It may have been a long remission between Easter and last week, because for the past few days I have been sleeping a lot and finding things a little difficult again.
My immune system has taken a massive hit and I feel like I have influenza but there is no temperature and not much else of the normal flu like symptoms. The brain fog is coming back, the depression is hitting hard again and then the washing machine breaks down two days ago and it needs replacing.
The asthma has got a bit worse too, but it’s the feeling that I am turning into stone or lead I can’t get over – every limb feels weighted.
Very sleepy is not a good description really – I kind of feel like I am going into a hibernation period, if you get my drift? But what is weird about that is the fact that I can’t seem to sleep at night.
My appetite has stayed much the same, not eating much at all, so the idea of gaining weight over Christmas is silly as I seem to be losing up to two pounds a week still or not moving on the scales at all.
I found a local gym for £8.75 a week membership, I can afford that with my personal allowance and I will be signing up for the membership around the end of January, to help me tone up – my upper arms in particular as they are the only things which don’t seem to be doing what the rest of my body is doing… losing inches and toning up. They are a good gym to go to because they specialise in helping people who have long-term health problems or are morbidly obese, which I need because I have asthma and a couple of auto-immune problems, one of which is rheumatic arthritis.
It’s exciting to note that I have lost ninety six pounds over a year now without much effort, now let’s take it up a huge notch! I am not that far off from my goal weight and with this gym membership I should reach my goal weight before July with any luck – at least I haven’t been on the morbidly obese scale for a while now- In fact I remember a time where I was a horrifying 56 on the BMI scale that was nearly two years ago! No, this wasn’t the reason I was bedbound either, the bedbound came first and this kind of obesity was caused by that!
How did I manage that?
I was a highly active person who walked an average of nine miles a day amongst lots of other exercises and physical activities, needing to eat an average of four thousand calories a day just to sustain myself or collapse – to becoming a severely ill and bedbound person literally overnight, but never readjusted my diet, until three years later when it dawned on me what the heck I was doing!
I had such spleen pain and constant chest infections for nearly eight years solid, the amount of times I was diagnosed with pneumonia too, I couldn’t move because the spleen was too swollen and I was literally advised to do nothing in case it ruptured! NHS overstretched before covid even existed and so operating wasn’t an option given to me!
Especially as I was eating my feelings when the depression stepped in, meaning I was over doing food on a massive scale for someone who was extremely sedentary!
It wasn’t until around three years ago that I realised when I am having an angry or a depressing day, I go to food again for comfort, I realised this is a base instinct we all have; why? Because as animals we would take our anger and frustrations out on other animals and bite them and attack them, but as humans have learned to civilise ourselves somewhat we suppress our anger and food is the substitute for the primordial release for biting!
So when you feel depressed, sad or angry get yourself chewing gum – believe me, it works – only I find it hard to have gum these days because most of it contains soy and soy is really bad for my spleen issue.
Around four years ago was the time I had a completely free from diet, no eggs, no gluten, no lactose, no soy and a mostly paleo diet. This helped a lot with the breathing problems and the swollen spleen, eventually I learned that I could eat almost anything without pain but there was something still off – occasionally my spleen would swell again and it took until earlier this year to find out what was doing it… mustard and soy.
Now I am not on a free from diet anymore, but I have to avoid soy and mustard, or the spleen swells up again and my asthma has a bad day – unfortunately most of my favourite foods contain them, as I especially love mustard! So suffering is a choice now – which I don’t choose often!
Not a lot of people who are recently acquainted with me take me seriously about how much I understand nutrition and exercise since they’ve always known me to be this size. But in actuality, I am really switched on, because I used to be very athletic and I can name in approximation the calorie worth and nutritional value of most foods.
But for some people they can’t understand that if you know all of this, then why did you allow yourself to get so fat?
Because if you live a certain lifestyle for too long, then you become ill where the physical aspect changes but not the food – you can see how this is easily done. But people will be people and some people are morons and don’t use their head on this kind of stuff!
