I can use my art table for what it supposed to be used for – ART!

Henry has been given a project at school to complete by his birthday in May – this is to complete a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle on his own at home to then take to the school to show the teacher his project has been completed – this is entirely doable, however, this means I have to dismantle my puzzle for him to start a new one so he can do this and this means that he will now need to use the art table to do it.

We used to have a decorating table for my puzzle, but the piles of junk around the house have hidden it and we can’t find it.

Life here is getting above a blooming joke now.

Instead, I am contemplating making a cushion fort in the corner of my bedroom to sit on the floor cross-legged with my pooh board covered in cling film so I can use that as an art table and paint in the bedroom – not ideal, because water and paints on a carpet protected only by old magazines is not ideal and my position will be behind a door. 

Whenever people come into the room to tell me anything they literally bust into the room and the door usually bounces off whatever is behind it, which when I do my art fort will be me and the jar of water no doubt!

I want to start painting some covers for my poetry books I am going to start making to sell on Amazon.

I am desperate to compile several anthologies of my poetic works as eBooks and paperbacks through Amazon publishers.

I also wanted to start my self-employment before Easter and a major part of that was selling my artwork in various formats and selling things via SquareSpace.

Some of my previous artworks I wanted to find a way to send the images to a company in order to create toys from the characters I’ve made.  I don’t know how to do that yet, but I am learning as I go along.

I’ve always wanted to design toys like this; I have a big love for soft toys.

Thanks for reading…

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Loveless Hell

Though it’s grey and dark

My heart still beats

Slow with apathy

Slow with pain

I question will I love again?

Or is my heart still doomed?

I sit amongst the gloom

Soaked with tears

I’ve sat in this position for years

Wondering will my heart beat with the throes of spring

Or will it forever sting?

My tears have burned scars into my face

Will I ever be in a happy place?

Time will tell

Till then I am in a loveless Hell

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Raven warrior day

Today I feel like a warrior, the raven warrior I used to be.

I feel like dressing up in my old black clothes and wearing my raven feathered necklace and rethinking about designing that raven feather cloak I have always wanted to make.

I miss my gothic make-up today; I used to be a Goth as a teenager and into my mid-twenties – a big contrast to the semi-kawaii style I like these days.

I was the Gothic Jock type at school, but also sort of nerdy – because I was an A & B grade student mostly and I was teased for it some of the time, though I never flaunted it and tried to conceal my grades wherever possible – because in my family, nobody got grades like that it is a sort of anomaly, a weird thing which I held close to my heart in shame.

My dad and his side of the family was the only people I felt comfortable knowing my grades, because on dad’s side of the family there are teachers and government workers, so education is important to them and it’s not a cause for shame there.

But today, I am the raven warrior again – or at least it’s the first time in years I feel like she’s been awakened again.

At least I do have some black clothes, though no make-up – at least I can sort of feel like my old self again, in part. 

A black lace cami, a long black skirt, a back flowing shrug, black socks though ruined by pink diamonds, but you can’t have everything in this place.  It’s a cheerful day, despite the kind of poetry I am producing and despite looking mournful – to me it’s a brighter day in my heart.

I wonder why the raven spirit in me is so strong today?

I used to be called Raven Mother by some people in the past – sometimes The Raven Warrior – sometimes The Vampire – sometimes the warrior goddess  and I tried to get people to call me Raven but they didn’t do it, because I guess they didn’t like my sense of humour in being known as The Raven Lunatic, haha.

Some people have no sense of fun – in fact most, don’t.

I had lots of interesting nicknames before I moved in with Paul and every ounce of my identity in all of them has gone, you wouldn’t recognise me now from what I used to be.

I may have been abused badly in my past and mostly isolated – but to be honest I did still socialise on my mother’s terms and I did so more often than I do now I live with Paul.  I may have been living day to day scared for my life with violence and unpredictable people and living day to day with loss after loss – but strangely enough, I was happier then than I am now.  I still don’t understand it.

Maybe I was happy because of how many people used to visit?  Maybe I was happier because I was a lot richer back then and never had to wait months between necessary non-food purchases?  Maybe I was happier because I had more personal freedom around the home, even though I had copious amounts of duties and chores to do between them?

I don’t know.

As I said, I am still puzzled by it.

How can someone be so happy in a situation where day to day they are not sure if they would be alive by the end of the day?

Food for thought I guess?

