Category Archives: About Me

Based on true events in my life.

I am exhausted

For the past few weeks it has been a mentally exhausting time for me and my whole family; Some people from my past have been trying to contact me again and I have learned recently that two relatives on my side of the family have cancer, and understanding that more distant relations are also suffering loss; along with this I have been trying to manage my sons increasing anxieties and screaming matches between him and his father amongst other things, such as the house falling apart, quite literally due to storm damage and damp.

All of it has taken its toll on my physical health and unusually I have been sleeping eleven to thirteen hours a day and still unsatisfied with the rest.  Consequently for the past five days in particular, I have not written a word towards any novel and this is going to severely affect my chosen deadline.

Paul would like me to stick to my deadline but also understands that I should not push myself to do it by the deadline, because my mental health and mental growth is more important – however, I have people waiting for my work and that gives me a sort of pressure.

Also my perfectionism drives me to the point of insanity and if I make a statement about doing something by some self-imposed deadline, I am merciless even to myself if I fail it.

What is frustrating about all of this is the mental bashing has come at a time when physically I was showing big signs of improvement because of the high protein diet and small activities I have been doing as well as giving up the caffeine. 

It is almost like bad luck is queuing up, waiting their turn.

I told Paul recently that I feel like I am cursed, or that I have somehow cursed him because he had a wonderful family and a sort of happy life before he met me and slowly his life is going the downward spiral I have.

It’s like I am an unlucky penny.

I have to say, it’s one of the many reasons I don’t like to get close to new people, because I really do think I bring them bad luck.  However, take me to a casino and you wouldn’t believe it, I have been used as a good luck trophy at those places in the past for good reason!

My grandma in particular loved me tagging along with her at bingo and casinos, because she would regularly win large prizes and a couple of exes owe big wins to me too; but in everything else though, I seem to doom people who live with me to a hard life.

I noticed it only affects people I live with if the people are happy with stagnation, so maybe it’s not me after all?  I noticed people with an ambitious drive for life etc; seem to do better around me than those who are happy as they are.  I don’t know, but it does affect my confidence somewhat.

I need people in my life who is energised by positivity and excitement on a consistent basis, that the more positive energy and drive the person they live with has, the more they have – but I noticed some people are different, some people get the energy from me for a short time, love being around me, but to live with me drains them and then consequently they drain me.

It’s a strange phenomenon.

Paul is convinced I am an anomaly, that there are very few people like me who can have consistent positive energy without falling apart eventually.

I am drained by stagnation and people who make do.

Gosh I sound bad.

Well in any case, at the moment I am drained and I am finding it hard to keep my positive outlook and that is affecting productivity.

I am beginning to think that October 21st was a bad idea, I should have kept with my instinct of the 23rd of January, but I believe I got a little cocky, thinking that being firm with everyone in my household would make people back off each other and I could be more productive.  Instead, some people have used this against me in order to become worse. 

Henry in particular openly confessed to me he doesn’t want me to be successful and potentially famous because that would mean he would become famous too and he doesn’t want that.  This is a major reason why Henry has been trying to be sick from school a lot, even becoming bulimic in the process to be sent home from school because of the vomiting factor, and so he understands whilst he is at home I cannot write because of the screaming matches between him and his father, who is home all day too.

Often I try to diffuse the screaming matches to no avail, because it just seems to make things worse, no matter how calm and collective I try to be.  The both of them are as bad as each other and so often I sit there just watching them scream at each other, because most of the time they don’t hear me anyway.

It did work, me being in the bedroom writing on my laptop for a couple of days, but Henry started to scream louder to the extent he nearly lost his voice, just because he wanted to disturb me.  He then started to sit outside the bedroom whilst I wrote, in order to play his robot wars with the loudest commentary he could muster.  This is what I am trying to work around; I have little support from Paul who seems to be falling apart at the seams in every single way right now.

It’s exhausting because it is almost constant now.

I have learned to write when they go to Tesco’s forty five minute bursts every three days, not enough.

I am trying to get a handle on my physical health so I can go to a café to write, because really, even the nosiest café in town is quieter than here and this house is getting a reputation in the street in being the mad house, because neighbours can clearly hear what the yelling is exactly about, it’s that bad!

They’ve even asked if I still live there as they noticed I am the quietest person here and they rarely hear me!

I can’t afford to sit in a café daily, but even if it’s twice a week I’d get more work done there than I would here, but I need to walk there and I need a while to get strength back into my legs.  Because I have been bedbound and housebound sick for years, it has taken me nearly three months of small exercises to be able to stand in the kitchen for fifteen minutes, whilst preparing a fruit salad for myself.  So it will be at least another three to six months before I can walk to Tesco café.

