Category Archives: Defining myself

What defines me? What are my likes and dislikes, who am I really?

A silly dream

One thing I didn’t realise or remember about having an Alexa Echo Dot thingy, is that I can get to hear my kindle books on it, spoken aloud by Alexa herself!  I am excited about that because my Kindle stopped working around two years ago I had loads of books on it, downloaded a load of free classic literature.

Today I sat through and heard the first three chapters of The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole, for the first time – it’s quite a good read actually.  I have wanted to read that story for years!

I can totally understand why so many classic horror novelists have owed their inspiration to it!

Because of the book and because of the music, I have found myself daydreaming about my vampires again – yes I know there are no vampires in the story, but still, the thought is there.

The music I have been listening today have been my vampire playlist, but I have started to create a new vampire playlist now, one that concentrates mostly on classical music because of the time period I am thinking about.

My music tastes are more than just a little bit eclectic; I do in fact listen to classical music about half the time actually and my paternal family has always been into classical music and that side of the family has always been musical and involved with entertainment in some manner of speaking.

I for example, was classically trained in opera as a young child, until my mum got fed up forking out the money for something she didn’t find productive, my dad and his family were very distressed at her stopping this.

I love a lot of different types of musical interests, Jazz, soul, rock and alternative with classical or classical fusion and world music.  I have never been to a music concert before, unless you include local classical orchestra that is and nobody really wants to hear that I have gone to those, because they expect you to say some cooler like a rock band or something.

But I have always been a huge fan of Vivaldi, George Gershwin, Beethoven, Vaughn Williams and Tchaikovsky to name but a few.  I even like modern classical from John Williams, Alan Silvestre and Brad Fiedel which are movie composers.

I am one of these strange people that when she watches a movie, she lets the whole thing consume her – the visuals, the acting, the audio – background music, it is all taken in by me.  I am not happy to just watch a movie and enjoy it; I like to know where that music came from in scene whatever and well that’s just me, I am a geek, what can I say?

Since I was very small I had loads of dreams about being some kind of composer myself, lyricist, but also a director or something along those lines.  But the thing is I could never narrow down what I wanted to focus on, because I like the whole caboodle. 

I want to be an artist, I want to do the music, I want to design the costumes, I want to help the props, I want to write songs, I want to write the stories and for a good few years as a child I used to roleplay being a radio DJ too!

But because I can’t focus which one, I never threw myself into it, because I would literally run around trying to do the whole thing!

I have so many interests and I let a project consume me, I remember when I was in college I was part of an amateur dramatics group and I couldn’t choose my focus and my friends loved me, but found my lack of focus on one or two aspects very frustrating and distracting!

They loved my dedication but would often cry into their hands about “Tina, please just focus”!

Most of them pushed me into the acting, writing or prop making as they felt those things were my best strengths.  But I wasn’t keen on the acting, though they kept trying to steer me into it as they believed I was amazing.  But I didn’t want that, I knew that, I knew that I didn’t want that part of it, but I wanted everything else, lol.

In the last few weeks of being in that group, I was primarily writer and they enjoyed it – but then they started to try and shift my genre focus.   “You do better horror and psychological thrillers than anything else” they said.

By that time I knew my time was up, because my mum didn’t like me doing this in my spare time after college, she wanted me home in the evenings and didn’t like how many friends I was making and didn’t like me leaving the college to go into London with my friends to do things like street miming.

I love mime artists.

Recently I have new desires and I am not taking myself seriously over it, because I am starting way too late.

This new desire is one of the reasons why I am losing weight and trying to get good fitness levels back.  I want to join an adult beginner’s gymnastics class, as silly as that sounds.

Because my whole life I have wanted to do something and I had never confessed it to anyone because of how stupid it is!

I am one of these people who want to run away with the circus, kind of – but not quite!

Since I was a child I would often find myself listening to classical music and imagining myself as a circus acrobat, primarily trapeze, trampolines or tight rope walking.  I often saw myself in the circus glamour and doing my stuff – but more recently, as silly as it sounds, I have thought of myself doing this in a comedy sketch form.  A clown in fact, but I am not interested in any circus.  I am inspired by the Cirque Du Soleil.

I know it will take me around fifteen years to get to the standard they would hire, so this is why I am not taking myself seriously.

It’s just a stupid big dream of mine.

I have even thought about the clown design I would have for myself.

I don’t want it as a long term career, I just want to do my show on tour for a year and then give up, because it is something I would have worked hard to do and ticked off my bucket list – one of the BIG dream tick offs!

But as I said, I don’t think it will ever happen and it is just a silly dream after all, I can barely walk two miles without coming to my knees right now – still recovering from eight years of bedbound sickness, this is why I am not taking it seriously.

But I am totally in love with The Cirque Du Soleil.

I sent an email to a local disabled adult beginners gymnastics tutor today, she said twenty hours a week for ten to fifteen years and I could do my dream and no, forty years old is not too old to be accomplished in that!

There are many silly dreams I don’t share.

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Size changes & memories

I am so excited that I have lost another dress size!

In the UK I am a size 20 going into 18, I should be fully in the size 18 in about six weeks’ time – to the US I am a size 16 going into a 14 – which makes me about the same size as Oprah Winfrey, well Paul thinks I have similar shape to her only my waist is more defined – which really flattered me!  Especially as I see myself more like June Shannon, Honey Boo Boos mum from ten years back every time I look in the mirror, but I have been suffering from body dysmorphia my whole life, so I can’t trust what I see!

