Would you like to see my shadow?
My shadow self, I mean.
Do you even know what I am talking about?
Well, a shadow self is the dark side of you – the personality traits and habits you have that you are not proud of having and try to repress, the things you feel shame about, the things you fight hard against. For many people its things like anger, sadness, rage, jealousy and cruelty and habits like addiction, self-harming and so forth.
So, do you want to see my shadow? Or at least the bits I am willing to share about it?
If not, then tough – because this is what this post is about, my shadow self!
A lot of the shame aspect of my shadow isn’t so much my real feelings about them, but the kinds of feelings I was beaten into believing is shameful about them – brainwashed brutally by others to supress about myself.
Some things about my shadow self, I am actually rather proud of and I want to bring it out into the open a lot more. But because I was brutalised into shame for those things, I can’t help but burn up all over whenever I dare think about being that person!
When I was a lot younger, I am talking adolescent age; I took up smoking for a few weeks until I developed a bad chest infection.
It is one of my hidden fetishes as I found smoking sexy in some ways and still do; even though it’s not sexy at all really… it’s dangerous for the health. But I am definitely someone who finds certain styles of smokers pleasing to look at. This is one of the things I feel shame about, because it’s a selfish act – I am not thinking of the smoker’s health here, just my own lust at the aesthetic of at looking at them.
I took up smoking because I wanted to be that sexy smoker with the cigarette extension at posh parties, but my chest couldn’t take it, so it soon stopped!
I won’t go back into it again and my own guilty conscience could never use anyone for that aesthetic, as I really do care about people I love.
Although I am a very open person and I have lived with polygamists and been involved with open relationships, I am a jealous person – if I know I am not getting the quality of attention and care I desire; if neglected too long I can be positively vicious or over enthusiastic, depends on the person and what happened between us.
I admit I can be a vengeful person, but I tend to decline from violence whenever possible because I have a problem that can’t be managed well, when in a violent situation. I am afraid to admit that I have been physically brutalised so much in my life, I have the same traumatic response as a war veteran.
If violence is not easily avoided, I zone out, go red and attack back to the extent I can’t relay what I did to the person, other people have to tell me. It’s like I go into a trance or something. This is why, if I feel a violent situation is going too far I have to do the so-called cowardly thing and walk away! It’s a huge part of the PTSD I have.
I know it sounds counterproductive, but this is where another fetish of mine comes in useful – I have been involved deeply in the BDSM lifestyle as both sub and dominant. I prefer sub when I am in a relationship where I completely love and respect the man, it’s hard when I don’t love deeply or respect them enough to submit to them It does matter to me, I can’t just submit to anyone.
But a good trusting dominant that I love and respect, knows what boundaries I have and respects them, pushes them from time to time as they build trust with me and it actually helps with the PTSD over a time.
It’s hard for me to top a guy I love and respect though. I prefer not being the dominant partner if am honest with you.
Which leads to another shadow trait I have – intense pride, I feel a lot of pride when I am a submissive to the right guy – I am proud for being what they need me to be at the time, I am proud to help, proud to do things… if those things make me comfortable and they respect my boundaries. Now for those who aren’t involved in the lifestyle, you may feel that a submissive can’t have boundaries – but they do, in fact they are more respected than vanilla/regular relationships in my opinion.
I am so happy within myself when I feel needed or given a task or I have successfully done something for the one I love.
Another thing is, I need a man who likes to take control like that – especially if they have high standards, because I do not thrive without someone like that in my life. I go stagnant, I don’t look after myself properly and I let myself go; Which is strange because I am a proud person and I am very vain by my nature, but again, society has brutalised that out of me… so when I am not in a controlling relationship with a vain guy who has high standards, my vanity flies out of the window too – because I am naturally also quite modest.
Because I was made to be modest, it is unacceptable to be vain in the religious communities I was raised in.
Paul is not a vain person – he doesn’t care what I look like, he is just happy having me around or was until recently. But I know from past experiences, when I have had a guy who does care and does have high standards, I never slack on my beauty regime and trying to look my best, because I don’t want to fail him!
It’s hard to get the motion going without someone like that in my life, because I don’t have the inclination to do it just for myself, because I don’t get the same sense of pride from it.
I am also ashamed to admit I thrive on praise, if I don’t get enough of it, it doesn’t feed my pride so I become like a hungry lioness that starts to rebel because I haven’t been acknowledged enough – yes, I admit I am hard work!
My dream would be to be part of a couple where we motivate each other, we have similar needs but are polar opposites, I am submissive they are dominant, but we both need each other for the praise and challenge to make each other the best that we can be for each other, with true team work.
Though saying that, some of my fetishes seem to put the dominant into a bottom role at times, I love foot fetishists, I love having my feet sensually acknowledged and that can be difficult thing to broach with some dominant men.