I am not putting off the deadline that long.

But it does mean I have to do unsociable habits; sleeping during the day, so I can write at night.  Waking 11am sometimes 1pm to sleep by 2am only gives me ninety minutes a day, but it’s something.  But it does depend on how exhausting that evening has been.

I am trying hard to pull Henry away from the laptop and robots in order to do something with him that won’t provoke screaming matches between his father and him, but it’s a task to get the boy doing anything else.

I am thinking about going into credit again to buy a shed/office for the garden, but honestly I can’t think about doing that until one debt is completely paid off in March.  If I am still struggling by March, I would have to consider it strongly, so I can work on my novels.

It drives me nuts not being able to write as fast as I want to, even resorting to taking hearing aids out and sitting with cotton wool in my ears, they still manage to penetrate that and I am completely deaf in one ear and 30% hearing in the other; but as I said, they scream loud enough for the street to hear the conversations.

I really don’t say it lightly.

I am knackered.

Happy reading!

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The airheads future

I don’t want my blog to become too predictable, so I thought I would spread out my influence posts over a couple of weeks – Paul felt that perhaps I should do them every day for a week, but I felt that would bore people; let me know if I was wrong, please.

I will be discussing a lot more about how I think and feel about many artists and writers works in the future of this blog, whilst still maintaining poetry, writing updates and maybe the odd short story now and again to entertain you.

I am preparing myself for two things over the next coming months; my deadline of October 21st or thereabouts as my first step into contacting an author’s agent to look for representation for my series project AD and the other thing is learning how to start a YouTube channel for just after Christmas.

I have been planning a YouTube channel for nearly three years now and to be perfectly honest I am more than a little nervous about it, because I am not very body confident.

Paul said there are lots of YouTube channels where you don’t see the person videoing, but I know it wouldn’t work for me in what I want to do though. 

My blog is just about me, my life, my hobbies and my journey into becoming a fulltime successful creative, either as a writer or artist or if I am really lucky – both!  I have even thought about doing an occasional review of the books I like and maybe even shopping hauls once I get a bit more confident.

Why so much for one channel?  I am easily bored and it will help me find out more about what people enjoy about me, then I may open up more channels to be more specific with each different thing.

I am very new to all of this and I am not technologically savvy, I have had a very sheltered and socially isolated life, so one of my main concerns is coming across as an air head who is all over the place… although me being an air head that is all over the place is true, I don’t want to be known for it, if you get me? 

I am laughing at the irony of what I have just said, but there you go, maybe I should just relax and be happy about being an air head, eh?

Happy reading!

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100 things of joy

This post exists because I am trying very hard to buck myself up, heal myself mentally and find a purpose in life other than just what other people tell me my purpose is.

Since becoming bedbound and housebound sick around eight or nine years ago, I slowly fell into a depression that lead to suicidal thoughts and I forgot how to feel happy; even certain hobbies I used to love, no longer bought me joy and because of lack of space and money, those things diminished more and more to the point that I no longer had a way in feeling even the slightest bit of joy.

A majority of the things that bought me happiness was physical activity, I love sport, I love exercise, but my illness made me slow down to the point of stagnation.

Slowly I am rebuilding my health, I have a new diet which is helping me get there halfway but I am out of practise in moving my body in general and so I am starting the slow process to get my mobility back – it’s going to take months, if not a couple of years to get to the level I would like!

I have been watching a lot of Mel Robbins videos lately, instead of honing my writing skills and learning about graphic novels like I said I was going to; because I felt I couldn’t market myself or do things confidently unless I was actually feeling confident and capable.  Mel Robbin’s videos on YouTube are helping me find my capabilities in baby steps.

One of the things was to learn to find ten things that bring me joy or excitement and try to do three of them about once a week each; instead I decided I like a lot more variety so I spent three hours last night just sitting down thinking about one hundred things that bring me joy, happiness and excitement and wrote them down, with the goal of trying to do three a week.

Although Paul was disappointed I didn’t add any word count to any of my current projects whilst I did this, he did agree that this list needed to exist too and that my mental health is just as important as my writing, if not more so!

So here is my list, unfortunately many of the below cannot be done until either finances improve for me to travel, get a dog or get the fitness level I need to do them, but there are plenty things in my list that work well for a sedentary impoverished life, it was just my task to try and find them!

Now these things below really do make me happy, relaxed, confident, excited and I can spend hours doing any of these activities below – ironically you won’t find much about writing down there, because I lost my joy of writing a few years back and I have been trying very hard to get it back!

