Daily Archives: December 4, 2022

Writing & glowing

I am living in nothing but coincidences and synchronicities lately and its making me feel like I am losing my marbles!

I spoke with a friend last night about how I really should get back into writing my novel again because it’s been awhile since I picked up the pen or typed away at my laptop towards a substantial project outside of blogging; then I decided when I woke up today that I was going to write towards my project AD and I managed to get down approximately 1200 words.

Where does the synchronicity lie in that? 

Well, about an hour after I had done that writing I decided I would go on YouTube and watch a weekly reading from one of my favourite YouTubers and she said that this week I am working towards unblocking a big aspect of my life, I am moving forwards whereas before I had a long hiatus and that the cards indicated a lot of wands and page energy in the future, which means a lot of childish, playful and creative energy – and in the past aspect of the reading there was a lot of cups and swords in the reading, which indicated a lot of arguments and emotional turmoil.

This is one of the major reasons why I stopped writing for a while as there was a lot of emotional upset in the family and a lot of arguments and losses; also I have been under eating and under sleeping a lot lately.

On a good day I get five hours sleep without naps and I am eating 1300 calories – those are good days!  My average day looks a lot like 3 hours sleep with two 25 minute naps and 900 calories.

What concerns Paul is my body isn’t going into starvation mode anymore, I am constantly icy cold even with the heating on and I am still losing a steady two pounds a week.

Because of the lack of sleep, I haven’t exercised in nearly 10 days now and I have to say, it has bought back the depression big time!

When I do finally sleep, I wake up with a start because I have heard someone shout my name or shove the bed, only to find there is nothing there.  Or I have woken up because of a nightmare; I am often waking up startled!

I sometimes wonder if it’s because I am meditating a lot lately and not eating enough to stay grounded.  Other practitioners have thought this about me, but you know – I am not so sure, I’ve never eaten after meditation in the past and was fine back then.

Though I think Henry is developing clairvoyant abilities since starting puberty, because he claimed he saw me glowing gold when I was using reiki on his twisted ankle the other day!

He said he never believed in all my magic talk until he saw that and he said “Wow, you really are magical ma”!  I am proud; he actually saw the golden glow I was using to heal his ankle!

When I stopped healing his ankle he was disappointed the glowing stopped, he asked me try and do it again and I did and he saw me glow again.  He was fascinated!

Thanks for reading! 

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Filed under About my work, spirituality

Shrivelled Heart

It’s dark in my heart

It’s cold in my heart

It’s tight in my heart

There’s no room

All the wounds have made it shrink

Shrink so tight

I don’t think there’s room for love

I don’t think I’ll love again

Because my heart was torn out

It was squeezed so tightly

It dried and shrivelled when he took it

And tried to break it in half

But my heart is made of some kind of rubber

But it is bruised and beyond recover

Will I ever love again?

Will my heart ever mend?

Who knows…

Who knows…

Maybe if life’s clown watered my heart it will beat again?

Maybe if I found someone it will love again…

But I don’t know

Who knows…

Who knows…

Coming from that horrible place again, from 2004 – seriously for four years I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with a man again, not a normal one and to be honest, I know it sounds weird – but going into the BDSM lifestyle actually helped me recover a lot!

I owe my ability to love and trust again due to the guys I met during that time!

But I love cautiously and when I can sniff bad memories resurfacing in someone new, I can be abrupt with them.  Be warned!

I don’t ever want to be in the place again.

The only thing I have ever truly wanted in my life was to be loved and cherished without any indication that the feelings are fake from the other person – a genuine person who loves me for who I am.  Someone who likes snuggles from time to time, someone who cares enough to ask how I think and feel about things – someone I can trust enough to love back and when I love, I love deeply and I am a nurturer – I live to nurture others. 

I know a lot of guys have got a problem with the nurturing type – “hey, I am not your baby” kind of thing – but I can’t help it, I show my love by hugging, talking a lot and asking how you are, do you want to talk about things?  Get things off your chest, unburden yourself by being open with me… but people I’ve experienced don’t like that kind of thing and I sit back and wonder – well then… what is love?

To me love is where you can be totally yourself with the person you are with, without the fear of being judged and criticised – yes constructive criticism is good a little conflict is healthy, but you know what I mean right?  You don’t actually want those criticisms to hurt the person you love, just guide them gently… yes?  Hey you really should think about so and so, it’s not healthy to do so and so… that’s gentle – not words like hey stop scarfing all the pizza or you’re gonna get fatter gordita and if that happens I’ll dump you!