Yet when I was in that situation I was desperate to get away because I was under so much stress, I often had black outs because things got too much for me and I had to constantly make excuses to non-family people about why I can’t be normal, why I can’t just take their invitation on the spur of a moment etc – because there was often a violent backlash if I did.  Not from them or from me, but if my mother found out she’d go nuts and literally hunt the person down.

So the raven took her flight and said “Nevermore” to that situation and came to live with Paul.

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under Who am I today?

TV and simple life’s pleasures

From the other day I forgot to mention another fandom I am hugely into; Dr Who.  The thing is, since living with Paul I am behind on all the series of Dr Who because it is a fight for me to watch anything in this house without being disturbed.

So I am several years out of sync with the TV and movie trends.

It’s annoying, because before I moved in with Paul I watched TV about 2 hours a day, usually movies or sci-fi, fantasy series and along with this I used to also buy specific magazines in the genre I am interested in – such as Rock music magazine and Sci-Fi Now.

For the six months living with Paul we didn’t own a TV, he didn’t want one and it was a battle to convince him to get one – he didn’t, my mum gave me one of her old ones instead and then he had to go and get a TV license, he resented her for this.

It’s one of the small things I was actually grateful of my mother doing!

These days I kind of keep up to date with things by watching movie and TV news on YouTube, so I am not totally in the dark about what’s going on – but I sit and watch in envy because I know most of the things I see up there are out of my budget and reach and I will only ever see things if it turns up on Freeview at a convenient time where the household isn’t going to disturb me!

Convenient times are hard to come by – generally I am left alone between 8:30 and 10pm most evenings, but Sunday is the best time for me if I want to watch something.  7pm to 10pm, this is why I was able to watch Lucifer until the seventh episode – I didn’t get to see anymore because Henry was sick and I missed a week and if I miss a week I know I can’t get it back so I gave it up.  It’s a shame because I got to like that series a lot!

We have watched “Zomboat” and “What we do in the shadows”, Paul and I because it was on around 10 or 11pm at night and its horror comedy, which Paul is OK with.

I have never gone to the cinema as an adult either; the last time I saw anything on cinema was when I was 12yrs old and that was Jurassic Park!

Simple life’s pleasures like watching TV seems a feat in this house, it’s so bloody weird how everything seems unobtainable whilst I live here – it’s like the house has cursed me!

I’m pretty sure my lung problem is to do with the damp, Paul denies it! 

Thanks for reading! 

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Just one game…

I’m a recovering gaming addict.

I used to play games for hours when I was bedbound sick every single day, right up until around Easter 2022 when I decided enough is enough!

I am tired of being sick and gaming and doing nothing else – I am tired of pretending to be a farmer on Sims4 because I can’t garden anymore.  I am tired of being a Sims character with a dog, because I can’t have a dog.  I am tired of living a virtual life!

I knew that once I gave up gaming that I might go round the twist pretty quickly because it was the only thing that took my mind off the pain I have every day.

But I came to the conclusion that if I wasn’t gaming as much, then I would be practising art and writing more and for a time that was true.

You have no idea how much I actually miss gaming!

Especially since today I learned that Sims4 updates are becoming cooler than ever!

Sims4 wasn’t the only game I was addicted to when I was a gamer in early 2022 – no – I loved Rome Total war and a Warhammer card game – I loved Bee swarm simulator on Roblox and other games on Roblox too, since I was a toddler I have been a gamer chick!

It was something I held in shame for most of my life, but around the end of 2021 I started to become proud of it and even thought about being a gamer on YouTube doing reviews because of free promotional stuff peeps get on there!

But then I started to try and get mature.

I don’t know why I wanted to do that, because giving up gaming is the only thing that I did – everything else about me is as immature as ever and I am not ashamed to consider myself one of life’s Peter Pan types.

On Twitter today I posted how I want to play Sims4 again today and how I want to eat popcorn and game all night and I really do – but it won’t actually happen… why?

My big gaming machine is downstairs in the living room and we only have heating down there for two hours a day and those two hours are around the time I would eat dinner approximately.  Henry has the habit these days whenever he sees me on that machine he either wants to play himself so I can’t enjoy my time on it – or he will try to control which games I play so he can observe or play with me through his laptop – so it’s never my time anymore!

I am starting to get back into the gaming mind-set for the last three days because Henry demanded I go on Facebook Trainstation to play with him for half an hour because he wants boosts and international trains from me to help him get an achievement.

I don’t particularly like Trainstation because its more or less the same all the time and I am bored of it, I got bored of it around five years ago.

