Doubtful future

This post has been a long time coming, but I held off thinking that things will improve – but no.  I am shocked by some things I have discovered today.

A lot of things going on behind my back.

I really need to get something off my chest – something heavy. 

If anyone really wants the best for me and to get to know me, please do not contact Paul about anything regarding me unless you are worried something bad has happened, OK?

It really isn’t a good idea, as there seems to be a lot of bitterness coming from him lately.  I know he will read this and I am expecting ramifications for it, but – just needed to get it out there.

The bitterness is affecting even the relationship with my son and my son has told me something recently and let’s just says I was shocked – very shocked, I never thought Paul was capable of saying things like that to anyone!  It’s just getting too tense no for me here! 

I don’t like to put my arguments online with anyone, but Paul is doing it behind my back so I have my side to tell too, but I won’t put it online – not all the nitty gritty like he seems happy to. 

I really do recommend emailing me or privately DM-ing me because I am being watched like a hawk these days. TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

I have no outlet, I have no one who talks to me regularly in private, I have no way in getting things off my hcest and I have no support system whatsoever.  Paul has.

So I am very alone in this and my story is not being heard properly. 

I have no family but Henry. I have a penpal but I can’t rely on her. There are two aunts I talk to from time to time and the only person I could turn to lives too far away to help and is a bit of a zealot. Other people live abroad, one I trust is in rehab.

Also Paul doesn’t have a day job, like he tells people he does!  You can’t take much at face value from him, sorry – now I sound vitriolic, but I live with him, you don’t!

I am in a very stuck and awkward situation, I can’t move out – there are issues as to why, debt being the major factor and health being another. 

I am on very shaky ground right now – I have no security and no outlet and no one to turn to – it’s very serious.

Anything can happen good or bad.  I don’t like being this vulnerable.  But this needs to be said.

I am very frightened on an emotional and a home security level right now – physical safety is assured, but I am very mentally vulnerable right now.

I just can’t see a way out of things at this moment in time.  I never saw Paul as toxic until recently, his behaviour is unwarranted because he is the one who rejected me, not vice versa.  He is being grossly unfair and this is why in the past two or three weeks I have been very open about what is going on between us.

Because I felt, he is getting the bad stuff out there about me, but no one is hearing my side. 

I think he felt too comfortable that he could get rid of me when he wanted, when it fell flat on its face he thought he could just turn back to me like nothing happened.  I would have been glad to have stayed in his life, if he had of been in the open relationship and told her it was open – but he chose to be vanilla with her and dump me.  That’s not forgivable.  Not when we lived together for years under the notion we will be secure with each other for as long as we need each other and potentially life long. 

I tolerated a lot of discomfort for the idea of a good solid and secure relationship for the trust to be broken over a whim of someone he met online but never met off it; Breaking up with me before he even saw the woman physically. 

Am I unreasonable?

I don’t think so.

That hurt me. 

His behaviour has changed dramatically, he talks to me like he is talking to Henry now and he has never sworn before, but he is sometimes losing his cool and starting to throw in the odd cuss now and again.  It’s not a pleasant environment. 

It’s affecting the whole house not just me – nobody can talk to each other much anymore because of the atmosphere.  I am a live and let live type, I plodder on doing what I always do and try to ignore things.  But it’s getting tense here, because he is in a permanent bad mood, throwing his weight around and finding civility awkward.  I am shutting myself in my room because of it, because I feel unwanted and because it’s cold. 

I need a drastic change in my life and fast. 

Thanks for reading.

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