To me past is past, I don’t like bad past being bought up as a weapon when in relationships – to me that’s love, love contains forgiveness and if you forgive someone in one moment and then weeks later remind them of their failure a few weeks back, you haven’t truly forgiven them!

But that’s me.

Yes, OK, some of my poems seem like I haven’t let go of my past, but sometimes as stupid as it sounds it’s OK to relive those places if you are a creative person, because creativity is more appreciated when it comes from a place of authenticity – when you know the writer has experienced that, you know they know what they are on about… you get me?

This is why, when I was in college a few years back I did so well in drama classes, because I can make myself relieve those memories so authentically, that I can bring myself back to the place I need to be when acting.  But I had no support back then about going into theatre like I was cajoled into doing by my college friends, outside of college. 

Except of course my oldest brother, he did try to encourage that, but when you have a mother who tells you, you’re not doing that and won’t let me go out to do it, what can I do?

My brother took me to the theatre once a month over a four year period, I enjoyed it a lot and I miss it a lot since moving in with Paul.  I made friends at the theatre and they asked me to join them behind the scenes and learn about it, when they knew I did drama as a side subject in college – but I told them I couldn’t do that, because my mother would have a problem with it.

In fact, most of my life before I moved in with Paul, my mother was bought up a lot socially – because she had such tight control over my life.  I couldn’t even say, yeah, sure I’ll go to the pub and have lunch with you at lunch break to my colleagues – because my mum had set me a packed lunch and if that wasn’t eaten she’d be furious, but that’s not all – she’d sometimes sit in her car outside my place of work anticipating things like this might happen.

I know it sounds unbelievable, but really, she was that controlling!

But anyway – she is out of my life now and I have friends who know about my past, the drama classes and they know that my son goes to the performing arts school up here and they are trying to talk me into approaching the Rugby Theatre, even if it’s just helping to make props – just to get me out a bit more, now I am getting a little better again.

I don’t want to act though, not now, I am not body confident.  But prop making would be fun!

Henry is getting into the idea of acting a lot now, because he is interested in playing in Matilda.  The school is helping him a lot with that and recently an actress has seen Henry and has suggested, depending on Henry’s audition next year, that she may actually sponsor Henry for outside of school drama classes to help him along as she runs a charity for underprivileged children who is interested in the craft. 

Henry also wanted to be a child model, but Paul won’t support that as he is afraid it will interfere with his schooling.

Henry is very upset about that, because Henry wants to work ASAP and he keeps asking – he knows I will support him, but he also knows I won’t do anything behind Paul’s back.

Thanks for reading…

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Filed under poetry

Duh Brain forgot again!

Forgot to add that some poems that will be on my blog in the next few days were pre-planned before the post last night stating that there are going to be explanations if those are not current thoughts and feelings.

So from next week, it really counts.

Sorry about the confusion!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under About my work

Jagged blade life

Life is edgy, like a jagged blade

I am life’s slave

Reason I was made?

I do not know

For sure

I had clues

But I endure… too much to wait for the answer

I’m a tired dancer of life’s tune

Yes, you call me a loon

But I’m just here

Hiding my tear

For another year

Or another two

Waiting for another clue

Of why I am here

And are you near?

I can hear the angels saying it’s not long

Sing your song and he will come to you

But for now, I am lost and I need a clue

So long I have needed you

But do you care at all?

Or am I lost and fallen?

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Filed under poetry

Weird baby dreams

I am one of the few people in the world who can remember their dreams almost every night; it is rare when I don’t.  I am also aware that I usually have more than one dream in a night and I can usually remember up to four.

I dream in colour, but there has been the rare black and white dream from time to time.  Some dreams make sense, some dreams follow on from other dreams like an alternate reality and other dreams don’t make sense and weird me out and sometimes grosses me out or scares the hell out of me!

Oh yes, I am also an author which sometimes get stories come to me via dreamtime, usually as movies I am watching or living through those dreams myself as the future characters I will write – that one is a strange thing that happens around three times a year on average.