I struggle at looking at pictures of myself because it makes me just cry, whether those pics were of me when I was thin or not, because to me, I am just hideous, even now when I look in the mirror I see no visible difference to how I am now vs two or three years ago!

But the scales and the clothing tells me something different, I am significantly different now – I wish my brain wouldn’t lie to me!

On a positive note, my nails are growing! 

I had to unfortunately chop both index finger nails down though, because they were peeling and it looked ugly, don’t know why them and the right pinkie are doing that, so they have been cut down and I am trying to grow them, but it looks odd as all the other nails are half an inch long now!

I did a huge mistake in putting clear nail varnish on the other day, it is uncomfortable and irritating and I don’t have any nail varnish remover in the house until weekend!

I really must put up my stats again soon, been meaning to but keep forgetting and I am writing this at like 3am so it’s not convenient to wake Paul up so he can help me measure my stats, lol.

You can hardly tell I had alopecia now, though there is about a four or five inch thick strand of hair that stands up all on its own when I don’t wax it down, because that’s where the alopecia used to be, but my hair is nearly 2 inches longer than shoulder length nowadays, so it’s easy to hide now.

I am one shoe size bigger in the US – I am a 7 to 7.5 so in the US I am an 8 to 8.5!

If your grandma ever tells you that the bigger the woman’s foot is the less trouble she has in labour and the baby is likely to cannon ball out, please believe them!  Worked for me!

Even if I did nearly break Paul’s finger with my death grip on his hand during labour, at least I didn’t scream like all the other wussy pussy mothers in the ward that night!  I may have growled a little whilst chanting I love you and I want this baby almost seemingly demonically, maybe once roared when the midwife used the scratch and scrape to induce me, but I didn’t scream!

Paul’s finger was bruised for two months.

I often joked that next time he gets me pregnant I’ll get him a baseball mitt for protection!  But that’s never happening now, so, lol!

Oh just imagine… now I have nails…

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Androgynous & philosophical

I feel quite androgynous and Edwardian today. 

Today the style I have in mind would be earth tone colours with a focus on light browns and orange, a suede waistcoat with gold and brown buttons, suede trousers and ankle boots, under the waistcoat a lighter coloured long sleeved stop and perhaps a cravat around my neck?  Well, where else would I wear a booming cravat anyway?  Around my ankle?  LOL

My hair would be styled in a low bun with a dangle of hair from my left side hanging down, slightly messy, slightly rustic.

Wooden or gold jewellery, since Paul has figured out I don’t have an allergy to real gold, it’s the gold plated type, and he thinks I have an allergy to iridium, but I don’t really know for sure.  I just know certain earrings my mum bought me over the years make me break out in a rash and that recently I got a new lady shaver with gold on the tip and I seem fine.

I have to admit I feel very quiet today, not very social, withdrawn, serious and having a no nonsense vibe about me.  But peaceful, still peaceful, very reflective and thinking philosophically more than usual, which is a lot, because I think about philosophy every day as it is.

Which brings me to the second subject of the post; I may start talking more about philosophy because I don’t think I can help it.  I am being highly influenced by certain philosophical books I have been reading and I have drawn up my own ideas about life and the world – so don’t be surprised if I am bringing in new subjects to the blog.

It’s part of my journey in life, part of my transformation.

Thank you for reading!

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I am everything or a rainbow

Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.

That’s face yoga for you!

I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.

The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.

Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.

Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me.  Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned. 

I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one.  I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.

However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.

The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?

Why did I mention this?  Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!

I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those?  Rainbows…

I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand?  That’s right… rainbows!

So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!

I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that! 

I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway! 

I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.

I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180.  I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.

It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?

Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me!  LOL

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Who am I meditation

WHO AM I?

This meditation was literally me singing and chanting “Who am I” over and over again slowly and elongating the words each time until I heard a voice speaking to me. I sat in silence for 45 minutes listening to them and writing things down in a trance like state.

This is a meditation reading I did today to find out if I really did truly know myself and I am happy with the response, because it looks like I was spot on as this reading really does reflect who I am! 

Though I am too humble to accept some of it!   

I can zone out in meditation and write, it is a similar technique I use for writing and so here is the reading… enjoy! 

Decent and law-abiding, someone with a strong sense of right and wrong.  A mindful person who cares a lot for other people! 

You always try to be balanced and harmonious, you do not like letting your emotions consume you in a way that would affect another person’s energies negatively, and you would rather remove yourself from others so you do not drain them!

You are a well-connected person who guards their heart ferociously and the hearts of those you care about.

You are not happy with yourself unless you are achieving something almost all the time.

You have a strong maternal and nurturing spirit about you! 

You have trust issues and guard your heart and emotions too much that it can sometimes be hard to let others in fully, especially if there was the slightest bit of negativity between the person and you in the past.  You easily wear your heart on your sleeves with people who are kind to you though.

You are a very affectionate and fun personality around family and close friends, but distant with strangers until you warm to them over a time – generally your instinct for new people is usually very accurate – keep trusting that intuition of yours! 

You are creative and make friends easily if there is nothing negative going on with new people.

You don’t like being alone, you are all about togetherness and being in large warm groups of people!

You celebrate the smallest achievements in other people wholeheartedly!