But I have got roped into about an hour of that a day since the weekend and its boring – plus I am a little upset it is eating into the time for the only game I play these days which is FlightRising.

I play flightrising as my writing warm up exercise for about 45 to 90 minutes a day, thanks to Trainstation I am only there for ten minutes just to feed the dragons and turn their eggs and scavenge.

I am upset because I have projects I wanted to do on that; I wanted to gene up some of my baby nocturnes from the Night of the Nocturnes festival and level them all up to 25 in the coliseum to sell, because they are all 1st generation babies, which makes them extra special to other gamers.

I can earn approximately 300k of treasure in game per day, but at this rate, with Henry’s demands for Train station, I am barely able to get 30k a day now.  Ordinarily that would mean I could splice a gene every two days, but now it could take a month!

I seem to be losing more and more ability to do what I want or need in every manner these days, even eat – it’s all so dumb – everything thing has been taken out of my control!

It’s not just Paul interfering anymore with what I do, it’s now Henry.

I can’t eat most of my dinners anymore, because it’s really stressful.  It’s stressful to sit at the dining table with my family, because of the arguments and when I get tense I can’t eat or I start purging, so oftentimes I am going hungry or eating in vain because I can’t keep it down!

Since Henry has been diagnosed with autism it’s like it has given Henry permission to completely revert back to being a toddler!

I go to the toilet and I am disturbed all the time, because he is demanding attention.  I wouldn’t mind, I would love to give him attention and get him off the laptop and talk with me – but he does it every time I go to the toilet – I am deaf, I can’t hear him through the door and when I finish he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.  This is starting to mess up my system if you get me?

Not that you needed to know that, but this is how highly stressed I am these days living here – I have stomach ache a lot and the only time I can relax toileting these days is after 1am when I know the whole house is going to be quiet and not disturb me!

It’s not right living like this and when I talk to people about their behaviour here, it gets vicious – it gets nasty, I just can’t talk to them anymore, they just won’t be civilised with each other or to me anymore!

I am severely depressed by it all because I feel so trapped here and I am!

I just can’t seem to do anything!

A simple thing like eating a meal, going to the toilet or playing a half hour game on my big machine can cause huge ructions and stress!

I am having nightmares about it – seriously!

The amounts of boring things I used to do day to day is actually becoming something like Ground Hog Day dreams at night time – so I am not getting any respite from reality lately.

I am waking up, thinking certain things have been done, to find they haven’t been – then the realisation it was just a dream starts to eat away at me and I start feeling hopeless and tearful again – because I was pretty sure I swept the stairs last night!

I was pretty sure we bought the new mop.

I was pretty sure the bad neighbour was seen moving out yesterday!

I am pretty sure I found my missing vampire files last night! 

It’s all really sending me around the twist now.

I really feel like I am descending into madness and everything is like déjà vu or repeating itself! 

Maybe I am already dead and I am trapped in limbo like my mum always said I would be, because I am not baptised and was born out of wedlock – I am after all, in her opinion “The Devil’s child” anyway! 

Thanks for reading and pray for my sanity please!

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Wake up sleepy head

Wake up sleepy head

You sleep your life away

You dream of better things

Whilst you could have played

Wake up sleepy head

Life is short but sweet

Don’t sleep your life into oblivion

Go and live this treat

Wake up sleepy head

Don’t snore your life away

Get up and start the things you want

Create a better day!

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Filed under poetry

Twitter last straw

I am getting tired of the unpredictability of Twitter these days; I dislike how things seem to be insecure there – DMs being deleted before they can be read, friends being forcibly removed as followers and having to refollow me time and again.

My circles and lists are being deleted and added at random – lots of things I don’t feel happy about and it all started with a conversation from a certain person on there around early December – a person who was rejected fiercely by me.

They tried to follow me on other social media accounts but I blocked them.

I tried to block them on Twitter but they somehow got unblocked again – I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all!

I don’t find Twitter secure at all – I don’t think peoples private conversations are private anymore either – this is highly disturbing!

I have to leave the platform and I am deleting it on the 5th of February – I believe it’s unsafe for anyone to share any secrets on Twitter even in private nowadays because of this.  It’s UNSAFE – get off there if you truly value your privacy and don’t talk about anything you don’t want getting out with people.

I am closing it on the 5th because I believe someone could contact me between now and then and I know they are busy right now – but really I wished they would try and contact me on some other medium.

Please check out my EMAIL ME page on this blog, there are lots of options for you.

Thanks for reading!

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