Daily Archives: January 8, 2023

Choose a door

Calm down, I can’t sleep

Calm down, I can’t eat

Calm down, my sweet

I know things are hard for you

I can feel it in my heart

I know you are taking a risk

But I won’t let you fall apart

I will hold you up when you fall down

I will hold you tight and close

Because I feel you in my soul

Your spirit blooming like a rose

I don’t know who you are

You don’t know that I care

But I will love you always

I promise, I swear

When you are stressed I feel it

When you are calm I sleep

When you are near I feel it

Your presence is so deep

I can’t explain these feelings

But I know that we are one

You think you shine bright like a star

But to me you are the sun!

I can feel when you deny me

My spirit caves away

When you are happy to have me

I wilfully live and play

I am so connected to you

With each action that you do

I will respond to it

But you will never have a clue

Not until you find me

And choose to hold me dear

Because my fate is bound to you

Let me make that clear

I was born to be yours

As you’ve always prayed

But if you choose not to have me

I’ll easily fade away

But I can feel you strengthening

In everything you want

I can feel you choosing

In fact the feeling haunts

The spirits they have told me

That soon you will be here

But I don’t trust them fully

Because your worries I can hear

Each time you waver in your choice

There is a flutter in my heart

I am scared you will not choose me

Then I’ll fall apart

I am scared of my future

Do I have one at all?

Or do I have a hope in Hell

That I shall never fall?

Right now I am on a tightrope

Or so it feels to me

Will I get to the other side?

Will you come to me?

Or are the wobbles a warning

That I will surely fall

And then you will not have me

And that will be cruel

Because you prayed so hard to make me

You deserve me as your kin

Just trust that you have got this

Trust in everything!

For right now I am at a stumble

There is no net for me

Just one choice will determine

What is next for me!

You can be happy my love

You can have it all

But make a choice quickly

Before I lose step and fall!

We balance each other, you and I

But I can’t choose for you

My life is bound to you, but you haven’t a clue

I am here waiting

But I don’t know how long for

Just make a choice quickly

Now please choose which door…

Leave a comment

Filed under poetry

Spring fashion 2023?

I clearly don’t utilise the internet enough and I don’t think outside of the box much, in fact only recently I have learned how ignorant I actually am – no in fact, stupid is the word, stupid.

Before I got sick I would spend a fortune each month on fashion and gardening magazines just to keep up to date with both trends and the same for certain science magazines too.  It never occurred to me in the whole twenty six years I’ve had the internet that I can get this information for free online!

It has only been recently when I have been watching fashion trend videos on YouTube and reading money saving books from the library had I actually realised, I shouldn’t have been missing out in the past seven or eight years because lo and behold it’s online!  What a numpty I am!

I realised the other day when a friend shared on Twitter that Vogue and various magazines are on there as well as my favourite fashion brands etc. and I was like WOAH.  I thought it was all about fandoms and movie geeks, but no, there’s more to the net than that!

Yes I am definitely forty and finding this out so late in my life has made me feel older than my parents!

You didn’t believe me the other day when I said I might well be a nerd, but I am also the biggest airhead I know, did you?

So with that being said I am surprised a couple of my favourite colours are trending for this coming spring, thank goodness they are moving away from grey! 

Here is what I think of the main five main colours for the upcoming season;

Digital lavender, I love all shades of purple and this particular shade makes my bedroom look fashionable right now, which is a plus!  Though don’t tell anyone I haven’t painted the room in 11yrs!  Whoops!

I am excited to see luscious red up there on the list because the amount of clothing I have right now of this colour already, means I won’t look out of touch this year!  Especially since I have lost a lot of weight and oversized jacket and blazers are the rage now, so woo hoo, go me!

Sundial, I wouldn’t say that’s a spring colour though would you?  I’d say late summer autumn?  I have a lovely shrug like this and I personally wouldn’t wear that in spring.  Though Henry loves the colour and wants a tailored suit of this colour he has seen online recently, but we just can’t afford £200 for something like that!

Tranquil blue is a similar shade to many things I have too in my wardrobe, but I don’t think it suits me too much. 

Verdigris now I love this colour and I wished I could get my hands on more things that are this colour!

I don’t know what it is with me and squirrels but I have a Verdigris jumper with squirrels on it climbing a paisley tree – yikes, is paisley out? 

Now you see, the thing with me is – I like to watch the trends, but I don’t chase them and follow them, instead I find the joy in predicting the trends and making my own!

