Category Archives: Arts & Crafts

Arts and crafts I recommend or have done.

Ugh, no!

I want to apologise in advance, in case I am not posting over the next few days.  I am getting signs of the flu and sometimes it can hit me so hard I can’t move out of bed for a week, or even read a book.

I am getting an icy chill in my spine and I feel like I have been run over as I feel bruised all over.

Thanks for reading and sorry if I don’t post – I may post, but just letting you know what’s what if I don’t!

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Art project for tarot

Over the next few days I am drawing up a plan for a relatively big art project, an art project I am hoping to put out into the market to sell; the project is creating my own deck of tarot cards!

It is something I have always wanted to do, but until recently I have had little confidence in both my ability to read the tarot without referencing to books and even less confidence in my artwork.

I am now a little bit better off where I can afford to replace art supplies again as I use them, so there are no more excuses in me not doing art anymore.

There is only one true thing against me and my art now that is doing the art in a stress free environment away from the icy cold.  My art table is used for other means most of the time and so it is a fight to get the space used for what it should be and I can’t move it to a warmer location because it is currently being used as a dining table in order to make room in the house.

The art table was also my jigsaw puzzle table, needless to say I haven’t touched a jigsaw in nearly three years and you’ve guessed why by now haven’t you?

So, being as my art table is being used, I have to try and consider doing art elsewhere… the only other option is to use my adjustable laptop table in the bedroom, but then that risks getting ink and paint on the bedclothes and the table rocks a lot whenever I tap on it, which could ruin the art consistently.

My other option would be to sit on the floor and place a dragon box between my legs whilst my Pooh board balances on the top of it and I cover the board with cling film so I don’t ruin the art of my Pooh board.

What is my Pooh board, you may ask? 

It’s a board with Pooh on it – Winnie-The-Pooh, I once had this board downstairs and Henry was around 3yrs old and drew a scribble on the board, or so Paul thought it was a scribble – I looked at it and I said – OMG IT’S AMAZING LOOK WHAT HE’S DRAWN PAUL!  Paul nodded and smirked and I said, can you see what he has drawn?  No, he said.  I said, look, there is a snout here see?  And an eye… to me this is the very head of Winnie-The-Pooh!  Oh yeah said Paul vaguely… I am still not sure he saw it.  But after a few months went by I decided I was going to thicken the outline with a sharpie, exact to the lines Henry made and then Paul saw it!

This board was shunted around the house without any real value or meaning, never to this day did I know why we kept it, but it became useful when I became sick around a year later – because it became my sandwich board!

Meaning, as I was too sick sometimes to leave the bedroom to eat, I would rest my plate usually sandwiches or a bowl of soup on the board whilst I sat in bed and I ate alone.  Over a time this board developed more and more pictures as in the boredom of being mostly bedbound I started to draw all kinds of various images/crap on it.

Some aspects of it positively scream street art or graffiti, other aspects old style cartoons and yes, some occult images too and affirmations.

Paul told me, one day, when I sell my book and people hear or even see this board, they’d want to buy it!  I should frame the board in a manner it can be framed double sided, so you can choose which side you want it on the wall.  I said nobody will be interested in my sandwich board!

He said nobody will see it as your sandwich board; they’ll see it as art – put it up online for sale and see what I mean! 

I AM NOT SELLING MY SANDWICH BOARD!

He told me if I died he would!

So yeah, that’s what I am doing over the next few days, planning the art I want to do for each tarot card, then it will take me one day per picture to create on average, maybe three depends on what medium I intend to use – I think I intend to use ink personally.  So there are usually 78 cards to a tarot deck, this means that the project should be finished around 90 to 100 days after I start the plans. 

So I am going to presume that it will take me two days a picture which gives me an estimated time frame of the finished product being around the 1st August to the end of August 2023.

This is achievable if my work is done at my usual pace of 3 to 7 hours per picture every two days.  Really the 1st August is 201 days away from now – and I only really need 156 days to do it, but I know I procrastinate and have sick days so I’ve made allowances for that and a couple of down and out failures and restarts as well as artistic lethargy! 

