Daily Archives: November 29, 2022

What is Christmas to me?

December the 1st is the day that Christmas begins for me, maybe someday it will be earlier, who knows?  I’ve had inklings since I was a child, I would end up in the US at some point in my life – it’s something I have always wanted in any case, but never had the opportunity to go through with it. 

I have in actuality had four opportunities, but… well you know about my life enough by now to guess what may have happened to those opportunities, huh?

Well anyway, who knows?

For now, it’s unacceptable for Christmas to start before the 1st December in the UK here by some people and over half of the population thinks it’s unreasonable a week before Christmas!  But hey ho, I am not part of the grumpy bums of the British public; I am one of those annoying jolly types!

So for me, it starts Christmas 1st – I mean December the 1st, how many times do I need to clarify that?  For goodness sakes woman, get on with your post!

Righto!

December the first is when I start putting up the decorations, especially the tree; I have to get it up by then, it simply has to be erected and decorated!  The tree dear, the tree!

I love my bright shining balls just dangling there in the right light – please get your minds out of the gutter, really… think of the children!

But honestly it isn’t the start of Christmas really… I hadn’t thought this post out properly have i?

Because a few days before Halloween is when we make the Christmas cake and the mincemeat for the mince pies, because we have to let it soak in the brandy and mature enough to be just right for Christmas day!  Hmm… yes, forgot about those!  Oh and the Christmas pudding that nobody, including me likes!

I also start buying presents around July to store away – so technically for six months of the year my brain is in Christmas mode.

Ultimately it’s unacceptable to play Christmas music before the 1st December, that’s my thoughts on the matter!

I am going to talk right now like I have no poverty issues whatsoever, because Christmas here sucks – I am talking about all the things I loved about Christmas before I came here and all the things I was excited to share with my children when I have Christmas with a family, but most things never turned out – basically, I am going to write this with as little bitterness as possible… if that is possible, as these days I am finding it hard to hold my tongue!

Write mummy a Christmas list in July, review it in October and write it again by your deadline the 7th December or you are going to be disappointed is my rule to Henry!

Think of anything after the 7th December too bad… well… maybe, but you can’t send it to Santa his inbox is closed after the 7th!

Shh, they don’t need to know otherwise!

I am also very good at talking about things with kids around at this time of year, when I accidentally blurt out a tradition like that and a friends kid writes their list on Christmas Eve because their parents have memorised everything they’ve nagged for weeks – I sit there and change my tune instantly with… but you see the deadline is different regarding postcodes, you see… you don’t live around here, you live there… different rules in different locations love!  Wink to the parent, she winks back and carries it over!

I love kids!

So, we buy edible advent calendars before the 1st December, I have one too, because I never grew up and you don’t want to hear my reaction if you tell me to grow up either and don’t you dare try and sneak my candy away from me and trick me into absent minded eating either, not if you are fond of living!

But that’s not all, you see, because I am crazy and excessive at this time of year, especially when it comes to children I love and adore and worship!

I make little felt stockings with numbers on them and shove them with mini gifts as another advent calendar – before we hit poverty it used to cost me £200 alone for just that!   We did it one year, when I won 3k on the bingo, Henry was 6yrs old, it was the year too, when I bought him a Pendolino train-set.

Spoil my kids?  Not enough!  Not by my standards anyhow!

I also like homemaking things a lot between the 1st and Christmas Eve. 

So, with that done – we then don’t do anything much until the 12th December – when I started the wrong tradition of singing the 12 days of Christmas with Henry every day after dinner, leading up till Christmas.  Only to find out two years ago that I got the days wrong and it is supposed to be sung from Christmas day until the 5th January, which is the twelfth night.  Ho-hum… so we go for round two by then, don’t we, now?

Paul has tried hard to make me only have one round –the right one, since finding it out, but Henry and I won’t have it!

It’s also tradition for me to constantly be on the lookout for new Christmas tree decors the whole month too and add them to the tree every so often as well as adding candy canes and chocolates to the tree whenever I like and yes, some days, not every day, I will allow Henry to choose a treat from the tree after dinner!

We also have instilled impeccable self-control in Henry over the years, where he knows there is only 1 gift coming from Santa and it’s usually the thing he wants the most or the rarest thing he could ask for – this means whenever a new present is bought it is wrapped and put under the tree until Christmas Day – Henry is really good at not trying to peak! 