You are a person who is afraid of using their creative talents in case it burdens you in some way!

You are very good at communicating your feelings to other people to offload yourself and them!

You are always trying to grow yourself spiritually and emotionally and sees life as an opportunity for transition and continuous flows of change

You are a person when in love that has tremendous patience with your partner and the capacity to accept them for who they are and to empathise with them, though you can be very smothering with affections most of the time.

You have very strange quirks and habits and some people may find you too weird to socialise with, you aren’t suitable socialising with very conservative folk!

You are quite submissive in nature regarding intimate relationships and very self-sacrificing.

You are not known for your logic at times and sometimes depending on the situation you may have a little bit of a vengeance spirit in you – but the vengeance never overtakes your integrity for true justice in the matter!

You may have a hidden masculine side to you, a side that likes the idea of power in work and society, even though at home you’d rather be the peace keeper and surrender everything to your special loved one.

It is easy for you to walk away from negative relationships without looking back as you have had enough of people trying to deplete your self-worth, you submit to the worthy only and the worthy has to be just and kind.

You mirror the negativity in others if they try to do you down or crush you in anyway; it is how you have learned to survive!  Therefore it is essential that you keep away from violent people, because it could hinder your growth spiritually. 

You are a true hedonist that has addictions to both fun and sex and general all round pleasure pursuits.

You have a small mischievous sadistic streak in you, which is usually fun and playful but can be a little nasty when you think people need to be taught a lesson, as we have mentioned before, you have a vengeance nature to you and if you are around physically aggressive people you will try to match them regardless of gender and ability!

You are a responsible and focused person when around the right people, but you are not easily motivated without them.  You need the right people around you or you will stagnate and become a lazy mess!

You are quite disciplined around the right people and you are quite ambitious, loyal and practical if you think that you have the right and supportive people by your side!  You will never achieve anything alone, you are a pack animal, and you don’t thrive in solo situations. 

You are curious and adventurous and nobody can ever call you truly boring once you have the courage to do things!

You tend to find your courage in the support of other people; you are less confident alone and tend to close yourself off into a corner and rot away when you haven’t got them around you! 

You are a natural leader with a natural charm about you, but you may not utilise this very well if you isolate yourself and socialise with the wrong types of people!

You need gregarious people in your life, because you are a naturally gregarious soul! 

You have a very clear vision of the future and is very innovative and creative!

You are an unconventional person with some traditional leanings, but you like to do things on a new more liberal stance, you are open minded and broad in what you accept and dislike those who try to suppress other people’s individualism.

You can be ferocious in supporting people who you like, even if you don’t know them very well! 

You have the tendency to be very passive in relationships and committed to the person to your own detriment at times, you will forego so much of yourself when you are in the wrong hands.  You can be vulnerable, insecure and persevering too much, that sometimes you forget that you too have needs!

With the right kind of relationship, a relationship that supports and nurtures, you will fly high and succeed at almost everything you put your mind to!  Because you were meant for great things and only great people are worthy of being in your life!

You’d do well with a partner who expects the best from you and motivates you each day! 

You are a highly intuitive and lucky person, the good things in life easily fall into your lap because it is your destiny to have those things – you were not meant to have a mediocre life and an existence of hardships and solitary confinement.

How best can you be who you truly are?

Seek out people who are successful, motivational and supportive, leave those which do not fit these categories.

Do not forget to take time out to meditate and reconnect to your spirit family, they are there to guide you in every aspect of your life.

Do not neglect your inner child but also keep it in check, because sometimes it can get out of control with the pursuit of pleasure! 

Take care not to soak up the negative energies of those people around you whose zest for life has virtually depleted.

Keep with your daily affirmations and visualisation of the better things, because this energy you exude when focusing on such things creates it for you in abundance – when you focus on negative energies, especially self-pity you are putting a blockage in those things you are trying to manifest!

You are on the right track for eliminating negative people from your life mercilessly, keep doing that and only keep the people around you that you deserve, because this is the way that you will personally thrive!

Do not be afraid to dream big, because big things are destined for you – VERY BIG THINGS!

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Secretly missing myself

If you have been following my blog for a while now it would be no news to you that a major part of my life is about transition; you know already that I have been on a journey of trying to define myself to my own standards and finding my true self whilst escaping the oppressors of my past who suppressed the real me as an individual.

But did you know that there are some things about me that I still regard with shame or view it as mere stupidity? 

As I am advancing in age I am feeling more stupid about wanting certain things for myself, as aren’t I by society’s standards getting a little – well advanced in age for such silly nonsense?

Which such things am I on about exactly?

I am talking a hard swallow right now to admit the truth to you properly, I kind of did it on Twitter on New Year’s Eve but now I am saying it here…

I have never got over a big transition that happened to me as a child, when I was around six years old – literally my whole world and self was turned upside down and I felt I lost my identity in more ways than one!

As you know a large part of my healing is the healing of my inner child and searching really deep in my past and subconscious as to why I have allowed things to control me and dictate to me who I am, rather than being who I really am!

Recently I shared that when I was six years old I was removed from a very large family into isolation and having almost nobody for several years, it got better again around the age of ten to thirteen but mum then removed herself a second time from even more people and then again a third time when I was in my early twenties.

But also at that time, my body changed vastly the child in photographs of 1987 do not reflect the child in the photographs of 1988.  I was very thin and small for my age, I had pure white hair almost like angel hair, in fact I was nicknamed The Angel of Burnt Oak because of the pageant I went into as  my hair was naturally white and unusual, like angel hair!