Thing is, I want to do more than one deck in the future, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?

Let’s do one deck first and let’s see!

The art for the tarot will be used to sell prints, pins and stickers as well as a bunch of other items and I plan to sell them via square space.  I also plan to start a paid subscription service here on my blog where my users will get a huge discount voucher and a bunch of other stuff. 

Yes a paid subscription for extra material is coming up sometime in the future, not sure when I am trying to figure all the technical stuff out first and I am procrastinating because technology outside of games is just boring to me!

So yes, that’s what I am up to now.

Thanks for reading! 

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Mastodon/universeodon

Mastodon

You can follow me on here if you like? I don’t know if doing this works, but I am trying!

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Through the window

I had a dream last night that I couldn’t close a window.

The window wasn’t broken, as in had broken glass or anything like that – it is weird that I had this dream after someone requested I write a poem about windows…

The window just wouldn’t close, someone had messed with the locks and stuck a plant on the frame of the window that wouldn’t come off and so the window could only remain ajar.

I got angry about this in the dream, because winter was only two weeks away – I found out it was my mother that did this to my window and I told her bluntly, then we will have to change bedrooms when the winter comes – I don’t want to be cold all winter, you can if you like – but not me!

She wouldn’t change bedrooms and out of nowhere I said to her – I am not as poor as you think you know, I have money and I only stayed because I had faith you’d change, but you never will – so now I am taking my money and I leaving you!

Even in the dream I was surprised at what I said, like I thought I was lying to myself by telling her this – but then I instantly went online in the dream and found that I was right, there was hundreds of thousands of pounds in my account all of a sudden.

I was amazed in the dream… but then something at the back of my mind explained how this happened.

I served my parents up their last meal and I went out to find my new home.

But I didn’t buy this home, I just literally walked into a house that looked pleasant and there were three adults and two children at a dining table and I started serving them the food I gave to my parents and we sat down happily together, like we’d always been together!

Weird dream!

I would say “through the window of broken glass, deep things changed in me last night” but the windows glass wasn’t broken…

What’s weirder is just now I heard the word “FAITH” said quite loudly and then I saw the numbers 222.

Thanks for reading!

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He’s fine

Henry appears to be fine, still getting headaches, but hasn’t changed his usual habits at all. But still, doctor says keep him home until Monday!

Thanks to all those who have sent their blessings to us!

Thanks for reading!

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A more personal deadline

Some of my broken dreams are still reachable, I haven’t given up yet.  But the previous post was a post of preparation to the world.  That if things in my life haven’t changed by April, I don’t think I would hold back with the dark thoughts anymore.  April is my personal deadline for change.

If things haven’t changed, then I need to start again.  New life entirely and that’s not good for those who care about me.  That won’t be good at all.

Today I have struggled with depression more than anything and today I am just trying to let you know that I may cocoon in April to mull things over, but it may not be long before you start reading my obituary, as I have the attitude of what is the point… I haven’t got anything to live for – I am not allowed to be a full active mother with my son, so he isn’t giving me a reason to live.  Because I have no personal time with him, we can’t bond – we used to, but then I got sick and certain other people took over and got in the way and made me feel unneeded.  That’s easily happens to people like me who like to stay unassuming, passive and go with the flow – don’t want any trouble and a people pleaser, because for the love of all that is good all I want is a peaceful life.

It’s people like me who don’t get their dreams because they don’t want to rock the boat, it’s why I’ve always chose to have relationships with people who will motivate me and rock the boat for me and make me take what I want.  Without that kind of support I just sit back and watch life go by, it’s who I am.

I hate disappointing and upsetting people I love, so I tend to go for the people who push me even if that means they are the manipulative sort – at least they give me a reason to live.  Apathetic and unambitious people are dangerous for people like me.

I can’t thrive living where I am but that was OK when I knew I was wanted – I am not wanted anymore, even though Paul thinks his new relationship is strange and perhaps not so genuine because he thinks his new lady is losing interest.