However, Ray the rabbit is a menace when he is out at this time of the year and we have to barricade the tree because he thinks all the presents are for him!

Oh and that’s another thing, every pet has their own stocking too!

We only go to the local church for three reasons at Christmas, that is to see them put the village Christmas tree lights on, to go to the Christmas fetes or fairs they do and to gift to the shoebox appeal or food banks, if it hasn’t been a bad year for us!

When I lived in London it as quite common for my paternal family to do a lot of charity work around these times, as my family on this side are descendants from the people who founded the Salvation army! So a lot of relatives are involved in that particular charity as musicians and fundraisers. Three of my aunts were also fundraising performers over the years for them. Also my great grandmother was a general for the Salvation army for a time!

My father’s family are very into the charity mindset and I was raised to be that way too there is always someone worse off than you, no matter how poor you are, you have to try your best to still help others!

We are struggling this year, but its not our worse year – we have so far managed to donate three items of food for a food bank and we are hoping to gift at least £5 of our budget to help other worse off locals this year! Meagre, I know but we can’t afford much else!

Paul has always been frightened if I were to become a best-selling author and became quite wealthy due to my writing, that I’d go overboard with the giving, but I am not stupid! He knows I call him a Grinch!

The Winter Solstice is celebrated in this house too, with a special three course meal normally, but this year things are tight and that’s unlikely to happen! 

Christmas Eve is the busiest time of the year or was until the family that liked us, dropped us… because every Christmas Eve we are so busy baking home goods for the next two days, that we can’t waste time or space in the oven to cook our dinner – so being it was the time that we had a lot of guests, we used to put on a huge buffet table and snack on that all day and guests were welcomed to do so too!

Since nobody visits anymore there isn’t a point in doing that, so now it become a boring rush to the fish and chip shop!

I want my Christmas Eve buffets back!

Christmas Eve around 7pm we have a special movie we never miss – it’s a sin to miss that movie!  We simply must watch The Muppets Christmas Carol, It can’t be watched any other day in the month – because of the song “After all, there’s only one more sleep till Christmas”.  After we have watched the movie it’s off to settle things down before Henry goes to bed! 

This is where I would make a special magick concoction with my cauldron (yes I have one of those) filled with porridge oats, silver foil stars and edible glitter and pieces of dried carrot and I will say an incantation as this is the magic dust that attracts Santa’s reindeer!

Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

Come and bring Santa on the sleigh tonight

Bring with you Rudolph and his nose for light!

Yeah I know my version sucks – but the kids love it and I got the whole village doing this since Henry told them about it at nursery when he was 4yrs old!

Henry also knows about the magical flying donkey the Italians have and asked why Dominic isn’t up there with the reindeer, I say it’s because he is a spare in case anyone is sick!  That keeps him happy!

So we sprinkle this magic reindeer dust down our front garden path, so it glistens in the night to show the reindeer we’re special folk, not normal humans here!

Also, we take the golden key of Santa and hang it on the reef of our door, because that’s Santa’s special key to get inside as we don’t have a fire place!

Then Henry leaves a treat for the reindeer, because Henry is a body shamer and thinks that Santa will die of diabetes if he adds another cake or pie to his diet and goes off to bed!

Meanwhile, we are baking until 1am, mince pies, strawberry gateau, pecan pies, shortbread – gingerbread houses etc, you name it!

Christmas Day, I am up before Henry!  Weird that!  But I am!

Always am!

6am, tired as Hell – but still up like a five year old raring to go!

Paul has to hide my presents until Christmas Eve because I can’t help myself!

I remember two years ago, they tried to trust me and Henry noticed there was a tear in the corner of his present he got me, and was like “mum, seriously”!  So they took them away again!

I can’t help it!

The thing that makes Paul laugh the most is when I open them, I am very careful with the pretty wrappings to unwrap them carefully and fold the paper neatly for scrapbooking – that’s if it’s really nice and unusual.

Anyway, we unwrap things slowly, taking it in turn so we can all see the joy in each other, until someone has more presents than someone else and we just let them get on with it after a while.  But we like to take turns, so we can appreciate things better and it’s fun to see people’s reactions!

I love giving presents!