Most recently I have been getting very worrying, abstract and sick dreams.  I don’t mean sick as in good, I mean sick in the old fashioned sense – that it makes me worry about my mentality if I can dream things like that!

I believe these dreams have something to do with the fact that I am panicking that my biggest fantasy in life has never come about and I may be getting too advanced in years for it to become a reality now – that is, I am scared I am running out of time with my biological clock to have the large family I have always wanted.

I never wanted an only child, I have always planned to have a minimum of five children with the idea that it would be my strictest minimum and I was always planning for a dozen!

I am forty now, Paul and I are no longer an item – I am single, with no prospective significant other and I am scared… particularly as I think I have past my best and nobody is willing to start a family within the lifestyle (BDSM) with someone who is forty!

The dreams I have been getting have scared me and made me feel sick recently.  I think I have mentioned somewhere online, either here on this blog or on social media that I had recently had a dream where I found a sickly baby, which turned into a burrito?  Then the one about my mother trying to kill several babies I had, but when she couldn’t she took my kidney?

Well the most recent dream I have had was I had a baby and a puppy I was protecting from scientists and the baby’s eye fell out and ricochet into my mouth – I am very squeamish about eyeballs, I can’t tell you how much this bothers me! 

Then last night I dream that a baby was laying on the sofa and its toddler sibling came over and pulled the blanket it was on so that the baby fell off the sofa head first – I panicked about it, it’s mother didn’t care – I rushed towards the baby to pick it up and take it to a hospital, but the baby slowly turned into cubes of jelly with red little tadpoles inside and it melted completely on the journey to the hospital, where I couldn’t prove I had a baby and was turned out for wasting time.

As I left the hospital feeling confused about how they couldn’t see the baby – I decided to walk in a stony alleyway and through a tunnel, up some slippery gooey steps on a bridge and down the other side on metallic narrow winding steps and I was stopped by a man.  This man had an argument with me – I don’t remember what it was about, but they tersely said to me “Well, goodbye then”!

Then I woke up.

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Dreams

Job 19?

As you are well aware, sometimes I have spiritual visions etc that come to me.

I go with the flow and I am very confused why I have been asked to share this post on my blog…

Someone needs to hear this apparently someone who has read Job 19 looking for an answer… I don’t know who this is… but I was told the answer won’t be founded there, but what you need can be found in these texts… Job 33 and Genesis 17.

I hope this helps?

Sorry for being weird again…

Thanks for reading…

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Pierrot the paint thrower

Today’s abstract thoughts took me to these places;

I was imagining my favourite movie soundtrack “Good Omens” and in my imagination I was proficient in playing this tune on a recorder, I was sitting on the top step of a step ladder, watching a cute guy who walked a bit like Charlie Chaplin painting an abstract picture of a candy world.

He was enjoying the music I was playing and every so often he would call out a colour and I would throw it into the general direction of the canvas and he would be happy!

“Pink” he shouted and I threw the bucket of pink paint at the canvas and he wiped it down on the canvas making lovely pink foliage for the flanks of the picture and I continued playing the recorder, getting off the steps slowly and gracefully whilst doing a solo waltz around the artist.

He then shouts “white” and I dip a large paintbrush into the pot of white paint and playfully throw my left arm out to the sides splashing the artwork all in seemingly perfect choreography – again he looked happy and continued painting in the clouds.

A little white dog, a Jack Russell terrier to be precise, came and sat next to me dancing with my recorder, still playing The Good Omens tune. 

I noticed in this vision I was a sky blue and pink Pierrot style clown and the little white dog had a silver and pink ruff around him, instead of a collar.

I was soon interrupted in my imaginings by Paul, who said it was time to get Henry to bed!

But these are the things that I imagine but are never put to use in a novel or story or anything, such a shame as I love sharing my thoughts with anybody who is willing to listen! 

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Abstract Thoughts

New categories

As I am reaching a higher number in age, I shall refrain from calling it “getting older” as it makes me sound like I am ready to become dowdy or mature or something, which isn’t going to happen… I digress, sorry – I have noticed that my thoughts are becoming more and more abstract and I believe it has everything to do with the bizarre dreams I have been getting at nights these days – very disturbing in fact!

This is why I have decided to create two new categories for my blog and they are called “Dreams” and “Abstract Thoughts”.

So you’ll see stuff popping up for those new categories shortly.

Thanks for reading! 

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Filed under About my work