I know that Paul’s behaviour with me has changed dramatically, he has become unlikeable.

I am struggling with not only depression and suicide, but my bulimia and anorexia seems to be creeping back again too – but it’s odd, because this time, whenever I eat, it’s painful and that’s why I can’t eat more than six bites a meal these days.  I don’t know if it is my normal psychological problems with food or whether it’s a physical problem – but its worrying Paul as well. 

I say I am dieting, but it’s not a proper diet.  I am barely getting 900 calories on a good day and the main bulk of my diet comes from protein shakes just to get enough protein and calories into my system.

It’s so cold in the house now, we’re struggling with the “Heat or Eat” crisis here in the UK as one of the poorest families in the area, eligible for a lot of charitable help, but not with heating and the food banks are running low because of how many more needy people are in the area – we’re being drowned out by new people.

Paul isn’t like me; he won’t sell things to survive and I can’t make him go to the post office to send things away when he doesn’t want to do that.  I can’t do it myself, as I have said before, I haven’t got any money for myself outside my weekly £20 and he won’t let me do anything with that money unless it’s pleasurable for myself in some way.

The cold affects my arthritis badly; I am finding it hard to exercise because of it.  Instead I’ve gone back to bed again in the past three days just to keep warm with hot water bottles around me.  It’s not a healthy life here.

Is there any wonder then, that when I go to sleep my last thoughts are one of two things – snuggling with Mr Right the dream guy and pretending I am not in this environment all alone, extra realistic nowadays since I got a body length hot water bottle to go next to me at night… or the alternative… Let’s try and never wake up again eh?

So I am giving the universe till April to make a huge change for me, after that, let’s see if I am brave enough to make the cuts deeper because I don’t have access to the pills anymore…

But hey, look on the bright side – at least you won’t have to worry about this sad bitch anymore, huh? No more silly posts about dreams that will never come true, but you have to wait until April to see them stop!

Until then…

Thanks for reading…?

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Heads up

If I am quiet over the next few days, here’s the reason why; I have a cold that’s quickly turning into a chest and double ear infection.  My throat glands are getting huge and I take a while to get over things like this because of my auto-immune conditions.  Not looking forward to it worsening.

An average cold can take me three weeks to get over; a chest infection can stick around all winter once I have it, if the doctors choose to be slack.  Just got to hope I get a good one if the chest gets worse this week.

May have to force in a budget to see a doctor, before Monday!  Yes, the NHS is free, but getting there isn’t, we don’t have a car.

The ear infection is managed by home meds, but we’ve heard that there is a product recall that could make getting the medication for my ears difficult for up to three months potentially.  Which will mean that I may lose my hearing until we can find an alternative that I don’t break out in hives with.

Anyway, just a heads up and happy reading as always!

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It’s not so simple!

Why can’t life be simple?

What is his plan for me?

I am confused and humbled

I am trapped not free

I am saddened by the mysteries

Of this confusing life

Dear God what have you planned for me?

Not knowing cuts like a knife!

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Stats and plans

History of my weight issues!

As a baby to the age of 6yrs old I was underweight, I had no interest in food. 

When I was around 6yrs old my mum was embarrassed by how uninterested I was with food and she gained weight herself, for the first time in her life.  She then started to take advice from her sister about force feeding me, but she did it too much that by aged 8yrs I had to go to Weight Watchers. Mum always liked taking me to her diet fads, because it gave her more confidence, than going alone.   The staff at Weight Watchers was not happy with taking on a child as they are not specialised for that sort of thing, but mum told them they had to do something about my weight as I was very big!

From the time of Weight Watchers my dieting life would not be normal for a child.  I was absolutely forbidden any cakes, candies, chocolate, crisps outside of a Thursday evening and every Thursday evening she’d fill a whole shopping bag with whatever I wanted and demanded that I eat the lot or throw it away because I can’t have them until next Thursday if I don’t eat. 

