Daily Archives: October 21, 2022

Abstract & hair

Black and white abstract for me today, maybe diamond or dog tooth patterns if I had that type of clothing, but definitely black and white colours today.

I have been learning about the shape of my face this week and I am trying to sculpt it slimmer by using a method called “face yoga”; I am not blessed as I have a pear shape or inverted triangle shaped face.

The reason why I am starting to do exercise and beauty regimes behind Paul’s back is because he discourages a lot of it, only to be surprised at what I’ve done afterwards.  So lately, things are going more underground here – or as underground as I could when you consider I am hardly ever alone. 

I found out that a curled bob would suit my face, so I decided to use my curling tongs to do that – I’ve always had curling tongs but never used them as they were once an unwanted Christmas present.

My first attempt at curling my hair was a failure, because I remembered my mother’s advice about it and Paul learned what I was up to and immediately suggested that this hairstyle wouldn’t suit me and that I was doing it all wrong anyway!

My mother taught me when using these hair irons you have to keep your hair soaking wet and let the tongs burn into your hair until it dries into shape!  YIKES!  I never knew but this was hugely bad advice and probably an evil attempt of hers to make me look worse!

Paul was angry when he heard her advice reminisce by me as I was trying to do it after I washed my hair!

I was also upset that my hair wasn’t staying in shape, to which Paul advised again, you need to use hairspray, love.

Oh.

I asked him how he knew all of this and he reminded me of his days when he was a glamor model photographer and so he knew what went on behind the scenes and picked up a lot along the way!

Paul didn’t look optimistic at my curly bob hairdo, but when it was done he was stunned and Henry just can’t stop touching my hair and hugging me since I’ve done it and I am trying to get into the habit of doing it daily.

I wanted to post a picture of it today, but I didn’t sleep well last night and I can’t get the puffiness out of my eyes, so maybe another day?

It definitely makes my face look less big and cumbersome and has made me look gentler.

I say curly bob, but my hair is about 3 inches longer than my jawline right now and I still have sticky up hair in the middle from the Long Covid alopecia, but never mind, though its less noticeable as the curls kind of  hide it and I pin it down a bit with the spray.

I wished I could afford the money to go to a hairdresser and dye my hair, because I am developing large blocks of white!  Though I’d love to go completely white, but I am forty years old and I just look too young for it right now – I don’t know, I am dithering about it really.

I also need make up, but I just can’t budget that right now, ho hum.

Especially as I have to force myself to save whatever I can because most of my clothes are way too big on me now and I need replacements ASAP, I think I am about a month away from having to go into credit to get clothes that actually fit me!

No other choice for me, sorry to say!

Paul is determined outside of writing and art that he doesn’t want me going out to work but I don’t really know why, he reckons it’s worry because I am sick too often.  But I don’t really know beyond that, why he is so adamant about it.

But there you go, abstract black and white day with beautiful curly bob, and if my eyes weren’t so puffy, you’d have seen a pic of it!

Also, to be honest with you – my depression has been really bad, so a lot of the puffiness could be the crying I’ve done.

Anyway, stop those sympathetic awes and I will see you in my next post!

Thanks for reading!

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Filed under Who am I today?

Toxic quotes

My personal development is increasing exponentially in the past few weeks, particularly in regards to mental strength and adaptability.

My thoughts are starting to change about myself and other people, since I have decided to follow the flow of things and look at things from a different perspective; a perspective of a separate person to myself.

Basically, I have started to detach myself from my own thoughts, because my thoughts aren’t really my own, but the toxic memories of what other people have put into my mind about myself and others.

In other words, my negative thoughts about myself and other people are purely quotes from my suppressors reliving themselves in my mind, time and time again.  The only way around this, is to decide to detach myself from those normal thought patterns and regard myself as a separate being – a being I love and want to protect and nurture.

I have mentioned before, that Mel Robbins has said that when you look in the mirror you need to see your own reflection as a person you love, you need to high five yourself and treat yourself with the love, respect and kindness you would, a relative that is close to you!

This seems to be working a lot for me, also my self-value is changing. 

I still have a long way to go in regards to my confidence, but I am no longer pushing my toxic quotes onto what I think others may or may not be thinking about me. 

For example; I feel I am too ugly and fat to be loved by someone genuine.  This is a toxic quote from many people in society that I have put into my own head and believed for many years.  However, many large people and people who are not aesthetically blessed are deserving of love and are loved by people.  So why am I not saying this to myself more often?

I am worthy of love too and I am presuming that the entire world is shallow with this view and it really isn’t.

I should not define myself by my looks, but by who I am inside.

When you detach yourself from your toxic quotes, you begin to see clearly – you begin to see the pain that you are in and you tend to yourself as you would someone you love and support.  You would never lie to that person, you love them, you don’t say dishonest things to them to just bolster their confidences if it wasn’t true, would you? 

So why should it be any different for us?

Why have we allowed these toxic quotes to brainwash us into believing our self-worth is less than we deserve?

Because we care too much about what other people think!

So we think, it’s all true and it’s not.

Is it fair to believe that someone who is interested in you is really a shallow person with ulterior motives? 

Is that a good way to start a new relationship? 

No it isn’t, you are judging the new person in your life because of your own insecurities and that is unfair to the both of you!

Detach yourself from your toxic quotes when you identify the negative thoughts about yourself and a new person you believe could be judging you, when you don’t really know it’s a fact or not. 

See yourself as an observer of your thoughts and act in accordance to them, as though you are someone you genuinely want to love, support and protect.

These methods are working for me and please believe me when I say, I have had a lot of push and pulling in my head over this, but love is winning as it always does!

Happy reading!

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Filed under Defining myself