What animals are in my soul according to how I see it… what quirks and personality traits do those animals have that I see in myself?
This is my honest opinion about who I am, in my animalistic side.
My strongest personality I believe is the spirit of the dog or the wolf, which I believe are the same animal really!
I consider myself very friendly and easily excitable around my favourite people, people I trust and the better I know somebody the more playful I tend to become. I am also very emotionally insecure and always out to get affection of some kind or another, or give affection and be amongst my pack in general.
I am a pack animal who is outcast as it were, right now – I am without a pack and it is killing me inside, it really is!
I mean it when I say I am excitable around my favourite people! I exuberate the energy of “oh my goodness, you’re great, you’re this and that, I love you, come here, give a hug, who hurt who? Let me at them”! It’s quite funny to see me at times…
Yes I am needy I suppose, no shame in that I guess?
I want to be everyone’s friend but the world seems to fight back against people like me, fiercely it would seem!
I can easily adopt people if they are nice to me, it’s my nature but also like a dog or a wolf I don’t forgive others who bite or bark at me if they’ve been too fierce! But boy can I be a bitch (pun intended) if you hurt the ones I love and who mean a lot to me!
Like a dog, I can easily feel shame and guilt about the slightest thing, rolling over trying to win back the favour of those I have disappointed if I love them, like some attention seeking hussy!
The other animal I am like is a squirrel – in the right places I tend to have a lot of excess energy and excitement, a bit like a hyperactive dog – but it can be more extreme. Like a squirrel I love nuts, to eat them but also I like nuts as in people who are considered oddballs of society or Bohemian.
Like a squirrel I am a bit of an airhead and can forget a lot of things, because I store away knowledge and items all the time and what’s worse, I move them around in case other people borrow them a lot, so sometimes those items can be lost to me… forever… so it would seem!
Also squirrels plant trees, I plant trees too, lots of trees, I like trees.
Give me caffeine or candy or a combination of them both I start talking like a horse racing commentator and speed walk everywhere at high energy for several hours, laughing my head off!
And like a squirrel I can often freak out about things, like the worry wart I am! When I am stressed or worried, I talk so fast and so high pitched that people just stare at me wide eyed and think rightfully so… “What the fuck”?
Paul has got into the habit of grabbing me by the shoulders after I’ve told him things and then looks at me calmly and says to me…. “Breath, now tell me again… SLOWLY”!
So sometimes I start off again at the same speed and he patiently says “tut tut tut, slowly and focus”… to see us together like this makes you think I am demented or something, but sometimes even I feel I might be at times!
It’s more fun when I have had caffeine and candy and I am worried or have been recently affronted by something… its full steam ahead then, won’t get sense out of me for hours!
An ex of mine had the right idea when I get like that – just snog my brains out and I calm down and become passive almost immediately and then I manage to talk like I have actually got a brain instead of a hamster on a wheel in my head!
Another animal I am like is self-explanatory – rabbits. You must know me enough by now to know what I am on about here! The innuendo of what rabbits representation to society is enough for your imagination – but it is also one of the major things which boost my energy!
I am definitely an energiser bunny!
You can also see the rabbit in me when I garden as I often like to kneel on the ground and dig deep holes like I am making a warren… I don’t do it aimlessly, I am not insane! There is always a purpose for the hole, such as a plant.
I lied. I am insane, don’t you believe otherwise!
A cow is another animal, I am very nurturing by nature and I tend to graze rather than eat meals, because my body struggles with volume these days, a sandwich is a huge meal to me of late.
If we had the budget my diet would be reminiscent of my grandma’s advice, 7 small meals a day, no bigger than a tea plate (sandwich plate), because volume is an issue!
I remember I thrived when I lived her, it meant of course I seem to constantly eat – but I was thinner for it and I never had stomach ache!
Like the dogs, cows like to go around in herds or packs and I do miss having people in my life.
I miss having a nurturing role, Paul has made my ability as a mother almost obsolete since I’ve become ill, he has taken over everything and there is a huge power struggle for me to become an active mother again with Henry!
