There is a problem in my life at the moment; Paul and I are trying to work out how to handle this together, because things are moving faster than the both of us has planned.
It all has to do with the open-relationship we have. Paul has found someone else, this means that we are in a predicament about what to do with me?
It’s not simple for us both to part like any other couple would. Paul is scared this lady might run away from him no sooner had she got to know him more personally and then there is the issue of me.
What’s the issue with me?
I have never recovered properly from PTSD and I have a lot of anxiety issues, self-care issues and I have been struggling with dark suicidal thoughts for a long time. Paul feels it is positively dangerous for me to live alone, at all!
In his mind, even at the loss of his own new found happiness with another woman, he is not happy about letting me move out unless he knows I am going to be cared for by someone who understands what is happening with me and who can take that on willingly.
Sometimes my mental illness can be so bad that I self-harm, but also my physical health can sometimes leave me zoning out at inappropriate times because it’s the way I manage pain. I am also not reliable in medicating myself. I have no mental health medication, it’s all physical. But still, I forget it.
I am also not known to eat and drink regularly and often needs to be prodded to do so. Though Paul often forgets the food aspect himself, I only really reliably eat a dinner every day, every other meal is usually skipped or I just snack.
It’s not as simple as just moving me out and Paul won’t have it. Also Paul has told me, if I found another relationship that is willing to take care of me properly but they then decide that they no longer want me – he wants to just let this be clear, he would have me back here anytime. Which would put a strain on his new relationship, but Paul feels responsible for me, like a father really.
He kind of adopted me when he helped me get away from my parents and he takes this role very seriously.
But there is another problem with this. He also agrees he is not the best person to care for me, because he is so absorbed in other things, he doesn’t have the time to talk to me or snuggle with me like he should. He has also admitted that he feels quite neglectful towards me, because he is absorbed with caring for Henry and being chair of the governors for the local schools.
We don’t share a room anymore and only hug each other to say goodnight or goodbye and he has told me that this is not enough for someone like me who has been attention starved most of her life – but he can’t spend more time with me, because he is exhausted with everything else.
I am only just recovering from a long standing sickness which made me bedbound for nearly nine years. It has only been since Easter that I have been able to move around the house more, do some small exercises and even help a little with chores again.
The notion of just moving away into my own home without anyone living with me is not realistic right now and Paul wouldn’t let me anyway, as its too dangerous for me.
We are also in quite severe poverty, where paying taxi fees to see doctors is an issue. I should be seeing the doctor very regularly, but we just can’t budget the taxi fares without starving ourselves for it!
So, even if I did find someone online to take me on – they’d have to literally go out on a huge limb to get to me and make so many compromises, that both Paul and I are very uncertain anyone is up for the challenge.
So we see ourselves as pretty much stuck together.
What hurts Paul the most is that this new lady of his, really wants to marry him ASAP and she is so much like a former fiancé he had, that died before they got married, thirty years ago.
Paul is twenty seven years my senior. I am forty years old now, Paul also worries that if I cannot find a new relationship quite soon, that I may be alone anyway, because he might die of old age whenever and that scares the both of us, because it is likely at this moment in time – if I were to lose Paul tomorrow for example, I am likely to be made to go into a residential home for the mentally vulnerable and my son may spend a temporary time in welfare care, whilst they make arrangements to a distant cousin.
That’s my situation in a nutshell.
However, it’s not that simple again…
There is big interest in me from a handful of men. I am not leading any of them on as such, just a little friendly flirtation with one or two, but I am not looking seriously. Because I think nobody would be interested in someone like me… not with the problems I have.
Not genuinely and not in a non-toxic kind of way.
I don’t drive, we don’t have a car, we rely on public transport and we can’t afford to travel outside of our town Rugby in Warwickshire and I don’t have a passport.
When I said in the past posts about my isolation in life, I was being VERY sincere about that. Until I met Paul, I rarely went out without anybody being with me. I have always had someone accompany me to places; I have been that badly micromanaged.
I virtually never do anything alone outside the house; the idea is alien to me! It’s alien to people reading this, but it’s normal to me.
My PTSD has never been treated properly because when I refused medication for mental health, the therapist refused to further management of it. I am triggered by tiny things; things which can make me zone out and even lose wads of time, black out or panic.
I am not a social phobia person like my mum would make you believe; on the contrary I am quite an extrovert. I prefer being around large groups of people, I am more anxious in quiet places that are unfamiliar to me or haven’t got anyone familiar in them.
I am more secure when it is an open space with lots of escape routes, because I have experienced a lot of outside violence too, not just abuse at home, but it has to be filled with lots of people as it makes me feel safer in crowds.
What I am trying to say is, I am even nervous alone in my own home. I have always strived to live in places where the idea of being alone will be at its minimum.
A lot of people hate the idea of always having people around them, but for me, it’s what helps me thrive. I need people.
Also I dislike handling people at the door, I would rather someone else deal with them because new people make me anxious, because again, I have experienced a lot of violence even on my on doorstep with people coming in to attack my mum or brothers!
I don’t talk on the telephone either because I am deaf, texting is OK, but most people conveniently forget I am deaf, so all telephone calls are taken on my behalf.
Well, that’s me and my situation.
Happy reading and please understand!
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