Daily Archives: January 19, 2023

Doubtful future

This post has been a long time coming, but I held off thinking that things will improve – but no.  I am shocked by some things I have discovered today.

A lot of things going on behind my back.

I really need to get something off my chest – something heavy. 

If anyone really wants the best for me and to get to know me, please do not contact Paul about anything regarding me unless you are worried something bad has happened, OK?

It really isn’t a good idea, as there seems to be a lot of bitterness coming from him lately.  I know he will read this and I am expecting ramifications for it, but – just needed to get it out there.

The bitterness is affecting even the relationship with my son and my son has told me something recently and let’s just says I was shocked – very shocked, I never thought Paul was capable of saying things like that to anyone!  It’s just getting too tense no for me here! 

I don’t like to put my arguments online with anyone, but Paul is doing it behind my back so I have my side to tell too, but I won’t put it online – not all the nitty gritty like he seems happy to. 

I really do recommend emailing me or privately DM-ing me because I am being watched like a hawk these days. TheTardyCreative@gmail.com

I have no outlet, I have no one who talks to me regularly in private, I have no way in getting things off my hcest and I have no support system whatsoever.  Paul has.

So I am very alone in this and my story is not being heard properly. 

I have no family but Henry. I have a penpal but I can’t rely on her. There are two aunts I talk to from time to time and the only person I could turn to lives too far away to help and is a bit of a zealot. Other people live abroad, one I trust is in rehab.

Also Paul doesn’t have a day job, like he tells people he does!  You can’t take much at face value from him, sorry – now I sound vitriolic, but I live with him, you don’t!

I am in a very stuck and awkward situation, I can’t move out – there are issues as to why, debt being the major factor and health being another. 

I am on very shaky ground right now – I have no security and no outlet and no one to turn to – it’s very serious.

Anything can happen good or bad.  I don’t like being this vulnerable.  But this needs to be said.

I am very frightened on an emotional and a home security level right now – physical safety is assured, but I am very mentally vulnerable right now.

I just can’t see a way out of things at this moment in time.  I never saw Paul as toxic until recently, his behaviour is unwarranted because he is the one who rejected me, not vice versa.  He is being grossly unfair and this is why in the past two or three weeks I have been very open about what is going on between us.

Because I felt, he is getting the bad stuff out there about me, but no one is hearing my side. 

I think he felt too comfortable that he could get rid of me when he wanted, when it fell flat on its face he thought he could just turn back to me like nothing happened.  I would have been glad to have stayed in his life, if he had of been in the open relationship and told her it was open – but he chose to be vanilla with her and dump me.  That’s not forgivable.  Not when we lived together for years under the notion we will be secure with each other for as long as we need each other and potentially life long. 

I tolerated a lot of discomfort for the idea of a good solid and secure relationship for the trust to be broken over a whim of someone he met online but never met off it; Breaking up with me before he even saw the woman physically. 

Am I unreasonable?

I don’t think so.

That hurt me. 

His behaviour has changed dramatically, he talks to me like he is talking to Henry now and he has never sworn before, but he is sometimes losing his cool and starting to throw in the odd cuss now and again.  It’s not a pleasant environment. 

It’s affecting the whole house not just me – nobody can talk to each other much anymore because of the atmosphere.  I am a live and let live type, I plodder on doing what I always do and try to ignore things.  But it’s getting tense here, because he is in a permanent bad mood, throwing his weight around and finding civility awkward.  I am shutting myself in my room because of it, because I feel unwanted and because it’s cold. 

I need a drastic change in my life and fast. 

Thanks for reading.

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Filed under Home and Family

That is that

So there it is, it is final?

Perhaps your feelings were always fake, like vinyl?

So now I know what’s in store for me

Now I won’t ever be free

So what is life going to do to me?

Come on tell me, what do you see?

I was wanted and then suddenly not

You have power but you’ve forgot

Now the winter is closing in

Drowning me out and drowning within

So carefully you thought and chose

But attempted not, because of the woe

I am complicated, why would you want that?

So I will be gone soon, and that is that.