I remember a time where my doctor suggested my diet was too healthy, too low on salt, too low on fats and too low on calories, that I was blacking out three times a week on average and going into severe full bodied cramps. Because of lack of electrolytes as I didn’t add salt to anything and I had a low fat diet which was mostly vegetable based. I remember having to keep a food diary constantly and keep every nutrient in mind and I remember having to rush out to McDonalds at random times throughout the week to get the high fat, high salt and calorific food I needed because I didn’t have time or the wherewithal to eat a large meal, so I had to opt for big macs as a dietary supplement. A weird contrast to my life now!
No, I do not miss it, because I didn’t enjoy having to do those things – what I do miss is the health and fitness I used to have and the energy I had as well as the body.
In the future, I am hoping to get all that back again, only this time I am going to be smarter, no big mac supplements anymore – I have a weight lifting professional friend who had the same problem, only she supplements the low salt problem not with crisps and salted fries or peanuts, like I did – but as adding rehydration salts to every bottle of water she drinks!
At the time I knew I was a protein type metabolism but I didn’t fully understand it as much as I do now and I never knew you could get really nice protein drinks to get what you need in per day. I was literally trying to stuff down copious amounts of chicken and fish every day into my system – another thing which will change in the future.
You see, back in the good old days of when I was active, I was active alone and without a fitness network, so I was literally clueless and often had stomach ache and a bulimic reaction to the food I needed to eat.
You live, you learn.
Paul and I are still living together but we are separated, still he is trying to support me the best he can with the diet I need. He has told me that our finances are better than we used to have as we are now being supplemented now he is retired, which means I can see the doctor more often and the diet can improve slightly.
In March my own personal finances will have doubled for me, which means I could also supplement myself too – so I should be losing the weight much faster soon. I will get back on it all after Christmas, properly.
Calorie, protein and nutritional monitoring that is, as well as signing up for the local gym classes!
My self-employment should be kicking off around March too, so hopefully I will earn enough to consider moving out of Paul’s by the end of summer, maybe – who know? I can’t see me living alone to be honest, but there you go!
I don’t do New Years resolutions, so please don’t take all of this as that!
My second biggest dream right now is to rediscover my inner pride and vanity!
When I was healthy and fit, there were a lot of people who said all I needed to do was dye my hair blond and get a Chihuahua and I’d be like Paris Hilton in my style! I was offended, because what’s wrong with a brunette? Though I like the idea of platinum hair!
Though maybe they were just on about how much I love pink and fluffies?
My first biggest ever dream I’ve had forever now, is to find someone who genuinely loves me and wants to keep me, build a family with me, push me to be the best that I can be and we motivate each other like live in life coaches! Along with this the person has to tolerate that I can be suffocating with how I love them and hands on with them, because I am just like that! I am like Elmira from Looney Tunes – but they also have to tolerate eccentricities, daydreams and creative pursuits as it’s all a huge part of who I am! Please also, the person must understand I am very childish – I am overly playful and I am not too responsible really. I am such a hedonist to be honest!
My third ever dream is not what you think it is either… nope… no, it’s not really anything to do with my stories or art – it’s having a great home and social life.
The stories becoming movies is really a fourth dream… shock horror… I know!
I kind of kept that a secret as I kind of wore this with shame for a while – but I am starting to release the true me and I have to be honest with you as much as myself now, don’t I?
I feel bad admitting that actually.
I am still writing, don’t fret! I am just not all that bothered in giving boring details about word count anymore, because nobody really cares enough to comment unless they are a troll who moans about how often I update word counts!
But meh – I always lacked structure anyway, I say I intend to write one novel but I end up writing a little towards twenty and so…. I am learning to become at peace with me and the way I am… so should you!
But project AD and the Easter project are the main focuses for me right now, even if I only write about twice a week on both of them – at least its progress! You have to remember I have lots of other projects on the go too!
I know lots of people are eager to get their hands on project AD and this is why I am writing this as fast as I can, because I know there are a lot of people in waiting over it.
I just got to get it out there anyway, because it’s a great story and I am very excited for it. I am seeing merchandise in my head already; it will be a great new toy brand in my opinion as it is a dystopian comedy for kids.
But the Easter project is also gripping me a lot too with so many amazing ideas I am literally bursting to share them with someone but scared I’d shoot myself in the foot if I did!
So that’s what’s happening in my life right now.
Thanks for reading!