Then for some reason in just a few short months my hair got darker and darker and became a medium brown, I started to gain weight, I started to become one of the tallest in class and I felt like I had turned into a monster.

My mum also felt that I had turned into something embarrassing too, she was no longer proud of me and she was my biggest bully during that transition and for most of my childhood because of it, because it shocked her as much as it shocked me!

So many major changes really upset me emotionally and I think it scarred me to this day.

A year later I decided to give up my dream of fashion design and being involved in the fashion industry, a dream I had from the age of four, shattered by the age of seven because my mother told me wrongfully that fat girls can’t be models, especially fat brunettes – that I had to face reality and accept that it’s no longer my path, so ashamed of me she stopped the pageants and karaoke contests.

At the age of eight my weight got worse because I was early to start menses and developed breasts quite quickly after that, rare so young but not unheard of said the doctor.  I got worse still when I was ten because I suffered a head injury from my mother which meant my eyesight got damaged as I had astigmatism which nobody knew about and that meant I needed glasses.  You have no idea the trauma that I went through with that one; my mum was already begrudging all my other changes – now this!

I just felt like I got uglier and uglier as I got older, is it any wonder I had a nervous breakdown at the age of twelve when I needed residential psychiatric treatment for a few months and developed both bulimia and anorexia for a while?

Anyway, weight came and went, came and went, like a yo-yo, one year fat, one year thin, it never really stabilised until my mid-twenties, then got worse again around thirty three when I got sick.

So what I am delaying saying is… yes, I am forty now, exactly forty – but I want to be who I feel I should be.  That is a slim, toned woman with my original angel hair.  It’s not bond, people mistake that – it’s white, but it’s the kind of white that looked like it had tinsel in it… if you get me?

Around three years ago I shared these thoughts with Paul, about how I miss that and how I would like to be like that, but it’s stupid to think a woman my age could look like that now and Paul wanted to know why I thought that?

Because it would be like mutton dressed as lamb wouldn’t it?  White hair all of a sudden, dressed in my favourite kind of clothes and colours, sort of Barbiecore, Moschino and a bit kawaii or rainbow Goth – I’d look ridiculous wouldn’t I?  Especially on the days I wake up and feel more masculine like a regency gentleman or a Beau Brummel dandy?

Though I’d admit, slim and white haired dressed up on a dandy day would make me look like a very neat androgynous version of Lucius Malfoy!

The funny thing is, when I realised why I am uncomfortable in my own skin things changed in my body again.  When I admitted I missed the six year old me in looks, I started to get flecks of white in my hair – ok its age, yes I know, I am not stupid – but you have no idea how those little flecks of white made me smile and feel more at home with myself.

What is strange is my appetite has been transitioning back to how I used to be too and I am losing an average of one to three pounds a week ever since. 

The more weight I am losing, the more white that is appearing in my hair, the happier I am getting with myself.

I think I will never be happy with my nose and actual face shape, because I want defined cheekbones and an angular sort of face, that’s not going to happen with an inverted triangle like me… but the rest is going to be OK.

A white haired Jessica Rabbit is probably stretching reality too much, but that’s what I really want to be!  Ha-ha!

Make all the men go loopy with my French and Italian skills too!

But meh, back to reality, I still have fifty pounds to lose and I am only a third white right now.

But yes, I feel stupid and a little embarrassed sharing this with you all… I don’t know why I should feel that way but there you go… I do.

I still haven’t had news about the braces I am supposed to be getting or the extra filling I need for another tooth, our dentist is over-stretched.  I am disappointed as its delaying my goals by several months!  I am embarrassed about the lost front tooth so much so it is making me debate whether I am confident or not to show my face on YouTube after all, it’s noticeable but thankfully it’s only a half gap, not a full one because the tooth was kind of sticky out at an angle before it was removed.  Other than closing the gap, my teeth are quite nice now.

In the past few weeks I have been letting my nails grow again, but I keep accidentally ripping flesh off myself in my sleep and although I love my nail now – I can’t help but think I am one step away from cutting them short again, because I am just so sore right now! 

A home French manicure is my favourite way to have them and having nails means I can effectively play my kalimba again!

So I am trying so hard not to cut them down!

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Foosball & image

Are you a mum who plays foosball with your son and it sets off your old carpal tunnel problem again?

No?

You’re lucky, I envy you!

I unfortunately I am such a mum!

I am sulking and I want to play foosball and I want to play it now!  Well, maybe not right now as it’s like 3:30am I am writing this and my son is in bed asleep… got to be reasonable don’t I?

Unfortunately the Christmas junk food has rattled my brain and I have no idea what to write for today’s post so I thought of the first thing that came into my head!

Now for the second thing that came into my head – this high protein diet is making my hair and nails grow faster than normal, in literally only six days my nails has grown as much as they would in three weeks!  It’s so weird… I am not used to it, I am literally scratching my body to pieces as I am not used to it and typing is becoming fun and slippy…

I have gone through bouts of growing my nails before in the past, but it takes weeks, shocked they are this long and it’s been days!

I hope I don’t have a bout of anxiety, or they will go… though I am biting less and less these days since I have discovered a healthy obsession for solitaire card games and practising tarot.