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Filed under poetry

Horror discrimination

One thing I have found very true about being a blogging author is that there is a lot of discrimination about horror writers.

You write poetry, fantasy and other things, even lifestyle things and your blog has a healthy flow of new followers daily and you grow and grow and no sooner had you mentioned just the once about going back into horror, you lose twenty to fifty overnight and you are left stumped as to why?  Until you realise what you have done.

This has happened to me the other day.

I am not complaining because I have made it abundantly clear in several of my previous posts that I was first and foremost a horror author who lost her mojo and was always endeavouring to rediscover it.

You wouldn’t have me as an author if it wasn’t for horror, that’s how I started out.  Ten years old writing the goriest stories I could muster to the extent a proud English teacher at school wrote to my parents about my amazing writing talent and how gory it is for a child and whether or not they knew I wrote such ghastly things?

They said that they did and they were thoroughly open about me watching horror movies since I was five years old!

I stand by what I’ve said – horror is still in me and although currently I have more fantasy projects than horror ones, you must expect horror to pop out now and again because it’s a large part of who I am.  In social media I have joined several online fan clubs specifically in the horror genre, it’s me – sorry!

I have even made a couple of celebrity friends who are pretty big in the horror industry and no, I won’t drop their names!  I don’t do things like that! 

But they are very supportive of my work and one of them likes to cajole me every few weeks and remind me not to forget my original genre and that I scare them to death at times!

From March my finances will stabilise hugely, especially when I can get my online business starting off.  This means I can do a lifelong dream of going to Horror Con, Comic con and Fantasy con events some day!  Wonderful, it’s very exciting I could practically live at those places from what I have seen of them!

But to stop reading my blog because I mention horror on a one off is a bit drastic in my opinion.

But never mind.

Thanks for reading! 

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Filed under About my work

Puzzling techy stuff

I wasted nearly two hours last night trying to create a new blog for free on WordPress, here thinking it would be as easy as setting up my current blog – it isn’t.  I found out my current theme is outdated and no longer available, I skimmed through about thirty other themes and they are too complicated for me!

Not easy to set up and control pages or colour scheme or do pictures, I make a post and its vanished from the face of the Earth to goodness knows where and then I find it everywhere and then I can’t find it again when I go looking.

I don’t understand the need for things to be so complicated!

I wanted another blog separate to this so I could become even more personal about my past and other things without it tarnishing my creative aspects of this blog or my transition and motivational aspects.

A few months I did try and suggest you can find another blog at blogger, but nobody transitioned to it and I had it up for a week and was actively daily.  When I saw nobody was even clicking on my content I wondered what the point was in having it?

I have regular emails from people who are curious about learning more about my past in more depths, so I thought trying to open up another WordPress site would be good – I have to say I am frustrated and have given up again for the second time in four months!

I didn’t want this blog to get more profound about my past, because there are sensitive people who read it and I notice I lose followers when things get too dark!

I did originally start this blog as a short story blog or writing snippets and sneak peaks of my work, but then it moved onto a therapy thing for me I actually didn’t mean for it to become a method of creative promotion.

I had planned to do another blog later on when I had something cooking at the publishers – but never meant to really do it here.  But it turned out that way over a time.

I also never took poetry seriously even at the beginning of the blogs life – I did a few tongue in cheek poems in a year, but never realised it would take over like it had and that short stories would become non-existant and deleted like now.

I had thought about making the more personal stuff part of the subscription offer, in order to keep it away from more sensitive eyes – but again – there is the learning of the technological aspect of it to get around and I am not very tech smart and I find learning about it boring and I find trying to do new techy things incredibly irritating and it makes me a bit… you know… I suppose aggressive because I feel like an idiot.

What is worse is I have had patient people try to teach me online how to do things, but I am so thick it doesn’t sink in!

But I really need to talk more about my past and that as I need to get things behind me and the only way I can do that is by sharing.

I don’t want to adversely affect my current followers by bringing in even more darkness to the blog.

I had thought about creating a new page for it, but I don’t know how I can make it update there without it coming up on the home page latest section, if you get me?

It’s all rather puzzling for me.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work