Writing is literally a job now, or it will be once I start getting paid for it, but it is not something I would say brings me joy these days and I know why!  Writing bought me joy when I was brainstorming my ideas with friends and family, but there is no one available to me in recent years to do that with other than Paul and Paul lacks the enthusiasm I used to get from people of my past.

An asterisk in the list means there is an obstacle for me at the moment for the thing I wrote down. 

Some of the things with asterisks are things I used to do before there were obstacles and I miss them.

So let’s show you the list…

  1. Writing vampire stories even though the world hates them! One of the major reasons why I don’t get much other writing done in my other genres and projects, spending too much time with my vampires.
  2. Gardening * I have a really obnoxious neighbour who is abusive so I don’t do it anymore
  3. Reading in the garden on a swing hammock or by a pond *same as above
  4. Playing with dogs and training them * don’t have a dog anymore but working on getting one when finances improve
  5. Painting
  6. Carboot sales * can’t travel to them, they are out of a bus route
  7. Watching vampire, demon and mafia movies
  8. Watching aquarium or pond fish * don’t have either of those things yet
  9. Cooking for people * Paul worries too much about me not coping that I find it difficult to cook without interference, we argue about it frequently
  10. Board and card games with 3+ people
  11. Drama classes and amateur theatre * at the moment there are other things I need to work on before taking this hobby back up again!
  12. Practising musical instruments
  13. Shopping * finances need improvement can even be daring with an extra £2.50 these days! 
  14. Visiting libraries
  15. Visiting garden centres * none within a bus ride even if I just window shopped
  16. Going to parks, gardens and woods
  17. Going to museums * none in bus ride I haven’t exhausted
  18. Brainstorming my creative ideas with a group * don’t have a trustworthy group again yet
  19. Swimming  & diving * can’t afford the fee for the local centre
  20. Doing tarot readings for people
  21. Having picnics
  22. Rowing on lakes * no rowing lakes nearby, no one to row with and I can’t be the only rower, because sometimes my carpal tunnel syndrome or my arthritis flares up, my arthritis is worse in my left shoulder than anywhere else! 
  23. Rock pooling * nowhere local to my knowledge to do it
  24. Playing with sand
  25. Painting stones and pebbles
  26. Making prisms
  27. Watching horse racing * no one likes to do this with me yet
  28. Watching cruft’s and other dog sport events
  29. Watching gymnastics
  30. Watching rugby
  31. Watching wrestling * can’t afford subscription tv to see them and it’s on too late here in the UK so often miss it
  32. Halloween preparations and parties
  33. Firework displays and parties
  34. BBQ parties
  35. Going to the Severn Valley steam railway * finances need improvement
  36. Whipsnade zoo & picnics * can’t get there easily and I like large picnics with lots of people
  37. Zip wires – the longer the better!
  38. Trampolining * need more fitness first
  39. Netball * same as above
  40. Arcades * financial improvement needed first
  41. Pub lunches * same as above
  42. Going to musical theatres * same as above, also a willing companion needed! 
  43. Going to circuses * same as above
  44. Going to fetes, country fairs and fairgrounds * same as above
  45. Learning new languages
  46. Giving and receiving massages
  47. Research for my stories
  48. Upcycling things * same as above
  49. Playing darts * don’t have a dart board anymore
  50. Snuggling with people and pets * not even my rabbit likes to snuggle cries*
  51. Building cushion forts * no room, not enough cushions for fort making
  52. Playing Ovipets online
  53. Playing console games * TV broke and the ones we have don’t have the thingys according to Paul
  54. Word games, particularly with other people
  55. Tae Bo workouts * need to get fit again first to do the proper 45 minute work out
  56. Singing * people complain too much in this house
  57. Belly dancing and watching belly dancers * I’d love to try and dance them someday too, if I ever become a published author or famous enough, I’d like to be invited to come dancing, one of my fantasies! 
  58. Watching tango, paso doble and flamenco dances
  59. Reading books on culture, religion and mythology
  60. Charity work and volunteering * can’t get to places lately
  61. Daydreaming on long car journeys * – I don’t talk on long car journeys, sorry! Also we don’t have a car and there is no one to take me for a ride! 
  62. Long over ground train journeys – again I don’t talk much on those, unless it’s about the scenery or if its urban sceneries then I’d have my nose in a book!
  63. Blowing bubbles for myself but it is more fun with dogs and babies! 
  64. Hand making things with children
  65. Organising children’s parties
  66. 1000 piece or bigger jigsaw puzzles – like to have one set up all the time!
  67. Watching the RHS show
  68. Reading gardening and fashion magazines * had to give up four subscriptions recently, can’t afford them anymore
  69. Looking for hag stones and other things in nature
  70. Being inside the darkness of dense mossy woodlands, meditating * the local place is too dangerous now as there are too many avalanches into the lake it’s sealed off!  Need to find another dense mossy woodland elsewhere! 
  71. Playing swing ball * don’t have one anymore and not doing it with that neighbour around – found out recently that they aren’t leaving after all because he spent the deposit money to move behind his wife’s back!  I think the whole neighbourhood heard that screaming match!
  72. Walks on frosty mornings – weather permitting
  73. Walks particularly at the top of hills at dawn or dusk taking pictures!  * Can’t get up the hill in Quarry Park since 2015, working on trying to get fit for it again
  74. Moon bathing… yes it’s a thing!
  75. Watching the local bats flying around
  76. Midnight walks at full moons especially but never alone! *
  77. Photographing wildlife and plants
  78. Baking
  79. Sugar crafting
  80. Making soups and casseroles for people
  81. Making seasonal decorations
  82. Running and jogging with dogs * don’t have a dog currently and not fit enough anymore, but trying to get it all back!
  83. Watching short movies and art movies
  84. Whittling or carving art into wood with knives
  85. Designing clothes, especially ball gowns
  86. Playing marbles
  87. Playing jacks
  88. Flower arranging and making elaborate arrangements especially for formal occasions!
  89. Making puppets or soft toys for kids
  90. Having an Indian head massage
  91. Motivating others
  92. Walking in the summer light rain
  93. Writing in cafes *
  94. Making wands, staffs and homemade natural weapons
  95. Learning new skills, that are fun
  96. Playing the discus
  97. Playing Frisbee with dogs and children
  98. Strategic war games
  99. Collecting specific things – buttons, dragons, seeds, books, trump cards & crystals
  100. Knitting for people * brings on my carpal tunnel syndrome if I knit more than fifteen minutes a time