Henry wants me to start painting them as they are nice and long-ish for me, but I won’t because I don’t like it.  I prefer the French manicure look, personally, unfortunately I haven’t a clue whether those cuticles should be left alone or not.  I believe they should be, as it is painful to do what my mother always taught me to, pushing them back after a soak in the bath and my skin is so sensitive the skin often splits under the pressure!

I am happy to say that my hair growth is getting better again too, the alopecia is almost growing out, unfortunately it makes me look a bit untamed in one area, but there is no bald patch anymore or fuzz, in fact there is now four inches of growth there – but as the rest of my hair is past shoulder length, it is noticeable a little and can stick up like an aerial or something if I don’t wax it down.

Today I wanted to post a pic of myself on Instagram but I refrained because I forgot how swollen I am because I was gifted chocolate that contained soy as a Christmas present and that means I am a whole dress size bigger with the swelling it causes.  I am half thinking about either suffering it till it’s all gone as I love that chocolate, or just be grown up and give it to my son instead, so the swelling goes down again in three days?

My face swells making me look about fifty pounds heavier than I actually am whenever I eat soy or mustard, as well as my spleen and abdomen, it’s weird how it can happen in such a short space of time.  There are times I absent-mindedly eat soy and the effects work within ten minutes and by thirty minutes I have to change out of my clothes because it all cuts into me and sometimes actually makes me bleed if I ignore it too long!

It’s like I’ve turned into a hulk woman or something… only less green…. Though saying that, sometimes I physically become sick over it all!

I have strict and painful rules from January, if I know there is soy or mustard in something I am not going to have it anymore, not even as a one off and that’s going to be so hard for me!

I love Heinz salad cream, I love Dijon mustard with sausages, I love Chinese food, I love nutty chocolates like Peanut M+Ms and Ferrero Roche and Nutella, oh my goodness do I have an absolute passion for Nutella!

I want a food scientist to make Dijon mustard without mustard…

I want Nutella without soy and Heinz Salad cream without mustard but taste authentically the same!

I feel a near Verruca Salt type tantrum coming on in fact…

“Don’t care how, I want it now”!

Trying to remind myself it is probably healthier this way, but it’s no comfort!

My idea of comfort is eating roast potatoes with ham, boiled egg and cheddar cheese with a hugely packed salad and doused in a tablespoon of Heinz Salad Cream, that’s comfort. 

Or eating ham salad crusty rolls with the salad cream as a favorited lunch! 

Comfort is also crispy crepes covered in Nutella and turned into a wrap with more Nutella on the top and a sprinkling of sliced almonds, icing sugar snow and whipped cream on the side.

Or trying to catch peanut M+Ms with your mouth annoying anyone sitting near you with being pelleted by the failures!

I haven’t done that in years…

It is also fudge and donuts too… yes for some weird reason they have soy in them as well!

Did I mention the washing machine broke down a few days before Christmas?  We’re having to wash the clothes by hand like old Victorian washer women for about a month, as we can’t get one delivered until around the 17th January and that’s being bought on credit.

Such fun…

Paul confused me the other day, so I spent more than we could afford on non-credited gifts for Henry as he wasn’t clear, which made us slightly overdrawn – Paul doesn’t take responsibility for that, totally blames me, but he was the one who wasn’t clear.  He was the one that made it sound like two things were already paid but in fact it was only one!  Coincidentally this has meant that for two weeks I have no personal allowance, until the overdraft is paid back – which means my business plan on WordPress is delayed in the next payment and my gym membership has to be delayed by a month too.

Something similar happened once before a few years back, just as I planned to be constructive with our finances… my mother was the same, I am wondering if it’s not at all accidental if you get me?

That’s the thing with me, you talk in numbers I am easily muddled so you have to be clear with me, if you give me several numbers I get confused so it’s easy to mess with my head and make me feel like a fool and give me any old gibberish you like to be in the clear of any faults – it’s easy to take advantage of someone who isn’t very smart!

I think the delay is part of Paul being worried I am trying to knock weight off and find my inner vanity again, because I’d like to start dating around Easter time, maybe sooner if someone asks.  Because I was told that I could potentially achieve my weight loss goal a month earlier than I thought with gymophobics if I maintained my protein diet as well. 

I am joining the gym because I need support learning how to slim and tone down my upper arms because they are stubborn and I tend to bulk too much there, so I want to know what I am doing wrong!  I don’t want 15 inch biceps, you know? No matter how tones they are!  Well mine aren’t just saying…

I tried non weighted exercises at home with videos from YouTube, but still I am bulking – I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope I am not genetically made to look like a female boxer! To be honest, though I haven’t exercised since the end of the first week of December because of a chest infection, but I am getting better!

I already have what my grandmother referred to as hockey legs; don’t want boxer arms to go with that!

Though to be fair I’d rather be a muscular healthy woman than a big lardy one like I am now!

Because if I wear my scruffs, a thick woolly sweater and jeans and someone calls me fat in McDonalds I can do what I used to do in my early twenties, take the sweater off and fold it up looking at them in the eye, in my camisole and see them go white with how toned I am.  They soon apologise and try to explain themselves usually self detrimentally!

I used to do weight lifting in my early twenties – but as I said, I don’t want to be bulky now.  Back then I wanted to be like the pro-wrestler Chyna!  She was my pin up idol, amongst Diana Dors, Kathleen Turner, Glen Close and Reggie Bennett… in fact my body is a little like the latter at the moment lol!

