I am going to update my twitter feed only when I have written towards a novel project in excess of 500 words in a day; because lately that’s a feat in itself, because of the problems going on.
Poems are fine, they are short and they sweet and I generally can write a poem in ten minutes, but long bouts of concentration is not reachable for me at the moment with the stuff going on in the house.
Ultimately a lot of the stuff is mainly quarrels between Paul and Henry; I am not involved because if I speak, it makes it worse. I am just like the piggy in the middle sitting there absorbing this toxic energy feeling helpless and it is affecting my thinking processes.
I am also finding it hard to have my privileges respected, the privilege of watching TV or listening to music – nobody cares what mama wants in this house, mama has to always go without!
Mama is easily forgotten here, even regarding food treats, which is why I have to ask sometimes, or I don’t get. Easily forgotten! Because I don’t have access to household funds, so this mama doesn’t do the shopping! That’s how it is here.
I can’t clean the house, because Paul worries I am overdoing it, although I am good. But he won’t hear of it.
I can’t mediate between their arguments, because they shout louder to drown me out as they are two powerhouses battling each other and the little diplomatic me just gets washed out.
You can see why I feel I have no purpose, can’t you?
I mean what I am here for? I don’t get to do anything, just sit on my ass all day trying to be creative and trying to not to crack. It’s lonely here and is there any wonder why suicide looks so appealing for me?
If I had a purpose, I know I wouldn’t feel this way. But everything I could possibly have to live for has been taken from me. It was great when I had my garden, until the bad neighbour moved in. Now I don’t even have that anymore!
I can’t shut myself out in the garden for hours until it gets dark in all weathers just to feel needed by the plants and wildlife, because I am getting harassed and Paul hasn’t the wherewithal to defend me or say something to the guy! The garden is overgrown nearly by 3yrs now.
It’s just all one big disgusting mess here!
Thanks for reading!