Happy reading everyone!

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Baby steps to confidence

I am getting a little more confident in my looks recently, though I still have days again when I feel I am still hideous, but it is improving thanks to three things in particular.

I have had a front tooth removed recently and discovered that I am not too old for braces, this I have already shared, I haven’t got a date for the installation of my braces yet, but I was told it could be around six months’ time, to give me time to heal.  This would give me a straight smile, because I had double sets of teeth and two were crooked.

I won’t have braces at the top of my jaw, only the bottom, because it is said to be lucky to have a gap in the teeth up there and it’s not much different to what Madonna had/has. 

They say a woman who has a gap in her teeth is destined to become rich or famous.  I don’t mind fame if my privacy is respected; but I do hate people who feel entitled to interfere with a celebrity’s life just because they have the wrong idea that just because a person is famous – they are owned by the world!  That mind-set makes me angry and I am worried that I might be overly aggressive to the invasion of my privacy, especially as I am generally a gentle and loving person.

Though gentle, loving and nurturing I am also incredibly fierce about injustice, unfair treatment and inequality!

The second thing that has helped my confidence is that I accidentally discovered a large mark that was forming on my face wasn’t skin cancer or a mole, but was a horrible large wart and now that’s gone entirely!  It was about the size of a twenty pence piece.

I accidentally got rid of it when I bought some aloe vera wipes to help me clean my face as I started to develop acne when I did a detox diet and noticed that the mark on my face was shrinking, so I continued doing these wipes for three months and it went entirely!

The third thing is thanks to the motivational speaker Mel Robbins when she suggested people who lack self-love and confidence, should high five themselves in the mirror and treat your reflection as a friend you love and who deserves kindness and respect.  I thought it was baloney, but it’s strange seeing how my confidence has shifted a little and its only been four days now.

I am not confident with my hair because I have developed acute alopecia due to three things according to my GP, those are, my previous mental health problem of trichotillomania (self-hair pulling) that was pretty bad when I lived with my mother weakening the roots; a symptom of long covid and a hormonal imbalance of a woman who is potentially starting the perimenopause early.  I don’t believe the latter, because other than hair problems I am OK with everything else.

So, as I said before, I am working on many things at once in my life.

I am feeling proud of myself and I will improve much more than this, I will make sure of it!

Happy reading!

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Baby steps to fitness

The high protein diet seems to be helping me a lot in my health, though I have had a couple of bad days this week I have noticed my asthmas is improving, whether that is coincidental or not I don’t know.

I am trying to get three minute exercises in about three times a day, because I am doing this from being housebound and bedbound sick for the past eight or nine years, so baby steps!

I started around two months ago squatting for fifteen seconds as that was the most I could do before I got shaky and felt pain, but I have now progressed to being able to squat for up to three and sometimes four minutes now. 