Just a little less toned and my waist is actually narrower or as Paul would say, more defined!   

Seriously it’s just eight months of hard work that’s all I need for my idea of a perfect body!

Shame about my face and remember, the dentist hasn’t got back to me about those braces I wanted, because I have a tooth missing and there is a half gap, because it was a sticky out tooth that got damaged to its root.  The braces will just close the gap after six months and my teeth are pretty much ok then.

I need to professionally dye my hair too as I am going white lol, it’s a trait in my family; we tend to be pure white by fifty!

Or do I embrace the natural change and pretend to be natural platinum eventually?  Lol Because it really looks like I am going to be snow white all over, not the horrible grey some people go.

I used to have snow white platinum hair from baby to around six of seven years old, then for some reason I became brunette!

I was nicknamed The Angel of Burnt Oak and won local pageants and things.

I have a bit of a Barbiecore leaning, so perhaps I should wear it with pride?  Don’t know!

With what I regard my waist being my best feature as well as my eyes and lips, I think I could eventually tone myself to be a nice Barbie doll, alright forget the age thing… I am sure I could manage it… lol… I am going to try!

Stupid probably… but… I’ll try!

Probably over optimistic, but I won’t know unless I try!

I have green eyes which makes me more special than Barbie as they are rarer! 

So there!

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Remission, weight loss and dreams

It may have been a long remission between Easter and last week, because for the past few days I have been sleeping a lot and finding things a little difficult again.

My immune system has taken a massive hit and I feel like I have influenza but there is no temperature and not much else of the normal flu like symptoms.  The brain fog is coming back, the depression is hitting hard again and then the washing machine breaks down two days ago and it needs replacing.

The asthma has got a bit worse too, but it’s the feeling that I am turning into stone or lead I can’t get over – every limb feels weighted. 

Very sleepy is not a good description really – I kind of feel like I am going into a hibernation period, if you get my drift?  But what is weird about that is the fact that I can’t seem to sleep at night.

My appetite has stayed much the same, not eating much at all, so the idea of gaining weight over Christmas is silly as I seem to be losing up to two pounds a week still or not moving on the scales at all.

I found a local gym for £8.75 a week membership, I can afford that with my personal allowance and I will be signing up for the membership around the end of January, to help me tone up – my upper arms in particular as they are the only things which don’t seem to be doing what the rest of my body is doing… losing inches and toning up.  They are a good gym to go to because they specialise in helping people who have long-term health problems or are morbidly obese, which I need because I have asthma and a couple of auto-immune problems, one of which is rheumatic arthritis.

It’s exciting to note that I have lost ninety six pounds over a year now without much effort, now let’s take it up a huge notch!  I am not that far off from my goal weight and with this gym membership I should reach my goal weight before July with any luck – at least I haven’t been on the morbidly obese scale for a while now- In fact I remember a time where I was a horrifying 56 on the BMI scale that was nearly two years ago!  No, this wasn’t the reason I was bedbound either, the bedbound came first and this kind of obesity was caused by that!

How did I manage that?

Simple!

I was a highly active person who walked an average of nine miles a day amongst lots of other exercises and physical activities, needing to eat an average of four thousand calories a day just to sustain myself or collapse – to becoming a severely ill and bedbound person literally overnight, but never readjusted my diet, until three years later when it dawned on me what the heck I was doing!

I had such spleen pain and constant chest infections for nearly eight years solid, the amount of times I was diagnosed with pneumonia too, I couldn’t move because the spleen was too swollen and I was literally advised to do nothing in case it ruptured!  NHS overstretched before covid even existed and so operating wasn’t an option given to me! 

Especially as I was eating my feelings when the depression stepped in, meaning I was over doing food on a massive scale for someone who was extremely sedentary!

It wasn’t until around three years ago that I realised when I am having an angry or a depressing day, I go to food again for comfort, I realised this is a base instinct we all have; why?  Because as animals we would take our anger and frustrations out on other animals and bite them and attack them, but as humans have learned to civilise ourselves somewhat we suppress our anger and food is the substitute for the primordial release for biting!

So when you feel depressed, sad or angry get yourself chewing gum – believe me, it works – only I find it hard to have gum these days because most of it contains soy and soy is really bad for my spleen issue.

Around four years ago was the time I had a completely free from diet, no eggs, no gluten, no lactose, no soy and a mostly paleo diet.  This helped a lot with the breathing problems and the swollen spleen, eventually I learned that I could eat almost anything without pain but there was something still off – occasionally my spleen would swell again and it took until earlier this year to find out what was doing it… mustard and soy. 

Now I am not on a free from diet anymore, but I have to avoid soy and mustard, or the spleen swells up again and my asthma has a bad day – unfortunately most of my favourite foods contain them, as I especially love mustard!  So suffering is a choice now – which I don’t choose often! 

Not a lot of people who are recently acquainted with me take me seriously about how much I understand nutrition and exercise since they’ve always known me to be this size.  But in actuality, I am really switched on, because I used to be very athletic and I can name in approximation the calorie worth and nutritional value of most foods.

But for some people they can’t understand that if you know all of this, then why did you allow yourself to get so fat?

Because if you live a certain lifestyle for too long, then you become ill where the physical aspect changes but not the food – you can see how this is easily done.  But people will be people and some people are morons and don’t use their head on this kind of stuff!

