Trying to wake myself up from this sleepwalk from life, get back into semi-normality at least because I am starting to lose my identity a bit – no a lot.
Up until six months ago, I might not have done much with my life due to sickness, but I did things regularly and daily – since September, most of my regular daily habits have dropped totally!
The good ones that is, a lot of the bad ones have been dropped too – which is a good thing!
I no longer drink two litres of caffeinated sodas a day like I used to, but I do still drink them occasionally, in fact it’s dropped to a litre every two weeks, which in my mind is excellent – yes I did go cold turkey on that for a while and it worked, but I do miss it as an occasional treat and went back to buying a litre bottle every two weeks.
The potato snacks have also dropped hugely, still a regular habit, but at least it’s not a disgusting three to yes, shockingly sometimes six bags a day anymore! Yes, crisps were always my biggest vice since I was a kid!
But the good things that made me productive daily have dropped and I feel really bad about it, so today I am trying really hard to force myself to get back into them again.
Reading thirty pages of something a day.
Practising even If it’s just a five minute lesson on Duo Lingo French or Italian per day!
Writing at least five hundred words per day to a novel!
Researching or looking for inspiration and keeping up to date with relevant genre news for ninety minutes per day!
Practising drawings for an hour a day!
Daydreaming for my stories at least ten minutes an hour throughout the day!
All those things were regular habits I had daily, but for some reason or another since September the desire to do any of them seems to have gone and I have gone into a state of severe apathy.
I have replaced what I did do, with things that don’t make me feel like I am valuing my time – things such as studying tarot cards as my grandmother never taught me that no card is an island and that you get things such as blocked cards and different spreads and don’t forget not all reversals are really reversed in their meanings.
I have made more effort with my appearance and being mindful about the kind of nutrition I am putting in my body for the first time in years.
I am staring into nothingness, but I don’t call that meditation, because I am not relaxed, I am finding myself having a lot of emotional blips and being tearful and I don’t really understand why – but I am starting to get shy even around the family now. Putting up hoodies and avoiding people.
I am becoming much more withdrawn, the most difficult time of the day for me is sitting with the family at the dinner table to eat – because as soon as someone says something negative I get a lurch in my stomach and I can’t finish the meal. I am under eating, though I am dieting – it’s not ideal how little I am actually eating!
I have even asked Paul to perhaps consider a separate meal time for me, just so I get to eat properly, but it really isn’t convenient for any of us to do that!
I am feeling trapped and it’s making me become a little snippy with Paul in particular lately and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t help it! I think it’s because I know what’s going through his head, we’ve separated but still living together and none of us really wants to be around each other anymore. Though saying that, Paul is starting to come and sit close to me a lot lately, even if he isn’t talking to me – this is something he has never done throughout the whole of our relationship. I know that sounds odd, but he has never been the type to actually sit next to me, even when we we’re OK with each other – because he has always been too fond of his laptop.
The other day I was so shocked by this unusual behaviour I looked at him in the eyes and said “You’re sitting next to me”? He smiled and said that he knew – I then said “you smiled, are you feeling OK?” because honestly, Paul doesn’t do that much either!
He just nodded and smiled wider… freaky…
Honestly if you knew him you’d be freaked out too!
So today I am trying to wake myself out of this sleepwalk in life.
Though I sometimes wonder about this writing habit… I know in September we got news our finances are going to be much worse and we can’t afford ink for the printer and I tend to print everything I write and look at the papers multi-tasking whilst I write, which I can’t do anymore because of funds. So I try to keep lots of tabs opened to keep peeping at folders from my cloud, but it’s irritating as it means I am staring at screens more than I want to and it’s making me tired faster.
I know it sounds like an excuse, but paper helps me be more productive – maybe that’s the factor here – but it doesn’t explain why all the other habits have dropped!
Talking of which, Paul admitted an underestimate of our financial capabilities, I have now learned we will be better than we thought, in fact our diet can improve very slightly and we can now afford to go out once a week via taxi or bus now, which will mean there is transport money for me to see doctors if I need them now.
Thanks for reading!