This progressed to me getting up from a chair and sitting down again twenty times in a row twice a day as well, to now being able to do that around eighty times before I need to rest.

Five days ago I added a new exercise to the three times a day thing, that is the weight shake, I can’t do more than twenty five seconds per arm at the moment and I am getting shakiness in my arms again, because they are not used to being used – but I am trying my best to strengthen myself up a bit.

Though Paul is concerned that I have complained of shock pains in my right arm, meaning that my carpal tunnel syndrome could show up again soon, if I don’t slow down a bit.

I haven’t started going out for walks yet, but that’s next on the agenda, perhaps in a week or two.

I have been trying to force my body to use to the idea that I want to be athletic again, even though in reality I am still quite sick, I am trying to force my body to get better. 

I am also working hard in cosmic ordering on all areas of my life, so with my new found positive approach to life, I should get there!  I won’t say hope, because that sends signals to the universe that I want to feel like being hopeful about things and so things won’t change and they must change!

Happy reading!

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The table exercise

I am going to share my poetry exercises from the book I am reading about how to improve my poetry or get into it, because I am not confident in what I do;

The book is called “How to grow your own poem” by Kate Clanchy and I borrowed the book from the local library.

There is a poem in the book called “The table” by Edip Cansever and I am supposed to write my own version of the poem.  Here is a link to the poem if you are interested?

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~rwtill/Poems/table.html

She comes home eager to share the events of the day

Chattering like there is no tomorrow

Putting her damp coat up on the rack and kicking off her shoes

Throwing her handbag down at the side of the couch

She takes her hair out of the neat bun and places her scrunchy and pins in a green bowl on the coffee table

Nobody cares about what she says, but she chatters on

An old lady got her walking stick stuck in a drain pipe today

Oh and I was told that Liam is having a party at the weekend and asked if I could go

Feet soggy in damp socks placed upon a footstool in front of the fire

Warmth sighing through her – release

Gerald was thinking about getting a cat too, can you imagine it?

Snuggling down deep into the couch

A hot mug of cocoa placed in her hands, stings but then sooths

Happily she sips the creamy sweet drink

Smiling to herself

I know they aren’t bothered by what I have to say

But I‘ve had a good day

Helped a stranger, made a friend, got all the work done in time for a change

She feels herself nodding into a snooze

Life is so draining here

Not like out there where I come home full of energy

She smiles to herself again

I suppose they can’t help it

Being stuck in all day

I wish they’d talk more about their day

Then thinking about the muppets song…

Now what was it?

Ah yes!  Cabin fever!

That’s probably what it is with them

They’ve been stuck inside so long they’ve forgotten about life outside!

Mum, why don’t you go out more?

It’s not right to be stuck in like this!

You are hardly talking anymore!

Putting the mug of cocoa down on a pile of magazine on the coffee table

She turns to look at her mum

Her mum is sleeping in the green armchair next to her

She never used to be like this

She used to be vibrant too

As you can see, the poem doesn’t rhyme like a lot of my poems do, but that’s the point, to broaden my poetical horizons.

I am not happy with the above; I would probably delete it and ignore it.  But then I wouldn’t grow, tell me what you think of it!

Happy reading! 

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Social confusion

A fundamental thing that nobody understands about someone who has been raised in isolation, especially someone like me who didn’t get away from all that until the age of twenty seven is this;

They don’t grasp how difficult it is to understand social cues.

They haven’t experienced being socially isolated to the extent you have no idea about what is socially acceptable, except for the things that they have learned from their oppressors.

That although you have been socially isolated and talk sometimes online to people, you are still clueless about how to interact with people, even there!

You still have your oppressors telling you that emailing a person more than once a week will make you come across as sad and needy, or that they may misread your intentions as flirtation if you talk to them too much!

Though I understand in part that this is untrue, I still haven’t the foggiest about just how much contact with people is acceptable – especially people I hardly know. 

That someone like me is likely to make a lot of major social fuck ups, because she hasn’t learned what is normal to society as a whole, not even online.

So, when I slip up, I expect someone to be open with me about how I have made them feel and guide me – not just walk out of my life because I am strange or I am aloof, I seem disinterested, because that isn’t true at all. 

I remember a time I met my adult nephew in-law for the fourth time ever in his life, he decided to hug me goodbye but I learned that the hug was uncomfortably long and made everyone feel weird.  These simple gestures, I am clueless about!

I believe I have said it before on this blog, that I am really a baby to society and it’s true – though I am forty next month, I still haven’t learned the social basics.  I had just three years’ experience of true social freedom before I became bedbound sick for nine years – I am starting from scratch again now that some of my health is stabilising and it’s scary.  Because nobody understands a woman of forty who has never socialised enough to know what she is doing!