I can’t even nurture this family in other ways, such as baking or cooking because of finances but also because Paul has kept the kitchen in a manner that things I need are out of access for me or the kitchen is in such a mess that it takes me three hours of cleaning before I am happy to do anything in there! It’s not as simple as pop into the kitchen to make a tuna sandwich, because the tuna is in a section of the cupboard I can’t reach because of a mound of boxes in the way and Paul is much taller than I am – I am 5ft 8 and still struggle to get things!
Even on tippy toes I can’t reach the highest shelves of a cupboard and that’s where most of the snacks are stored, so Henry doesn’t binge behind our backs, but it also means I am heavily reliant on Paul to reach them for me as he has forbidden me to use the step ladder, due to my vertigo issues. I don’t have a fear of height; I have vertigo because of ear damage. I am fine using them, but he is over protective.
Like a cow, I like to be around children as much as possible and I love to mingle with others in nature.
Another creature I am like is a peacock, though it strongly depends on who I am around. I am heavily influenced by other people who are in my life the most. If I am around people where image doesn’t matter, I fall on the wayside with them and don’t make an effort because it’s never noted or appreciated when I do.
I absolutely adore people who are vain, narcissistic or believe that image is everything… they are my kind of people; they are the kinds of people who keep me to my standards! But I don’t like the ones who make things too personal. Yes, nag me to take care of myself, my hair, and my fashion, give me tips and advice, but don’t go getting personal about weight and things I can’t change like nose shape and eye shape etc.
I know I am overweight, I am working on it, I don’t need to be told, I am already deeply ashamed about that aspect about me without being reminded or judged for it!
There is nothing I can do about my nose and eyes other than surgery and I don’t want to be the Bride of Frankenstein, no offence. Though I do need surgery on my nose, because I have broken cartilage that has never healed, but it’s not aesthetic.
Also I don’t like the ones who think there is something I can do about my big scars. Yes I know make up works wonders, but some of my scars go into my hairline and messes my hair up if I use cosmetics in those areas!
Always be kind in your advice, never vitriolic.
I love glamour, but I am not well versed in using make up – I never had a feminine influence who taught me things like that. It’s something I need to learn!
Like my mother never made a point about hygiene, I learned from other people who took care of me over the years.
I remember when I had my first menses as a child, I was unusually early, 8yrs old – my mother gave me sanitary towels but never told me how to use them and for the first few months I wore them with the glue attached to my vagina and not the underwear – when I got my first hairs I learned I had been doing it wrong, because I complained to her about it one day and she called me a fool!
But anyway, I love fashion and I like to stand out a little. But I do love my baggy comforts and rough and ready looks in dungarees and what not on a day to day basis. But generally, I love to play with my looks whenever possible because I am a suppressed attention whore, I know I love attention if I can get it and showing off my latest outfits is one way to get attention!
I know when I was a lot younger I was very much the “notice me, notice me” type – but I got beaten pretty badly off my pedestal over the years.
I refuse to believe that as I get older my ability to be a peacock is less and less obtainable, I mean just look at some of the classic stars in Hollywood still bombing around at their best at ninety!
There’s life in the old dog yet, lol what am I saying? I am only forty!
Growing up I loved the egotistical and I have a playlist called “Vanity” where I have all sorts of songs on it, one of them happens to be the theme tune “Sexy boy” from the wrestler Shawn Michaels – “eat your heart out girls, hands off the merchandise”! I had Shawn Michaels as a pin up in my bedroom but the bigger poster I had was his quote rather than him “IMAGE IS EVERYTHING”!
Gosh, if I hadn’t of been brutalised, what would I have been like right now as a person?
Though I say all this, yet I am nothing like how I want to be right now – I am a shocking mess, enough to make the true inner me heave whenever I look in the mirror. But I do feel – why bother when nobody cares and you’re just spending money on your looks that you can’t afford?
I spruce myself up occasionally but it doesn’t get a reaction from anyone around here, not even Paul.
