Daily Archives: January 28, 2023

Daily posts

I am probably going back to one blog post per day soon, unsure as of yet. I am struggling to do more and struggling with writing purely for the blog daily and I don’t want to break my streak as it is approaching nearly three hundred days unbroken postings.


There is a lot of negative stuff going on in my life right now and I am trying to maintain writing, reading, learning and keeping my shit together all at once and I am near to burn out – in fact, so much so, I am super sleepy lately and if I just sit back and rest for a moment I literally fall asleep and lose forty five minutes.

That’s how exhausted I am getting.


With this being said, I am struggling to exercise since a couple of weeks before Christmas, so my weight loss has slowed down. I am still attempting to lose weight, but I am just too tired to do the exercise right now.


I am really struggling on so many levels to keep my head above water emotionally.


I am trying to keep my shit together for Henry because his dad has now announced he too, is in a similar place mentally.
This is not something I need to hear on top of everything.


But I am trying to be as supportive as possible even though we are still definitely separating.


It is hard to keep a balance, especially as there are no emotional outlets, no emotional support anywhere for me – not even within the household now.


It’s getting very dense in here.

Also I some how managed to run my finger over with my desk so its a little inflamed.


Thank you for reading and hopefully understanding?

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About my poetry

This post is not about bragging.

But to those who will read it, no doubt you will have your suspicions that it is a sort of act of boasting.

However, it should be said.

No poem on this blog has ever been revised or made into second drafts etc. and no poem in this blog was pained over for hours on end.

There, said it.

Most of my poems are done in less than twenty five minutes, first draft, scheduled or published online immediately without a second thought and I can only recite one poem I have ever written.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

It’s one of those reasons why I am not a member of any poetic clubs; I am not welcomed because I can push out three to five poems an hour without aching over the words I should produce.

It just naturally flows.

I was astounded to find some poets online take weeks to finish a piece, I personally couldn’t do that and I think it goes to show who is more dedicated to their craft.  They are – I wouldn’t faff around like that over one poem.

I live for the current emotion, it is the current emotions that drive the poetry I don’t want to hang on most of those emotions for weeks on end, good Lord I really would commit suicide if that was the case and at the moment I am only tiptoeing at the edge of it.

It took me about an hour and a half to write one poem once, the longest ever.

I do delete poems never to share them, this happens about twice a week, so you’re losing around a hundred to a hundred and fifty per year, because I am embarrassed to share the depths of my emotions at times.

Sometimes I preschedule poems for months in advance whilst I think about deleting them – at the moment there are seven whose future is as obscure as mine.

Nobody believes I can write that fast until they see me in action, offline. 

Then they accuse me of boasting.

But they did challenge me!

I will sit there and ask them, pick a subject and I will think about it for two or three minutes, to get my mind into the zone of that subject and how I feel about it and then the words pour out and the poem is done within minutes.

I can write a poem about anything, so long as it doesn’t feel like a lie to my heart.  For example, I couldn’t write a poem which is supposed to be a love song for Hitler – I hate fascists!

So that’s not a poem I could write.

But I could write one about cutting his balls off and feeding them to him, no matter how disgraceful that would be and inelegant.

That’s not an invitation for requests by the way!

I find it hard to write more than three poems a day, though I have been known to do up to ten.

I try to force myself to do at least one per day, if I live to a hundred imagine a future publication of all my poetic works, how many volumes could that possibly be?

Thing is, I haven’t a clue what I am doing poetically.

I have never been formally educated about it, I can’t tell a poem from a rhyme to a sonnet etc. – for all I know they could be the same thing but fancy names!

I do know what a haiku is though and I used to write them.

In fact talking of sonnets, I have been seriously thinking about reading a book to learn about those.

One of my dreams is to be patient enough with my poetry that I could actually write a poem as long as Shakespeare, Christina Rossetti and Edmund Spenser.

I have often thought about creating a large poem which is a story like Edmund Spenser’s Fairy Queen – that would be amazing if I could do something like that.

That would take me months, could I do it on an emotional level? 

I have often thought about challenging myself to do it!