Believe me when I say I read about twelve books at a time, not at the same time, but around the same time, if you get me?  I read a book to ten to thirty pages, then I put it down and pick up another – a majority of these books are self-help books, books about society and culture, body language and how to have conversations with people.

I have learned how to ask open ended questions, either the books are full of shit or the people I have met are more socially awkward than I am, because they just answer with a blunt endings and scoot away a bit from me.

Maybe it’s the type of questions I ask?  I don’t know! 

But I don’t see how talking about the artwork someone is looking at or generally talking about the school (if collecting my child from it) can cause a reaction where someone would scoot away.  It’s not like I am asking “who are you and where do you live”?  So it’s puzzling to me.

I generally wait until people approach me these days, because I am new to all of this.

I am way too open about myself to almost everyone, because I am not ashamed of who I am and I have nothing to hide, but apparently that makes people uncomfortable.  It’s like I can’t win.

But then again, when I don’t talk much, I get the same reaction, again can’t win! 

I genuinely want to know how a person feels, not how tired they are or what the state of their health is like, I want to know if they are happy and comfortable.  I want to know how they feel about the artwork they are looking at, what they really do think about the school that their children go to and just generally ask where locally is best to take the children, maybe there is something I haven’t heard of nearby?  Why do I get the cold shoulder… is it me or is it them?

I reckon it’s me; it has to be me, because I was the one in social isolation for twenty seven years and rose by a narcissistic and a verbally abusive mother.  They have friends around them sometimes, I don’t – so it’s not like they are truly socially awkward, like me.

I bought this up because there are friends online or rather online acquaintances that would be nice to become friends with, however, they talk a lot for an hour or so, then they either never contact me again or it’s a couple of months between.  It’s odd to me.  I’d have imagined once a week a little line, but not regular every day contact.  But sometimes, they decide never to talk again and I can’t help but wonder did I get too personal with them?

I sit back and think; maybe they can’t cope with my changes?  Maybe talking so positively and confidently about myself one day and then the next day being a little anxious about things is something that everyone experiences – but for me, it seems to lose friends at a rapid rate.  I can’t be positive and confident all of the time, I am only human.

I noticed I get more followers when I am confident and no sooner had I had a post where I am anxious I have lost half a dozen or so.

I am not a robot.

I am a person.

Everyone has those days.

I can’t feed other people’s egos all the time, because I have off days too!

If you expect that, then, maybe you have social issues too?

But right now I am in a state of perplexity and this is why I have become relatively quiet on twitter lately.

If I am not being contacted by depressives who are using me as a therapist in DMs, I am being contacted by scammers pretending to celebrities I follow in their little private account messages.

Thing is, one thing that seems to set me apart from the average person in society is that I can smell a scam and a liar a mile off, because my family aren’t entirely honest folk and I know the tricks people play, because as I was growing up my family sort of prepared me in the form of little games and tricks the family did to each other, to keep our minds sharp about society in general. 

I am not very trusting, but when I have been raised in a situation like that, you can understand it!  I’ve had relatives do the nastiest social tricks on me over the years, as what they believe is training, that I never get my hopes up about anything anymore.  I had the joy of life sucked out of me at a very young age, I can’t trust and I can’t feel excited about anything, because I have been trained that it is usually a ruse or that things are easily cancelled.

So there is no point being excited about anything.

There is more than just socialising I have to learn in my life, so much is ingrained though.

My son and Paul gets excited about things and I just sit there, pan faced and nod and say things like “well it would be nice if it were to happen, wouldn’t it”?  They rightfully ask me if I am excited too?  Me being blunt and honest as I am would reply “Yes, I’d like it to happen, but I am not too excited, because you never know…” I am sorry I just can’t help it!

I am not a kill joy really, but there are times when I am cautious about good things that when they are actually in process I am anxious, waiting for people to jump out at me and laugh at me for being such a sad bitch who thought it was all going to be perfect etc.  It’s happened before, its happened a lot!  I find happiness difficult, because there is always someone out to ruin it or make it false, if you understand that?

So, I am a boring person upon reflection.  I don’t like surprises because in the past I have learned that anything with surprise in it is generally going to be unpleasant and humiliating.

Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter, because this post is getting too long.  But I hope you are all starting to get a clearer picture of who I am and why I am this way!

Happy reading! 

