I don’t know what to write lately, so it has me thinking about going back to my old way of doing “Morning pages” to get myself out of this rut, writing random things for three pages; though not in long hand because writing more than half a page a time sets my arthritis off real bad.
I am getting into a rut of mindlessness.
I am becoming apathetic even with my imagination lately; because I think my emotions are literally eating me up, like a monster from the deep blue abyss as I lazily float on the water doing nothing.
I am lying to myself a lot about being productive in doing other things though, but it is lies nonetheless.
What are those supposedly productive things I have lied to myself about?
Learning how to read the reversals and blockage positions of tarot cards and other types of spreads!
Checking out other people’s blogs or Pinterest boards, usually with the intent to find inspiration for my art or writing, but instead end up looking at the fashion pages or recipes.
Staring at homes wanted for local puppies in resentment that these people have dogs they don’t want and I don’t have a dog but want one.
Reading motivational posts and memes and resenting people being in their happy space, whilst I am still in my apathy and depression… I’m becoming a bad sport as time goes on and that’s totally not like me, I have started to see myself becoming bitter and sour whereas I used to be genuinely happy for other people.
I think I am turning into one of those bitter and sour spinsters you see in Victorian dramas and that scares me as I have never wanted to be like that!
I have even heard myself talking like them lately. Someone tells me that they are ecstatically happy about something happening in their lives and I have heard myself say under my breath “it won’t last”. I don’t know what’s got into me, but I am becoming mean.
When someone compliments me or is nice to me I am actually questioning why they did that and why would they want to?
I always thank them and tell them that they are sweet, but I do question their sanity at the same time and I won’t forget to tell them that they are an unusual spark in the world and that they shouldn’t let other people change them, but no doubt the world will, like they did with me.
It’s tragic but true and it’s scary!
I am still playful at times and I try to feign happiness and motivation – but it’s getting harder. Several times this week I have said something uplifting to Paul, to find him blank and unresponsive and I wonder why I bothered at all to lighten the atmosphere, so I walk off and depression seeps in again!
It’s sad to know I have come to this, because only ten years ago I remember being complimented by a neighbour about how vibrant and happy my house is how I particularly seem to be so positive and laugh at the smallest thing and how I put a smile on their face every day they see or hear me.
How the other neighbours agree with them that this is a happy house that people like to walk past because of a beautiful wildlife garden full of life and hearing the almost constant laughter coming from the opened windows in the summer.
Paul has mentioned the neighbours are concerned about me as they don’t hear me anymore, it’s like I’ve vanished, like I am not here anymore, some have offered to pop in to see me – but Paul tells them it’s best not to – so I asked him why he did that? He never answers.
I am so different these days and I don’t like it.
Who am I?
Thanks for reading…