Some of my broken dreams are still reachable, I haven’t given up yet. But the previous post was a post of preparation to the world. That if things in my life haven’t changed by April, I don’t think I would hold back with the dark thoughts anymore. April is my personal deadline for change.
If things haven’t changed, then I need to start again. New life entirely and that’s not good for those who care about me. That won’t be good at all.
Today I have struggled with depression more than anything and today I am just trying to let you know that I may cocoon in April to mull things over, but it may not be long before you start reading my obituary, as I have the attitude of what is the point… I haven’t got anything to live for – I am not allowed to be a full active mother with my son, so he isn’t giving me a reason to live. Because I have no personal time with him, we can’t bond – we used to, but then I got sick and certain other people took over and got in the way and made me feel unneeded. That’s easily happens to people like me who like to stay unassuming, passive and go with the flow – don’t want any trouble and a people pleaser, because for the love of all that is good all I want is a peaceful life.
It’s people like me who don’t get their dreams because they don’t want to rock the boat, it’s why I’ve always chose to have relationships with people who will motivate me and rock the boat for me and make me take what I want. Without that kind of support I just sit back and watch life go by, it’s who I am.
I hate disappointing and upsetting people I love, so I tend to go for the people who push me even if that means they are the manipulative sort – at least they give me a reason to live. Apathetic and unambitious people are dangerous for people like me.
I can’t thrive living where I am but that was OK when I knew I was wanted – I am not wanted anymore, even though Paul thinks his new relationship is strange and perhaps not so genuine because he thinks his new lady is losing interest.
I know that Paul’s behaviour with me has changed dramatically, he has become unlikeable.
I am struggling with not only depression and suicide, but my bulimia and anorexia seems to be creeping back again too – but it’s odd, because this time, whenever I eat, it’s painful and that’s why I can’t eat more than six bites a meal these days. I don’t know if it is my normal psychological problems with food or whether it’s a physical problem – but its worrying Paul as well.
I say I am dieting, but it’s not a proper diet. I am barely getting 900 calories on a good day and the main bulk of my diet comes from protein shakes just to get enough protein and calories into my system.
It’s so cold in the house now, we’re struggling with the “Heat or Eat” crisis here in the UK as one of the poorest families in the area, eligible for a lot of charitable help, but not with heating and the food banks are running low because of how many more needy people are in the area – we’re being drowned out by new people.
Paul isn’t like me; he won’t sell things to survive and I can’t make him go to the post office to send things away when he doesn’t want to do that. I can’t do it myself, as I have said before, I haven’t got any money for myself outside my weekly £20 and he won’t let me do anything with that money unless it’s pleasurable for myself in some way.
The cold affects my arthritis badly; I am finding it hard to exercise because of it. Instead I’ve gone back to bed again in the past three days just to keep warm with hot water bottles around me. It’s not a healthy life here.
Is there any wonder then, that when I go to sleep my last thoughts are one of two things – snuggling with Mr Right the dream guy and pretending I am not in this environment all alone, extra realistic nowadays since I got a body length hot water bottle to go next to me at night… or the alternative… Let’s try and never wake up again eh?
So I am giving the universe till April to make a huge change for me, after that, let’s see if I am brave enough to make the cuts deeper because I don’t have access to the pills anymore…
But hey, look on the bright side – at least you won’t have to worry about this sad bitch anymore, huh? No more silly posts about dreams that will never come true, but you have to wait until April to see them stop!
Thanks for reading…?