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I tried

My soul is dead

It’s gone and buried

It died slowly these past nine years

It was awful

Painful and harried

I tried to save myself

So much, alone

But there is only so much you can do

When the birds eat the seeds you’ve sown

You try to pick yourself up

Brush yourself down

But then you look around you

All you see are frowns

No one is happy here in this place

The house is a mess, no it’s a disgrace

You try to smile and spur them on

To pick themselves up and sing a happy song

But they frown harder still and scream for silence

It’s funny to think I chose this over violence

It’s a funny old world

But I do not laugh

I’ve not had a life, not even half

I’ve tried to pull through all the shit and decay

I’ve done it alone but I’m covered in heavy clay

Of the burdens of my choices

The ones I thought best

But instead the path I fell to

Was an utter mess

It’s weighing me down

All this clay

I am growing tired to fight or play

I just can’t cope anymore alone

I’m just not happy in my own home

I need to try harder I guess

But I feel weak, drowned in mess

I don’t have the spark anymore to try

I only wish that I could die

I need to start again

In another life

I can’t go on

But at least I tried

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Body whispering

My diet is reverting and it’s great!  It’s not a diet for weight loss, it is a diet based on my old principles. 

I have known for several years that I have a protein metabolism; something that Paul never took too seriously.  This is based on a book I read around seventeen years ago called “The metabolic typing diet” by William L. Wolcott and Trish Fahey; because Paul didn’t want to cater towards the foods I was used to for whatever reason, I as I always do, compromise what I want for being easy on others, so this meant that I increasingly ate a high carb diet.

This did not affect my weight at all, but I believe it did affect my health.  I became really sick regarding eating and digesting food for quite a while to the extent I got out of the habit of eating food at regular intervals primarily because of digestive pain and the inability to keep things down!

Recently I was told by a doctor that I have no allergies or intolerances whatsoever like Paul believed I had – it is likely the big bouts of pain I have are due to IBD flare ups, because it would seem I would still have days like that, no matter what I was avoiding.

So, I have gone back into a normal for a human type diet – but I wanted to empathise to Paul about my dietary past, before I moved in with him and how I believe that I am not getting the right fuel for my metabolic type.

Just because he is worried about the lack of food I am in taking for the past couple of years and how sick I have been over the years, he has decided to cave into what he believes is this fad idea and he has been surprised at how my appetite is increasing and it has only been six days into the diet.  This post was written on the 24th August, after some friends are still concerned online that I am not eating enough.

You see this change of diet I am undergoing was actually exactly what I ate before I moved in with him, thirteen years ago!

Since going onto a high protein diet, my appetite is coming back and I am regaining energy and I have already noticed a significant change in my skin, despite this, the caloric intake is not as high as you’d expect, I am now averaging 1900 a day, which is a vast improvement from an average of 1000 and not keeping it down! 

Since my energy levels are improving, I have noticed that I am starting to get more energy to help around the house again and I am not shaky when I do physical activities anymore.

I knew my body very well, I used to be athletic, I used to go on nine mile walks a day, I would do weight training in the evenings, walk a dog, practise the swing ball, do my tae bo exercises twice a day and was always begging people to play netball, ping pong, darts or rounder’s with me.  I had a mostly lethargic social group, but I motivated some of them!

Oh and I loved swimming, a true water baby – I can’t sit on the side of the pool, that’s not me, I love to dive right in there and get bratty like a kid if I am asked to get out of the pool!  I think it’s because my inner child likes to think herself as a mermaid when she is in there!

I learned to know my metabolic type; I felt it is vital for everyone to learn that – because one man’s food is another man’s poison.  You might very well love munching down on crudités, but if you were built for protein, you need to make sure that the vegetables you are consuming are high in protein; there are more than you think!

I poisoned myself for the sake of convenience and I believe it’s what nearly killed me!

I don’t do well on high carbs or high fat and lots of people have the misconception that high protein means high fat, not at all, it depends on the type of protein you are putting into your body!

I have seen such a vast improvement lately that I believe this time next week; I’ll be able to do some kind of light exercise again.

But at the moment my body is going through a healing process, where I feel that whilst I am getting the building blocks into my system, I need a bit of rest.  I can sense my body asking me to slow down and take it easy – don’t leap into anything just yet and I am not going to ignore that!

One habit I never got out of when my diet became high carb was that I never got lulled into the habit by Paul of drinking mostly coffee or tea; I still stuck to three pints of water a day with a green tea, even though for years I did lose my daily cranberry juice, but I’ve got that back too!  Yay!

Most people sneer at someone like me as they see a fat sick person and don’t realise that they are actually more switched on about nutrients, metabolism, dieting and exercise than the average Joe.  Looks are very deceiving my dears, I wasn’t like this in my past!  I got fat due to illness; I actually have a natural propensity for building muscle quite quickly – I don’t need to exercise as much as the average person as I bulk quite quickly.  I suppose I am fortunate for that.