We stop after around five presents so we can go and make breakfast, special Cinnamon plum compote on cinnamon French toast, believe me, its heaven and its very much an aphrodisiac!  Well for me anyway…

We tend not to eat lunch because dinner is usually 3:30pm after the Royal speech, my goodness, this will be the first year without Madge.  So sad!

Dinner used to be always excessive and leftovers eaten the next day either in the form of chips and beans with the cold meat or turned into a turkey curry! 

After dinner we all try to encourage each other to play board games… I don’t need encouraging…  and it’s the biggest thing I miss about Christmas.  They don’t like it much and will usually argue a lot over it – so I don’t bother anymore.  Nobody spends time together at Christmas in this house after breakfast; it’s such a boring shame! 

Boxing Day is the day after Christmas, in my family it was always the special day where parents spent all day playing with their children and their new toys or going for walks together!

That’s Christmas for me anyway.

Thanks for reading!

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Sentimental & very ready!

I am a very sentimental person and this is something that people have tried to get out of me, sentimentality is not respected in the world or rather the societies I was raised in. 

My mother had always tried to force that sort of thing out of me, by forcing me to get rid of a third of my stuff every three months so I never grew attachments to anything!

When a person dies in the family, people have to fight for things like photographs and things of sentimental value, because other members of the family will just get a skip (a hired dumpster) and throw things away – yes – even photos!

What things I had managed to keep over the test of time and hid from my mother, I still have and I know it sounds lame, but I am never getting rid of those things – including the fifteen soft toys I have managed to keep, because it was a huge fight for many years to keep them and I had to be tactical about it!

Over the years I have been gifted small things by people who have since died and I am not happy about leaving things like that behind or throwing them away either and I am paranoid about them breaking when I move out of Paul’s!

I don’t have many things, probably enough to fit in a suitcase or two, but they have a lot of memories for me. 

A little book ornament my grandma bought me with a rose on it for my birthday – that meant a lot to me because, I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead or anything, but my maternal grandma was a known miser and rarely got gifts for anyone – especially something like this, especially something personalised!

So the fact I got a personalised ornament with a gold engraving on it, means a lot to me, because nobody else has ever got such a valuable gift from her before!  I mean, it’s not expensive, but it’s not a simple chocolate box like she normally gave her adult grandchildren, you know?

It tells me that although she was never vocal about how she felt about me, she knew we had a special bond in comparison to everyone else, because she let me live with her a lot as I was growing up and we spent a lot of time together alone and shared the same hobbies!  I was also the only descendant she had who trusted her stories of our ancestry and who would listen to her little quips of gypsy magic etc; whereas everyone else rolled their eyes up and was like “whatever”.

I have some soft toys which mean a lot to me too, unfortunately a couple of them have got lost in the pack rat mess of Pauls here – so I have to try and find them and I hope they are not ruined like a couple of other things have been, which has broken my heart over the years, because Paul has moved somethings of mine temporarily but forgot to put it back!

So, yes, I am transitioning into getting into the mind-set to prepare myself to move out – it won’t be soon – it can’t be for a small number of reasons, but also because I need to start thinking about self-employment on a serious level now, so I can support myself.

I researched online last night with Paul actually about how much I need to try and earn monthly in order to be able to confidently leave him and support myself and I would need £1600 a month if I am to stay within a 3 mile walk of Henry my son, as he won’t be coming with me apparently.

I also will not move out unless I can support a dog in a rentable accommodation that allows a dog that is essential for my sense of personal security!

But for years, before Paul decided he had found someone else, I have not been happy here but just tolerated being here.  I have never been happy about the house environment; Paul has different standards than I do about what constitutes good, clean and tidy living!

Paul has come to realise that the house will be very empty when I move out, because I bought most of the furniture and Paul insists anything I have bought, must go with me – whether I want it or not!

I told him don’t be stupid, you won’t have any chairs, any sofa, any bed – what about Henry, you think I am going to take these things from him?

Sometimes he can be very irrational!

He will only have a dining table set when I leave and a bedframe for himself, if he is going to go that far!

Because I have to admit, a lot of my debt is due to me having to use my credit score in order to buy things we needed to replace as things broke down or became too dangerous to use anymore, because Paul was already in debt before I moved in!