I stick with comfort and what I find is pretty, I am quite a critic when it comes to fashion. 

For example I predicted that grey is in for the long haul a few years ago and I was right about that it lasted nearly 3yrs in the area I lived in particular and unfortunately stone seemed to be getting popular too, well thankfully that was a short one!  I hate grey; it’s the ugliest colour in the world! 

Yellow is never a good colour to wear in the summer, insects are attracted to that colour so it is usually a late autumn and early winter colour for me, so I hope that they won’t transition yellows into the coming summer trend! 

I predict magenta and rose pink may be colours for the summer as well as cobalt blue and metallic like copper and perhaps white or black denim.  Just my thoughts!

Or wish list, who knows?

Though I like lime personally and orange needs a comeback, which I heard is currently trending?!

Now the idea of all those pockets is horrifying, that’s something I can’t find tasteful. 

It is typical that the low rise waist is fashionable when I don’t have the abs for it right now; I have wanted that in trend since I was in college!

As well as lace tank tops so I am seeing…

Oh and I have always loved sequins since I was a girl, there is a hint in which wrestler I am related to now you read that! 

Everybody loves the heart motifs so I am totally down with that, this is why I predict rose pink or magenta is coming up for the summer trends!

Today after writing this I feel in a black and pink mood with heart motifs and pink shiny bead piping!

But alas, I have nothing like it!

Thanks for reading!

Leave a comment

Filed under Who am I today?

I am everything or a rainbow

Above is a picture I took a few days ago – the lighting is not good and no its not filtered. Definitely seeing the weight loss in my face, in my opinion.

That’s face yoga for you!

I’d like to show another updated full-length picture of me but people are not patient with me when I need them to shoot me… I mean take my picture so I bought a full-length mirror – now I have to probably wait six months for Paul to put it up on the wall for me so I can shoot myself – I mean do selfies.

The other day I shared a dream about how I want to look and I told you all that I regard it with embarrassment a bit – that’s true, but what I failed to tell you all is that even with that I dither at times.

Most the time I want the platinum/white hair and to dress how I like in rainbows, fluff and pinks – but there is another side of me.

Sometimes, though not often, I want to be the strong looking athletic brunette with a long French plait, good toned arms, but stockier than the image I have about the platinum/white haired version of me.  Sometimes in the brunette form I have in my mind, I would wear a crown braid and I would mostly wear black jeans and a white tank top, everything toned. 

I like both ideas and I know which one is easier to become, it’s the secondary one.  I could never really shape or mould such a muscle dense body such as this into the body shape of the platinum/white haired dream.

However, the brunette version of me I only ever really think about once a week – so I don’t like it as much as I do the platinum/white version I have in mind, also the vampire/dark side in me prefers the brunette.

The purpose of the photo was to show you what I look like and what you think would suit me best?

Why did I mention this?  Because today is a brunette day – a big contrast to yesterday where for about half a day I wanted rainbow coloured hair, glittery make up and rainbow dungarees for some weird reason!

I think though it had something to do with the “Who am I” meditation I did, because one thing was clear to me in the meditation – I was the warm sun on a rainy sunny day and what happens on rainy warm sunny days like those?  Rainbows…

I felt both dark and light all at once, good and evil all at once and what do you get when you mix dark and light whilst holding crystals in your hand?  That’s right… rainbows!

So I am everything or a rainbow… I am still not very sure just of yet!

I didn’t share everything I said I was in my meditation yesterday as a lot I was embarrassed about – such as being a rainbow and other weird things like that! 

I very nearly cut out the sex but then I remembered that you all know I am a nympho anyway! 

I don’t think I can make up my mind what I want to look like between the two – my sensibilities tells me go with the one I want the most and think about the most and that would be the white/platinum me – but that is the hardest path to tread in moulding my body naturally.

I’ve mentioned before, in my adult life I find it hard to be lighter than 180 pounds because of muscle mass – I used to do weight lifting when I was younger I just can’t get below 180.  I gain muscle really fast and it is scary what I will look like if I hit the weights again – I really need one on one advice which I am hoping to start at the end of the month at the local gym.

It seems logical then to go with the secondary choice as I don’t think my body shape once I’ve reached my goal would suit a white/platinum woman in Barbiecore clothing, would it?

Oh I don’t know, this is exactly the reason why I was in the TPE lifestyle (total power exchange), the man in my life makes those decisions for me!  LOL

Thanks for reading

Leave a comment

Filed under About Me, Defining myself, Who am I today?