I think the one main thing that bought Paul around to my way of thinking was the fact that I told him, he doesn’t have to change his diet for me, but now I am turning forty in October I really need to ramp up the protein as I will start losing muscle mass at a quicker rate and really it could happen faster for me, because of my rheumatic arthritis. 

In fact, eating a high protein diet could stop my muscle wasting so fast because of it too; this is something a friend told me online.  She is an over fifties body builder and she’s been helping me get back on track with how I used to be!

I am also a natural hourglass shape, my waist has always been unusually small, and my bone frame is considered petit by the doctors, which has always worried them when I gained weight. 

I am also planning to get back into exercising for my shape, with “escape your shape” by Edward Jackowski, which I loved twenty years ago and really helped me sculpt my body the way I like it!  I am also 5ft 8.

So, these are the changes happening in my life right now.

My digestive health is certainly starting to feel like it is stabilising and I was told by my friend that my immune health should right itself in a few weeks’ time too!

I hope so!

It’s challenging with our budget, but I hope we can manage it!

Happy reading!

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Juggling my life

I believe my previous post was due to being down in the dumps because whilst Henry is off from school for the summer holidays, I find it impossible to write as much as I want to; therefore, I resent writing much more during those times.

When Henry is out of the house I write, but I have to discipline myself to do it when he is out, that or practising my Italian – I know I should prioritise the writing, but for me, both are just as equally important. 

I have got it into my head now that whilst Henry is off from school, even if I write just one paragraph in the day towards my projects, it is progress and therefore I don’t believe I should be harsh on myself for how small the progress is; progress is progress, no matter how small!

But it is easy to fall into the whine trap, especially when you feel desperate to add those snippets you want to towards your work but can’t as it’s hard to concentrate with noise and arguments behind you!

I often find myself leaving the living room to go upstairs to cry, but these days I don’t have much chance to do that because Henry is becoming more controlling lately.  He is starting to follow me and he isn’t letting me have much time alone.  I understand why he is so clingy lately, but I need my space too!

I know that he knows I am unhappy and I want my own space to the extent I have discussed quite openly with Paul about the concept of me having another home.  What I mean is a place of my own, where I don’t necessarily live there all the time; I can’t fully abandon them!  Just somewhere I can go to get a break.  It’s likely I will only really use this alternative place as once or twice a week retreat to help me do my creative pursuits in an organised and happy place and unlikely I’ll sleep there; as I said before, I don’t like doing anything alone!

At the moment I can’t finance that, I am working on it; like I am working on many things, not just writing several novels to get into publication. 

I am working on my health, fitness, diet management.

I am studying really hard how to make movies or do screenwriting and setting up my own YouTube channel as well as entering an amateur dramatics and writing group.   

I am trying to get this house in order because it’s falling apart due to age and storm damage.

I am trying to manage the garden in between my neighbour going out, because he is still a problem.

I am trying to manage the problem of toxic people from my past trying to get involved in my life and online haters and it’s difficult, but it’s getting slowly solved.

I am trying so hard to heal mentally and get rid of the dark thoughts of suicide.

Amongst all of this I do know and fully understand that writing has little or no money unless I can make it big… this is a pie in the sky dream for every writer!

So, I am also trying to make a living outside of writing professionally.  I am currently self-studying affiliate programs, marketing and so forth – to help me with my other passion; art and also practising art too!

To top it all, I am trying hard to learn how to socialise in a non-weird awkward way, because I have been isolated for most of my life and have been wrongly taught that everyone is aggressive and out to hurt or use you.

I am also looking forward to next spring, when Paul reckons we can most definitely get a dog, a dog will help not only be my companion in the other place, when I get it – but it will also give me the confidence to go for walks alone and a purpose to wake up in the morning, just to walk it! 

So much I am trying to do and all at once, because my ultimate goal is to have a life.  I’ve not had one yet, really, just existed really, but not lived!

Yes, I feel spread thin, but it all needs to be done, because I can’t put any of it on a back bench, because then I won’t feel whole.  There will always be a hollow in me and I don’t like that… I need to feel complete.  I need to learn how to be happy and at peace.

I’ve not done that yet.  I’ve never ever experienced joy in the true sense of the word.  I don’t mean to sound tragic, but it’s true.  I don’t really care about financial success or fame; I care about feeling whole and happy.  That’s what I care for, that’s what I need!  To me that is what success is – success is living the life that makes you feel happy and whole, not what gives you the most material possessions and making strangers in awe of you.

That’s not my goal.

Remember, I am doing this alone, I have little to no support.

I just want happiness, love, and peace and to feel whole and most of all, I want to play! 

That’s all.

Happy reading!

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