I am embarrassed to say, my depression got so bad in 2016 I found it hard to get the motivation to do basic things like brush my hair etc. around the house – I wasn’t going out as I was bedbound and so often times I didn’t bother. It made me go around the twist a bit and I think I went stir crazy, because one day I woke up and decided to literally buzz cut my hair clean off!
With the alopecia I have, I am near wanting to do that again, but scared I’ll regret it, especially as my hair is long now and it’s becoming a pacifier for me to brush my hair through with my fingers when I feel insecure.
I think I am also like a snake – it hurts to admit this, because my mother used to call me that a lot when I was growing up and made me feel guilt, shame and disgust for it.
Why do I think I am like a snake?
Because when someone hurts me, I am quieter than I used to be – I am more observant and I tend to strike at their weakest moment and strike hard!
I think I am a snake because like a snake I sit in the grass watching my attackers, seeing what they are doing to me or trying to do to me and I am calculating… calculating their next move, then WHAM! I find out their weakness and it’s not pretty.
I have always been the quiet observer – as my auntie always said “you’ve got to watch the quiet ones”, she kept warning people not to push me too far as I am one they’ve got to be more careful of!
A snake isn’t untrustworthy; it’s a misunderstood creature because it has a superior intelligence for survival, which is unique in the world. Because they do strike when you least expect it, because you never respected the snake, you underestimated it – you thought it was small and helpless and an easy touch – but the snake will always show you!
If someone criticises me and I give a small strained smile and go quiet, just understand, you’ve hurt me more than you think. I tend not to be vocal about my hurt feelings too much with people I hardly know.
But also that same smile can be confusing I guess – because it is the same smile I have when I feel anxious or not very confident.
I am also like an elephant… I never forget – I forgive sometimes – but I never forget and I will always make sure you never forget either, if you’ve ever hurt me!
I am also big and a klutz and I survive with my hearing loss because I rely on vibrations, like elephants do! I also don’t know my own strength, I am unusually strong really.
I mean, before I got sick I could carry a two hundred a fifty pound man over my shoulder!
I used to have big aspirations as a glamazon strength contest woman, this was a thing in the early 2000s in the UK – like the strongest women in the world contest but they were also glamour pusses too! Not all of them had grotesquely huge muscles; some looked like normal women, but could bench press three hundred or more pounds.
I got out of that ambition when I was 21 because men found it a turn off.
I still kind of dream about doing something similar again, like I used to dream about being a gladiator or a contestant on that show or a female professional wrestler, yes, these are genuine past ambitions I once had!
I loved fitness a lot and it is something I really want to get back into again in a big way – but again, without other like-minded folk in my life, it’s hard to motivate myself!
I like to think that I could get fit enough again where I could potentially do those things in the future and maybe go on the new show Apocalypse Wow too!
But I can be a bit rough with people and I have been known to break the stems of wine glasses by holding them too tight – really I sometimes wonder if I am half orc or something!
I look big and muscular whether overweight or not and people are often shocked when they hear me talk when I feel anxious or shy, because… yeah… my voice doesn’t match my physique and no… I do not have an annoyingly high pitched voice… I have a really strange calm, soothing voice by all accounts that sounds slightly young, but it’s not high pitched unless I am excited or angry.
The closest British actress I can think of that has a voice similar to me is Camille Codari, she is definitely a close sound alike – Americans will probably know her from the John Goodman and Peter O’Toole movie King Ralph! But also Jackie Tyler from Dr Who; I can be a sociopath at times and put on voices depending on the situation, I am self-conscious of my childish common natural voice, so I do try and suppress it a lot.
My grandma did a lot of elocution lessons on me as I was growing up and so I do know how to talk more mature and aristocratic when I need to and keep it up for quite some time! It was an essential survival tactic I needed as I was growing up in mixed religious and class cultures.
I can put on a voice that does suit my looks but it is the kind of voice that gets you noticed in public and I don’t like that – it’s a rough and ready school ma’am type of voice, that sounds like I won’t have any funny business! Lol! That voice can sound reminiscent of Pam Ferris or Martita Hunt, scary contrast if you ask me!
But there you go me in animal form.