What kid controls themselves when you present them with four doughnuts, two multipacks of crisps, 2 large cups of pick n mix candy, and five bars of chocolate after being sugar starved all week?  I couldn’t and every Thursday would be the same, vomiting, stomach ache, diarreah, it was awful! 

I’d say sugar starved but mum allowed me to have cans of diet coke whenever I liked as it was more convenient than giving me water or juice and I was allowed a packet of crisps per day too, but all she thought was hey, it’s not candy! 

On the rare occasions she allowed me to go to school, I’d always have a pack lunch – because of diet reasons. Yet I remember being given jam sandwiches, chocolate and crisps more often than not!

When I was 11yrs old she started to treat me like a teenager, she started to bully me when I was home educated by her as a new form of education, life skills – what I am missing out on by not being in school, the being moulded by your bullying peers for your looks.  She kept on destroying my confidence all the time, giving me what she felt was constructive criticism about what to wear and what not to wear in order to try not to stand out as a fat girl.

Wear black all over, make sure it’s baggy to hide your real shape, leave your hair down to hide your fat cheeks and chin and for God’s sake only use those horrendous pink glasses of yours to read!  I didn’t realise back then, but dressing like that attracts bullies to people like flies as wearing what I did virtually screams VICTIM! 

Because she was determined to make me wear black all the time, I took advantage of it and wore my depression like a goth.

Most UK schools students wear uniform. But in some of the schools I went to, they didn’t wear uniforms because they were special schools. I went to the schools because of my deafness, anxiety, lack of appropriate educational standard for my age due to bad home schooling and PTSD, I have never been taught to sign despite my consultant insisting it should be a life skill.

Teachers wanted me in mainstream school because I was smart, very smart, but it was outside of my age range. What I mean is, I was A+ student around 18 months in advance in all subjects except science and math, where I was actually 2yrs behind.

When I was 12yrs old I wanted to get into fashion big time and mum wanted to stop me; especially as I was offered a place in the junior games for swimming, I was being dragged back into a school specifically for girls and they were vicious.  My gran knew and told me, mum deliberately chose me to go to that school because of the vicious competitiveness the girls were known for there.  I only lasted a month there before I suffered the first of my nervous breakdowns that lead me to having live in mental health care at a children’s hospital/asylum. 

I became anorexic/bulimic; and 98llbs at 5ft 3 just before I turned 14.  I refused to eat more than half a sandwich and a piece of fruit a day.  I self-harmed, I became severely introverted and wouldn’t speak to men, and I became terrified of men because of something that happened to me around that time, which bought back a lot of fear for men since my sexual abuse aged 5.  If it wasn’t for a lovely keyworker I had in the hospital I nearly became a mute for life as before she became my new and second keyworker, I very nearly stopped talking altogether with anyone!

What is weird is, I was kind of happy too.  Because of the amount of people turning up in my life to remove me from my mother sounds weird I know, but she was abusive.  I used to self-harm when I had contact with my mum or something bad happened at the children’s mental hospital, like a bad day with another patient becoming violent triggering my PTSD. 

When I was 14yrs old another incident happened that nearly started my mental problems coming back again, another attempt at me from the same person who did things to me when I was 5.

Instead I took comfort in food for a small while again, this made mum happy as the welfare backed off now I was eating again and I went too far in eating and became obese where eventually welfare wanted me to diet or go back to the hospital again.

I felt like I couldn’t win.

By the time I was 16yrs old I became very much a jock and I was enjoying a semi-normal life; the judo I had started when I was 10yrs old I became skilled in and was offered a place to audition at the commonwealth games, but I got a serious mastoid infection that nearly killed me and needed surgery just six weeks before I was due to do it. 

The mastoid infection destroyed my right ear completely and I have no hearing in there anymore because I lost my ossicle bones.  But an ossicleplasty can fix that; unfortunately the NHS won’t do it, even though they know I have lost the perfect hearing in my left ear too, which happened more recently.

My labyrinth is apparantly completely exposed which means to this day, I still get some dizzy spells.

