I have never had much confidence in my abilities, let alone my abilities to understand things. My mother and other people from my past has always tried to make me doubt what I know, or what I think I know by suggesting that maybe I am more naïve than I realise?
That things are not how I see them.
Yet, since coming away from my mother and her influence, very slowly over the years I have realised who the naïve one was.
It has only really been in the past year or so that I have seen myself in a new light, as well as her.
I used to think my mother was so worldly, courageous and was very smart if not cunning. How wrong I was.
As I am growing away from her, I have realised how frightened she was, how vulnerable, how sheltered and very naïve she was, to the extent she was a danger to both herself and me.
I still don’t have much confidence in my abilities and it has only really been for about eighteen months now I have become very vocal (for me) on social media about what I think and feel about things and I have realised from other people, that I happen to be very switched on and smart.
Something that fills me with disbelief… me? Switched on and smart? That doesn’t feel right – I am not smart, what was it about what I have said that was smart?
Recently I had another surprise, another thing I push against for not being my reality, not being a truth that I recognised anyhow.
That is, that I am an influencer.
This made me laugh or rather LOL when I was told this on Twitter a few weeks back.
“Me? An influencer? How?”
It was a genuine question.
The fact that I have a blog that has existed for a while now and that I have over a thousand followers constitutes the fact that I am doing quite well as an online influencer apparently.
I was dumbstruck.
The person who told me this was even more dumbstruck as I was, that I didn’t even realise that I was one.
My immediate reaction was “but I haven’t set the YouTube channel up yet, to be any kind of influencer, it’s just me and my crappy blog”.
They were astounded I felt that way about my work – work of which I didn’t see as true work at all by the way!
They told me I have to take myself more seriously.
The conversation ended, I hadn’t entirely absorbed that conversation until now. It still, surprises me and then I sit back in confusion as to how I didn’t realise it in the first place and how naive and stupid I really am.
But then again, another person told me, that no – you are not naïve and stupid, you are just not educated about it all that’s all.
You took yourself for granted and now you know what you are, you can improve your brand.
But I am not a brand yet am I?
Apparently I am.
I’m not selling anything though.
But apparently this was hilarious and I am still confused as to what I am missing exactly?
I have a book from the library (that’s not new and I have multiple books from the library all the time) but this one is specific, based on those conversations – it’s called “Break the internet” by Olivia Yallop.
I don’t intend to break anything, but I want to see what is in this book to see what I have done unconsciously right and how to improve myself to reach a wider audience.
To say that so far I have blunder busted my way through blogging and influencing is an understatement, I am a true airhead who hasn’t the slightest idea what she’s doing nor what she’s done – but apparently it’s all good so – meh! *Insert Italian style shrug here*.
I worry that when I start knowing what I am doing, I will become boring and lose followers, lol.
Maybe that’s why you are all here; I am a true mix of tragedy and comedy all rolled into one – what will the silly bitch get up to next, eh?
Thanks for reading!