Sitting here reading my posts in the past few days has been hard for a lot of you, I know it has been because some of them has made Paul cry and he is hard to move usually.
Would you believe me if I told you before I got sick in 2013 that I was annoyingly positive and considered to be a cross between Pollyanna and Patty Simcox? Yes, I had Pollyanna syndrome is it any wonder the darkness chased me down and tore me a part over the years?
They don’t like care bears in this world!
Regardless of my depression, I still try to be the old me – talking myself out of things, looking like a lunatic as I false smiles in the mirror, sigh and say to myself “It’s going to be a great day today”, then I go downstairs and walk into a screaming match between Paul and Henry and everyone storms out into different rooms and I just can’t help but think… well… no one said good morning and they’ve gone… is it me?
Tentatively put my desktop computer on, mooch over to pet the rabbit and see if he is OK and if the TV is off I may risk putting on some music for me and the rabbit as we don’t like a quiet room full of the residues of discontent.
I put the music on and open a window to try and get the bad vibes out, but then seconds later someone comes back because they’ve simply got to rant at me about how useless, rude, nasty, lazy whatever negative narrative about the other person they want at me and force me to take a side and I won’t. I am a neutral Nicky.
They hate those kinds of people in this world too.
What happened? Oh, I see, well maybe you need to see things from their perspective etc… but no, no, no, it doesn’t help.
Perhaps reacting without a shout could help? But no, they shout at me then about why it’s not as easy as all that and how I am so annoying!
I go off to see the other person who hasn’t come back yet, I say something along the lines of – would you like a drink or a bite to eat and oh boy do I get snapped at! It’s like living in a tank of piranhas at times!
Oh ok, I only asked, please don’t shout at me, then they whine their apologies and I have to try and cope with writing and my own mental health problems when this stuff is around me more often than not.
That’s how lonely I am here. I have no release, I can’t rant to other people about it – there is no one around for me, they are all too self-absorbed.
They really wouldn’t miss me if what I said yesterday would happen in April, their only concern would be, there is no extra person to diffuse to anymore.
That’s my value here in this family – I am just a sort of shock absorber if you like?
Anyway, I do try… as I said, it’s hard to do it alone.
Thanks for reading!
Oh and remember, the happy quiet ones are the ones you need to care for the most and be the most considerate of – because we’re the ones who usually end up dead young. One by one, only the good die young, they‘re only flying too close to the sun, and life goes on, without you By Queen – it’s a song that’s always haunted me, my gran was always afraid the song was about me!
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