I didn’t gain back any weight until I met my boyfriend Gene in 2003 when I was 21, both he and my mum acted like obsessive feeders.  I got up to just over 200llb.  When I met someone online after Gene broke off with me who built my confidence I became sporty again and lost weight again.  I got down to 180llb with wonderful toned muscle, but I couldn’t lose any more weight because of the weight lifting etc. I had got myself into. 

I had a severe breakdown when Gene dumped me because of how cruelly he did it and after three major life events that made me distraught too, all these events happened within two weeks before he did this.  But he didn’t just wipe his hands clean of me, he kept coming back with promises all the time and it was mental torture. 

He didn’t leave me alone for nearly two years after the break up and the only reason he did was because he married someone new.

One of those major things was he hurt me badly where I lost a child at 5 months pregnant and wouldn’t take me to a hospital and took our only telephone with him when he left me in the house that night to handle the situation myself in the bathroom alone. 

This made me become ill for a long time and I went through the whole thing on my own and couldn’t talk to anyone about it. No one would have cared anyway, mum was relieved he dumped me as it gave me back to her.

We lived in a detached rural house with no neighbours and he took our only phone, whilst he went out on a drinking splurge with his friends because he couldn’t cope with the argument we just had.  He knew I started to bleed badly because of the punch but all he said as he walked out of the house was “sort yourself out”. 

My mum was never told what happened because she told me if I had a baby who was mixed race she’d disown me and at the time I had nowhere else to go.  He was from Peru.    

Well anyway, I got depressed with the nastier tricks and aggression that my mum started on me when I moved back with her in 2004.  I held it together until 2007, when I was 25yrs old but then started to lose heart to do anything anymore because of the obstacles she kept putting in my way.  So I started to eat compulsively again.

Especially since mum demanded I completely surrender to her if I want any life at all and I did.  She was going to pull the plug on the internet in September 2009; I met Paul in April 2009 and moved in with him in July of that year, because things were getting out of control and she was becoming more violent to me.

Initially I got involved with Paul purely because he wanted to get me out of that situation as a friend and we kind of got stuck together, if you get me? 

By the time I found Paul, I was 242llbs, I know because when we met, I got pregnant in September with Henry and I had to have my weight observed.  I had severe morning sickness with Henry than when I gave birth to him I was a 197llbs!  What woman can say that they lost weight when pregnant? 

But if you knew how bad the morning sickness was right up until I was seven months pregnant, you’d understand how that is possible!

I was so happy being that slim again after a few years, I went on a spending spree and got myself some lovely clothes of my choice – totally against my mother’s advice.  Bright garish and bohemian, she hated it and she was determined to destroy my new found confidence and happiness anyway she could!  I managed to get back to 180llbs and I was told by doctors the reason why I hadn’t lost any more weight from my diet plan for six weeks was because I have no fat left to lose, it is all lean muscle and I can’t lose that easily!  

So no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I can get less than 180llb ever, even if I tried this time around.  I am 5ft 8 so I am thankful that 180llb doesn’t look bad on me! 

By 2013 she became so obnoxious I had to remove her from my life.  She was causing a third breakdown in me and doctors nearly hospitalised me for “chronic mental fragility”. 

Lots of other things too, disparaging comments about my looks and my home, doing things to my son and my home behind my back and lying they were accidents, you get the picture, right?

When I told mum how I felt and how I don’t want to talk to her anymore or get visits I received a lot of threats from both my mum and my oldest brother; then I found out even the sweetest members of the family and even family friends turned against me because of overblown lies mum told them about why she no longer hears from me; including lying that Paul is domestically violent to me! 

So I thought I would have some family left if I left mum, but she did so much damage to the whole family network only the three aunts who never liked my mum from dad’s side of the family, still talk to me.  Even a cousin who practically raised me turned against me and that one hurt a lot!

I heard this cousin was so upset with the situation and my mum visiting her all the time to rant about me, that she moved to the other side of the country and stopped talking to the both of us, she is lovely like that, always neutral.

So it went like this – big extended family, where I knew fourth generation cousins, and an average wedding party had 450 on one side, to literally just three aunts and their kids overnight. 