I remember a time where my doctor suggested my diet was too healthy, too low on salt, too low on fats and too low on calories, that I was blacking out three times a week on average and going into severe full bodied cramps.  Because of lack of electrolytes as I didn’t add salt to anything and I had a low fat diet which was mostly vegetable based.   I remember having to keep a food diary constantly and keep every nutrient in mind and I remember having to rush out to McDonalds at random times throughout the week to get the high fat, high salt and calorific food I needed because I didn’t have time or the wherewithal to eat a large meal, so I had to opt for big macs as a dietary supplement.  A weird contrast to my life now!

No, I do not miss it, because I didn’t enjoy having to do those things – what I do miss is the health and fitness I used to have and the energy I had as well as the body.

In the future, I am hoping to get all that back again, only this time I am going to be smarter, no big mac supplements anymore – I have a weight lifting professional friend who had the same problem, only she supplements the low salt problem not with crisps and salted fries or peanuts, like I did – but as adding rehydration salts to every bottle of water she drinks!

At the time I knew I was a protein type metabolism but I didn’t fully understand it as much as I do now and I never knew you could get really nice protein drinks to get what you need in per day.  I was literally trying to stuff down copious amounts of chicken and fish every day into my system – another thing which will change in the future.

You see, back in the good old days of when I was active, I was active alone and without a fitness network, so I was literally clueless and often had stomach ache and a bulimic reaction to the food I needed to eat.

You live, you learn.

Paul and I are still living together but we are separated, still he is trying to support me the best he can with the diet I need.  He has told me that our finances are better than we used to have as we are now being supplemented now he is retired, which means I can see the doctor more often and the diet can improve slightly.

In March my own personal finances will have doubled for me, which means I could also supplement myself too – so I should be losing the weight much faster soon.  I will get back on it all after Christmas, properly.  

Calorie, protein and nutritional monitoring that is, as well as signing up for the local gym classes!

My self-employment should be kicking off around March too, so hopefully I will earn enough to consider moving out of Paul’s by the end of summer, maybe – who know?  I can’t see me living alone to be honest, but there you go!

I don’t do New Years resolutions, so please don’t take all of this as that!

My second biggest dream right now is to rediscover my inner pride and vanity! 

When I was healthy and fit, there were a lot of people who said all I needed to do was dye my hair blond and get a Chihuahua and I’d be like Paris Hilton in my style!  I was offended, because what’s wrong with a brunette?  Though I like the idea of platinum hair! 

Though maybe they were just on about how much I love pink and fluffies? 

My first biggest ever dream I’ve had forever now, is to find someone who genuinely loves me and wants to keep me, build a family with me, push me to be the best that I can be and we motivate each other like live in life coaches!  Along with this the person has to tolerate that I can be suffocating with how I love them and hands on with them, because I am just like that!  I am like Elmira from Looney Tunes – but they also have to tolerate eccentricities, daydreams and creative pursuits as it’s all a huge part of who I am!  Please also, the person must understand I am very childish – I am overly playful and I am not too responsible really.  I am such a hedonist to be honest!

My third ever dream is not what you think it is either… nope… no, it’s not really anything to do with my stories or art – it’s having a great home and social life. 

The stories becoming movies is really a fourth dream… shock horror… I know!

I kind of kept that a secret as I kind of wore this with shame for a while – but I am starting to release the true me and I have to be honest with you as much as myself now, don’t I?

I feel bad admitting that actually.

I am still writing, don’t fret!  I am just not all that bothered in giving boring details about word count anymore, because nobody really cares enough to comment unless they are a troll who moans about how often I update word counts!

But meh – I always lacked structure anyway, I say I intend to write one novel but I end up writing a little towards twenty and so…. I am learning to become at peace with me and the way I am… so should you!

But project AD and the Easter project are the main focuses for me right now, even if I only write about twice a week on both of them – at least its progress!  You have to remember I have lots of other projects on the go too!

I know lots of people are eager to get their hands on project AD and this is why I am writing this as fast as I can, because I know there are a lot of people in waiting over it. 

I just got to get it out there anyway, because it’s a great story and I am very excited for it.  I am seeing merchandise in my head already; it will be a great new toy brand in my opinion as it is a dystopian comedy for kids.

But the Easter project is also gripping me a lot too with so many amazing ideas I am literally bursting to share them with someone but scared I’d shoot myself in the foot if I did!

So that’s what’s happening in my life right now.

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Naturally Glamorous

My weird contrasts are even astounding to me.

On the one hand, I am a hippy nature’s child running bare foot in the garden catching frogs, collecting snail shells and taking home pretty pebbles and rocks from the woodlands on my walks and making leaf nests and mud pies with children; then on the other hand I am spellbound by shinies, fluffies, heady scents and glamour!

Since I was very small I have struggled with who I want to be – which one do I want to be…  sugar and spice and all things nice Elizabeth Taylor… or up to my knees in mud with autumn leaves in my hair in dungarees Elle Mae Clampett?

All my life I have had people say to me unless I can make that decision, people will always think I have a split personality and mental problems and nobody is going to take me seriously either way!  I have to make a decision… I never could.

As I am getting older I am trying to define myself and narrow myself down, but these two basic personalities in me just can’t be cut away…

They are both too prominent, but I have to say Sugar and Spice is more neglected than the Natures child in me, because I never had anyone teach me how to wear makeup and style the hair appropriately.  I know how to spruce myself up nice when I need to, but I tend not to wear makeup unless I get offered one of those free make overs at a cosmetics store, which I used to go to often when I was on the dating scene.