My debt was caused by having to support breakdowns, because he couldn’t and we needed to feed a baby, we needed a new cooker, we needed a new mattress as I was cut to ribbons in the old mattress, Henry needed a bed, we needed a sofa because my mum broke it etc., you get the idea?

I came with 3 boxes of books and there were no bookshelves, so I bought those.

I am certainly taking the rugs with me so Henry goes colder!  Before I moved in there was no rugs on our stone and laminated floor at all, it’s an ice-box in the winter – Paul has always resented the rugs, but we can’t sit in a freezer all winter – especially when Henry sits on the floor all the time!

To say I am looking forward to leaving this house is an understatement!

I will hate the quiet solitude of living alone, because personally, any time I am alone I am in high anxiety and I prefer to be in any company at all, than alone!

It’s very likely no sooner had I paid my first rent, I’d have got into a relationship with someone and got them to move in with me, because I won’t hack living solo!  I just hope they are a decent person, whoever they might be – no one is planned yet!

But I need to start setting up my business and rolling up my sleeves now, because I never realised how much Paul could change in a short space of time and I don’t like it!

I am not comfortable here anymore, we have split up as far as we’re both concerned, so why does he still walk into the bathroom when I am having a bath to take a pee next to me?  That’s acceptable when we was an item, but now I am feeling a little weird about it!

I know I sound stupid, but it just doesn’t sit right with me anymore to do that.

As I am starting to go into a nesting phase mentally… I have started to try and gather things of mine whenever I can and weigh up whether I really want those things or not anymore and I am bagging them for charity.  But it hurts when I find something I love and had meaning to me, be destroyed because it had been thrown amongst the pack rat pile and got damaged, often severely!

I found a doll of mine which had been perfect all these years squashed against a radiator and her face had melted, broke my heart because it was the only proper doll I had outside of Barbie.

I know I sound like a stupid kid, but it still puzzles me how she got out of the bag she was in and thrown all the way over there like that!

Like a pair of kinky boots I had when I used to be involved in the lifestyle (BDSM) as a switch for a short while, as an ex master of mine thought I am a good alpha girl for others, so why not try and train me to be a dominatrix to earn some cash!  I never did that, but he let me keep the boots nonetheless and I loved them, but they were shifted from my boot box out into the utility room by Paul and when the storm damaged the roof the box dissolved and I didn’t know about it until months later, when I found the box had rotted into the boots and the boots were literally glued to the floor of the room like they had melted!

I didn’t know about this and a bunch of other things in the utility room, because the floorboards in the room were cracked, dipped and damaged and Paul banned me from using the room – even though it’s still used as our laundry room – so I never got to see the damage out there until I wanted to clean it up two years ago!

The utility room is our only safe access to the back garden – the other one is a shared entryway that is guarded by our bad neighbour’s ferocious Dalmatian dog, which is untrained and attacks everything – only Paul is stupid enough to use that entryway and twice the dog has caused him an injury, but still he won’t complain!

Be glad to be out of here, I can tell you!

Get to do my gardening again, get to have the safety that the bad neighbour isn’t going to come glaring into our downstairs windows whenever he likes, get to have a clean and tidy home that has fresh air and windows opened regularly!  Get to be able to access the food in the kitchen without twisted my sides as it’s all out of reach… seriously… I can’t wait!

If I had the money tomorrow to get out of here, you won’t have seen me move fast enough, believe me!

So, the 8th of December my domain name gets renewed, with that I am adding some money to WordPress to update it to a business account to get advertisers to pay me!  I am also going to try and figure out how to use Instagram properly for business and poetry.

I am going to compile several of my old blog post poems into a book to sell on Amazon kindle. 

I am going to look into what I can do to utilise patreon and Pinterest. 

Then I am going to have to figure out alone how to set up my webcam and microphone on my desktop to start a YouTube channel!

Also, I am going to forego treat money for about six weeks to save up for a bulk in art supplies so I can sell my art in different formats on Squarespace. 

Every little helps!

Whilst doing all of that, I will be trying to add two hours a day again to writing my novels as I am not giving up on those either!

Busy, busy, busy, especially as I am trying to get healthier and fitter and exercise and what have you.

If these things haven’t got started by the second week of January then I am just a bum and that’s not acceptable to me!  Because I am no longer bedbound sick anymore! 

Thanks for reading!

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