Anyway – I had to get her out of my life one day because I had enough.  I told her don’t phone me and visit anymore and for a while I was bullied by my oldest brother about it and I mean bullied.  He has always threatened to do me for defamation for revealing things about my mum. Told me when I get a book published he will seek to destroy me before I got the foot in the door of a famous career as an author!

But I have to keep telling my truth, it’s how I heal.

I started to eat again.  Like I always do when depressed!

By 2015 I got to 305llbs, that’s how much I was eating.  180llbs to 305 in 2yrs!

So, after she got out of my life I was very mentally fragile for a long time and I got mono about eight months later which turned into pneumonia, I caught this at Christmas time and I was so ill I lost my voice till May, I had to use a white board to communicate with people.  It was scary as Paul and I thought I’d never talk again. (Weird enough, this happened around the time I began to be afraid to talk about my abuse in my blog, not so strange if you know anything about chakras, really.)

I also lost about 60% of my hearing in my left ear too, meaning a choice about wearing hearing aid in that ear is gone now, it’s essential.

This illness made my chest permanently weak and I have had pneumonia a total of four times since then.  This made me very ill and housebound for around eight years maybe nine.  So in 2017 I knew that I weighed myself in 2015 and it was 305llbs, I knew that I had gained two more sizes in that time as hardly anything fitted me anymore, but to this day I have no idea what my weight was in 2017 – I only know my body stats.  I was too afraid of breaking my scales, because my scales could only take 294llb and 305 was lucky not to have broken them earlier! 

My stats were like this in 2017.

Height 5ft 8

Weight unknown 305+

Waist 50 inches

Hips 58 inches

Thighs 30 inches

Knees 24 inches

Calves 23 inches

Chest 50 inches

Arms 20 inches

I became so fat I lost my signature hourglass shape and became a spoon, this made me raise more than my eyebrows I can tell you!  I was not happy about becoming a spoon! 

So I was determined to do something about it, I also felt confident to talk to the doctor about medical issues I was having with my digestive system.  I found I had IBS and IBD, no wonder really when you look at this history!

Anyway, I went on an elimination diet.  Went gluten free, lactose free, egg free, soy free, you name it, I went free on it for around two years.

Turned out recently that with IBD most of my bad reactions would happen occasionally no matter what I ate because of the disease.  So I started eating like a normal person again.

But what I did discover is that soy and mustard can make my spleen swell, depending on quantities and regularity of consumption.

So save for salad cream once a week, we try to avoid soy and mustard in my diet now, but it’s getting to a point I can’t even do that anymore.

Since around 2019 my body has started to reject most foods whenever it likes, it’s virtually impossible to get more than 2 meals a day now, without my body overreacting.

In 2021 I wanted to measure myself again as some clothing was becoming very loose and I had to buy new clothes.

Height 5ft 8

Weight 282llbs

Waist 45 inches

Hips 52 inches

Thighs 28 inches

Knees 19 and a half inches

Calves 20 inches

Chest 48 inches

Arms 17 inches

I suffered from nourishment issues and muscle loss which the doctor believed was due to the IBD and put me on bowel cancer watch; thankfully nothing came of it!

By Easter 2022 my doctor noticed more muscle loss.

I had such noticeable muscle loss, that they started to consider a muscle wasting disease, I told them I was diagnosed with rheumatic arthritis when I was 21yrs old, but for some reason or another, the doctor who saw me that day said he couldn’t find it on my record!

I came home concerned about my muscle loss and I found a friend online who helps women over 40 through the menopause and into toning up and becoming late in fitness and body building.  I knew I wasn’t 40 at the time, but I knew in October that I would be – so I was making my plans!

She taught me that protein is everything for a woman over 40.  I said to her “hey, that’s funny you should say that, because when I was more athletic when I was younger I found out I am a protein metabolism and an anaerobic person, whatever that meant”.  She explained things in full and she believed that someone like me, going back into a high protein diet from being a mostly plant based high carb diet, would benefit a lot, including my disabling health issues.