So there are a few people in the world who doesn’t know that side of me.

I have to admit, that side of me is filled with guilt and shame, because nobody likes a vain person – nobody likes a show off!  Well not in the circles I’ve ran in.

I used to tell people, I don’t do it to show off, I do it to feel nice and happy in myself – but the kind of people I knew didn’t think I was telling the truth, they thought that I thought I was better than them!  I never did and never do – because quite personally, I think I am hideous!

The only thing that is ever going to change my mind about how pretty I am or not, is being on the front page of a big fashion magazine without any criticism headlined and that’s probably never going to happen!

Out of all the major Hollywood stars I saw on TV and in magazines growing up, the one that impressed me the most with her regality and beauty was Elizabeth Taylor and every Christmas on my present wish list is always at least one perfume from her brand, which I tend to get!

I look at stars today on TV and I wonder what has happened?  What has happened to the traditional glamourous woman?  There are less than ten major celebrity women that impress me these days and the one that impresses me the most is Lady Gaga, as she knows what real traditional glamour is!

Paul used to say I scare him, because when I become an author he is sure I’d be a best-seller and he is sure I am going to need to be like Roseanne Barr, where I have to buy a house just to store my clothes!

Does he actually know how little authors get?

I don’t think I will be that excessive, but I can see myself having good quality evening wear where they may need to be stored in a preserving way, like museum pieces.

But despite how much I love glitz and glamour, I find it morally difficult to justify the expense and this is where I have a lot of inner conflict!

I have a tremendous guilt conscience about money and being thought of as better than someone else – because it’s not me… I am nice, I don’t brag, I hate hurting people’s feelings, I genuinely care for people who I think are less fortunate and it hurts me to think that they often think so little of me in return. 

Because I have never always been this poor, I have said it in the past and it is true!

My grandmother comes from traditional aristocratic stock, she never liked how much I love costume jewellery, because to her, it is cheap tack – but to me, I liked how they shine and look – to me it’s not the cost it’s the look!

She never under understood that for me it is aesthetic not saleability when family falls on hard times!

She always said when you get the money, buy lots of high value gold and keep it in store as you never know when you will need it for a hard time! 

I collected a lot of junk in her opinion over the years and many of which I gave away to charity about four or five years ago as I felt I will never be well enough to ever spruce myself up again.  In fact, up until late last year, I really thought I’d be dead by 45 as I was getting sicker.

But I am getting a little better, though I am going through a health blip right now with a chest infection – it’s not as bad as it used to be!

I started talking about this subject because I found something I thought I had thrown away a long time ago, it was hiding in the back of a rarely opened drawer – a massive fake diamond ring, made of plastic but it’s on a cheap silver base and I mean it is massive!  It’s larger than a postage stamp. 

I wore it today and I felt very nostalgic and kind of sad.

I looked in the mirror whilst wearing it and that was a big mistake… instant fallen from grace feeling – I don’t often eat my feelings unless I am angry, as I am an angry eater… but today I ate my feelings of sadness with a mince pie and felt instant regret and shame.

Tried to cheer myself up with “Well it is Christmas”!

Didn’t work, sat my buns down on the bed, typing this up and hoping this time next year, I’d had reached my weight goal and I had reached my self-employment goal and I would feel a little like the old me again!

But who knows, maybe I’d have pulled my finger out and got a best-seller and got this weird 100k deal Paul imagines I’ll get!

Lol, yeah right…

So why do I hate talking about this sort of thing?  Because I have lived a very good life in the past and when people know you have money, the vultures come out or the people who hate you and guilt trip you into their sad stories or force you to believe that it is your duty as a wealthy person to donate 75% of your money! 

Not a lot of people will actually listen to well off people, about discrimination – because they sarcastically say “aw yeah, poor little rich girl”, so I have been made to feel ashamed of having better and it is hard not to feel guilt when talking about these things!  Especially since a lot of my former social circles have abandoned me and I am quite literally alone in the world, without people who understands me and my side of the coin! 

But in my experience, aristocrats and the wealthy are more discriminated than other types of people, but we can’t voice it, because nobody can believe we have a hard life too and most think, we deserve the shit we get!  But it’s all just spiteful jealousy.

Well I am like you now… good laugh isn’t it, bet you feel great about it, one less rich bitch to worry about?

It’s hard not to be bitter about this sort of thing!

Thanks for reading!

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Ten skills I want

Top 10 things I want to be confident in or train in eventually;

Tango dancing (in fact I have always wanted to do this and have a partner who likes it too, but never mind)

Paso Doble dancing (same as above)

Belly Dancing (did in the past but was never confident in it and need to loosen up again for it)

Playing the piano properly (one handed and by ear only player at the moment)

Reading and understanding musical notation

Tarot reading (yes been doing it most my life but not confident enough to leave the books alone)

Yoga (never tried it but before weight gain, I was a very flexible contortionist)

I want to be confidently fluent in Italian (at the moment I am on unit 16 of the course on Duo Lingo)

I also want to get back into some kind of combat fitness

Improving my ventriloquism skills – I can kind of do pretty well at the moment, but I want to be much better! I don’t like proper ventriloquist dummies though, they freak me out – I like puppets!

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