I originally wrote the first chapter of a fantasy story in rhyme, with that very intention; but I couldn’t hold it throughout the story – it’s still in progress after nine years, but I haven’t added a thing to the project since 2015.

It’s about gargoyles protecting the heart of a young maiden who lives in the house they protect.

It’s a dark fantasy and very macabre, it’s sort of like Edgar Allen Poe meets Hans Christian Andersen.

I have a couple of online friends who have made the suggestion that I should go on stage and read my poems out there, but I won’t do that.

Why?

Because hilariously as it sounds, I don’t actually regard myself a poet yet!

Yet this is probably what I am best known for.

At the moment I am having a very poetic night – I am thinking about poetry a lot and I am frustrated that a book I have ordered from EBay is two weeks late in the post and I had to put in a complaint about it.

I want to finish the book and do the essays in it to learn what I am doing.  Unfortunately the library is fed up with me re-borrowing that book, I’ve had it a total nine weeks this last borrowing session and it’s the second time in a year I did that, having it for about eighteen weeks in total for the whole year!

I wish it would come soon!

It’s where some of my poems I’ve posted on here has been inspired by, such as “Grief”, “Brent Cross Shopping Centre” and “Lessons from life”.

Anyway, if that’s bragging I apologise!

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under About my work

Snake in a tree

I am watched by a snake

He stalks me night and day

Watching from his tree

In the branches near where I play

He keeps on following me, everywhere, every way

Even in my dreams I cannot escape

He talks to my mind

I hear him quite clear

He tells me soon, that he’ll be near

But why does he want me?

This sly and cunning snake

Where will he take me? 

What thirst will I slake?

He tells me soon but also not yet

Why does he toy with me?

What plan has he set?

I am just a little dog

Who play by his tree

What is it that he wants?

Why does he want me?

I do not know

But I am scared

Because I feel stalked, will I be ensnared?

Is he a hunter and am I his prey?

How will the story end and in what way?

Is he a nice snake, or is he bad?

When I find out, I shall be glad

Because I feel strange being stalked by a snake

As I sit chewing toys right here by the lake

Why does he watch me?

And why does he say…

That soon he will come and take me away?

Away to where? 

Death and doom?

Or does he love me?  Will I know soon?

Oh clever snake, how appealing you are

But I can’t help but think

This is all bizarre

Do I trust that you will care

That you will love me, do you swear?

Or will I get bitten, like I have before

By other snakes who have bitten my paw?

I don’t know, but I like you a lot

But I don’t know if I can trust you or not

I’m a little dog, a puppy really

So to go with a snake, could be silly…

How will I know if I am safe with you?

Will you eat me? I have no clue!

But smiling happy snake, believe you me

I wish you would love and cherish me

I wish you’d wrap around me so

But then my life could up and go

Oh funny snake

It’s a puzzle really

Why you say, that you love me

Or are you just charming this little pup

So that you can feast upon her flesh and eat her all up?

Oh little snake, how I wish I knew

But I should go indoors now, before you chew

Though silly snake, I wish you were true

But for now I don’t know, I have no clue

Bye funny snake, I wish you well

But I have to go, before I fall under your spell

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Should I let go?

I’m on the edge of the world

Wil I fall?

I am holding onto life

Like a fool

I should just let go and let fate know

I can’t take much more!

I am bored of monotony

Everyone has forgotten me

There is no leverage to keep me going

In this lake of tears I keep rowing

Like a seamstress I keep sewing, a new life for me

But then things happen like tragedy

Like a wheel turning around and it’s trapped me

Like a hamster in its wheel going around and around

Like a dog trapped in a cage within a pound

All these words are exhausting me

I should let go

What exactly is holding me to want to stay?

There is no play

I have totally and utterly lost my way

And dribbling words upon this page

Like some demented poetic sage

Writing this inside her cage

Locked inside dreams that won’t come true

Wondering what the blazes to do

Just let go or live some more

Maybe someone will knock on the door

And I will leave this solemn place

And maybe find again my pride and grace?

Until then I am hanging off this cliff, wondering…

Should I let go?

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Filed under poetry