So I started to make sure I get 75g of protein a day minimum and do little bits of exercise, from squatting for only a few seconds without pain and all sorts of small things. 

I am now able to use an exercise bike for HIIT exercises for 2 to 7 minutes now – depends on the day, burning an average of 25 to 70 calories a time according to the counter, which seems a lot to me, I wonder if it’s broken?  But I do go at the thing like a mentally impaired hamster! 

My squats can now be held for three minutes sometimes more, now and I am no longer getting shaky in my legs if I stand for more than fifteen minutes.

I have started a shake a weight and other arm specific exercises because my triceps seem to have turned to water, lol.  Ok that’s my way in saying I am not proud of my bat wings!

But the arms are starting to noticeably tone up now.  In fact I’ve lost half an inch to my arms since starting it a month ago!

In fact, let’s put my stats up now, because Paul measured me on the 5th October and I know this is being posted a week later, but better late than never hey?  I am called TardyCreative after all!

5th October 2022

5ft 8

253llbs, I know I am still very heavy, but I am getting slimmer!  I plan to be 180llbs by the end of summer 2023, according to NOOM I can be that by this date if I don’t slip up.  I am kind of cheating though, because I presumed I might get sick, so put my lifestyle down as sedentary, it’s possible I could lose it faster as I am gaining more health to do more exercises.

Waist 45 inches

Hips 48 inches

Thighs 28 inches

Knees 20 inches (somehow gained half an inch, is it the squatting exercises at fault?)

Calves 20 inches

Chest 46 and a half inches

Arms 16 and a half inches!

So, I am getting there!  I don’t want to be fat anymore, I feel free of my mum after all this time and I can’t keep thinking about her all the while, she never approves of anything I do – so I’ve got to make myself happy don’t I?

I am not happy being this fat, its bad enough I am ugly as sin, but not fat too, I can do something about that!

I have been doing facial exercises to reshape my face, it seems to be working.  But I have an inverted triangle face, which there is nothing I can do about that, but I can make it look less fat!

I bought a jump rope too, so I will be trying to do those exercises too next week!  Bear in mind I have hip issues since the NHS neglected to repair damage from a former ectopic pregnancy I had, so jumping should be painfully fun.

So my goal is to be 180llb and to define my shape back to hourglass and be toned and strong again.

Unfortunately my confidence is a little shot, as Long Covid has caused alopecia, but I suppose there’s hair extensions when I get my book published and can afford them?

My braces should be fitted by Valentine’s Day too, though I haven’t got an letter confirming yet.

So I said my life begins at 40 and its jolly well going to!

So there!

Hate me, love me, I don’t care, it’s your problem!

Happy reading! 

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Today I am p1

Today I have been feeling androgynous, I still want my long hair but not up.

I want to dress in brown leather and cotton clothing.

I am feeling more masculine today and ready to take on bigger challenges because of it. I am also a little more inclined towards my fitness goals today.

I don’t have brown leather anymore and my mother deliberately didn’t allow me to have my sherlock style cloak when I moved here because at the time it was about one size too small for me (it would be big now), she threw it away amongst a lot of other stuff I had.

Had I of still ad my Sherlock cloak, it would be that sort of day for me.

I want to go on a lovely walk in all the autumn colours, especially with a dog and a frisbee. Drink spicy drinks and eat spicy food.

I am likely to have a weird spicy frankfurter stir fry tonight for dinner. Please don’t judge me. lol.

Wish I could find root beer in Rugby town, could do with that or an apple spiced tea.

I would also like to make some stem ginger biscuits, but we can’t afford to do that right now.

I am extra snuggly today, I want to cosy up in front of a fireplace, snuggling a dog or my favourite people all of us wrapped in a lovely fleece or cashmere blanket.

To say I am extra snuggly means I am excessively so, as I am always looking for an excuse to snuggle down with someone or thing, be it animal or person or my hot water bottle Pinkie. Again, please don’t judge me and yes I did just name my water bottle Pinkie. I have others too…

Thanks for reading.

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