I know the shadow aspect is more than just sex, but I am following a pattern of thought here, from one thing to another and it just so happens to be sexually related right now.
To the right dominant I will be completely 100% loyal to and could do almost anything within my limits for, not just in the bedroom, but in life too. I have a strong sense of integrity though, which can put up certain blocks for how much the dominant can harness me.
I will do anything for them, but if it goes against my hard-core beliefs, you’d have a hard time convincing me to do it and that’s where another trait of mine comes into play. I am renowned for being stubborn!
Yes I have stubborn integrity!
If I don’t respect or love someone deeply enough or if my integrity is being challenged, I am so incredibly stubborn and forthright that nothing will stand in my way to maintain my poise and position on the matter and I will respond to it viciously if I must.
I remember an old Lord who met me once, got off on the wrong foot with me with his naughty disrespectful behaviour (non-sexual) and I told him a few home truths and I got the nickname “Sparky” from him!
Another shadow trait I have is self-harming if I believe I have let people I love down or humiliated them in some way – I also self-harm when I feel humiliated or stupid, or if I am too stressed without support. I just go and sit in the corner and scratch myself to pieces with broken glass! Though that happens rarely these days, in fact the last relapse I’ve had with that was about three years ago.
What’s worse is whenever possible I will try not to cry in front of people, so people never really know how upset I have got over things as I tend to hide myself away, though lately that’s getting difficult to do as I am getting more emotional as I am getting older. but a good master or dominant man will know to always double check on me.
Another part of my shadow self goes back to fetishes again, I switch easily from sub to dominant to alpha submissive on sister subs if I am in a polygamous household. I don’t like dominant women and I have a hard time having any woman try to top me, in fact – just don’t even try to go there!
But with other submissive women I have a playful dominant streak which can sometimes be too teasing and borderline cruel; I have to be reined in at times – but it depends on who the other person is; the less I like them the naughtier I get with them. Yes, viciousness is a part of who I am at times – but it rarely rears its ugly head, because generally I just want to be nice and helpful most of the time!
Another thing, I am a huge attention whore – I mean, I don’t just like being acknowledge a bit… I like a lot of hands on attention and I have been known to be called “exhausting” by some previous relationships on both a physical and mental level.
I need a lot of touching, snuggling, feeling, playing – you get me? When I am not getting that I tend to talk people to death, or at least that’s how they make me feel at times.
I often think that I need a dominant man who can handle all that but also socialises a lot, so he can take me out to a party or something and point me in a direction and say “look, friends, go talk to them” and nudge me over to them so he can have a break lol.
Another thing is, I have to be boring at events etc. in that I only drink three glasses of any kind of alcohol, unless they are shot glasses then maximum seven. Because to me, I love alcohol and I think it could be all too easy for me to follow my family down the alcoholism line. Because to me, alcohol is really nice and it’s like soda to me! So I avoid it, because I know myself well enough.
I have had ex alcoholic boyfriends in the past and I have respected them enough to NEVER drink alcohol around them, because I know addiction is hard.
If you hadn’t noticed yet, another shadow aspect of me is sex addiction. Actually, it can be a real problem if I am with a very erm… playful guy?
I am one of these people that gain more energy with it, I am very lusty and have a high libido – same with normal exercise too – if I am lethargic and can’t be motivated to do much due to laziness just make me exercise – if you are in a relationship with me, sex is more fun!
I have been complained at for having such a high drive that an ex felt I used them only for their body… so… lol
Up until recently I was very embarrassed about being super childish and repressed it hugely, but healing my inner child is bringing the childishness out more and more and though, sometimes it can be a bit much for a forty year old woman to act the way I do… I am happier for it!
I can be bratty at times; if I know I can get away with it with people. I am talking Verruca Salt here, but then again I am easier to please than her as I have modest desires really!
All I tend to want are fluffy cushions, snuggles, pets, books, endless art supplies, perfumes and a virile dominant man – what more could I possibly want? … Oh and a big kitchen, a happy family and a good sized garden… nearly forgot those essentials!
I avoid eating candy outside of ovulation because it makes me hyper. I am talking squirrel on caffeine kind of hyper! Give me candy during ovulation should be a part of any man’s survival manual if they are in my life! I turned into a right monster when sugar deprived around then!
Just imagine a 40yr old Verruca Salt shouting “Give me candy now, or I will scream and scream and scream”, you kind of get the message… though I am polite, so I am likely to say please, the rude part comes if anyone dares say no to me at this time.
People give in, because when I scream, it’s reminiscent of Madeline Kahn.
So there you have it – my shadow in all its glory…
I can’t say I feel any better for sharing it – if anything I kind of feel embarrassed about it and might hide for a year or two over it… but never mind.
I may just plod along.
Thanks for reading!