A fundamental thing that nobody understands about someone who has been raised in isolation, especially someone like me who didn’t get away from all that until the age of twenty seven is this;
They don’t grasp how difficult it is to understand social cues.
They haven’t experienced being socially isolated to the extent you have no idea about what is socially acceptable, except for the things that they have learned from their oppressors.
That although you have been socially isolated and talk sometimes online to people, you are still clueless about how to interact with people, even there!
You still have your oppressors telling you that emailing a person more than once a week will make you come across as sad and needy, or that they may misread your intentions as flirtation if you talk to them too much!
Though I understand in part that this is untrue, I still haven’t the foggiest about just how much contact with people is acceptable – especially people I hardly know.
That someone like me is likely to make a lot of major social fuck ups, because she hasn’t learned what is normal to society as a whole, not even online.
So, when I slip up, I expect someone to be open with me about how I have made them feel and guide me – not just walk out of my life because I am strange or I am aloof, I seem disinterested, because that isn’t true at all.
I remember a time I met my adult nephew in-law for the fourth time ever in his life, he decided to hug me goodbye but I learned that the hug was uncomfortably long and made everyone feel weird. These simple gestures, I am clueless about!
I believe I have said it before on this blog, that I am really a baby to society and it’s true – though I am forty next month, I still haven’t learned the social basics. I had just three years’ experience of true social freedom before I became bedbound sick for nine years – I am starting from scratch again now that some of my health is stabilising and it’s scary. Because nobody understands a woman of forty who has never socialised enough to know what she is doing!
Believe me when I say I read about twelve books at a time, not at the same time, but around the same time, if you get me? I read a book to ten to thirty pages, then I put it down and pick up another – a majority of these books are self-help books, books about society and culture, body language and how to have conversations with people.
I have learned how to ask open ended questions, either the books are full of shit or the people I have met are more socially awkward than I am, because they just answer with a blunt endings and scoot away a bit from me.
Maybe it’s the type of questions I ask? I don’t know!
But I don’t see how talking about the artwork someone is looking at or generally talking about the school (if collecting my child from it) can cause a reaction where someone would scoot away. It’s not like I am asking “who are you and where do you live”? So it’s puzzling to me.
I generally wait until people approach me these days, because I am new to all of this.
I am way too open about myself to almost everyone, because I am not ashamed of who I am and I have nothing to hide, but apparently that makes people uncomfortable. It’s like I can’t win.
But then again, when I don’t talk much, I get the same reaction, again can’t win!
I genuinely want to know how a person feels, not how tired they are or what the state of their health is like, I want to know if they are happy and comfortable. I want to know how they feel about the artwork they are looking at, what they really do think about the school that their children go to and just generally ask where locally is best to take the children, maybe there is something I haven’t heard of nearby? Why do I get the cold shoulder… is it me or is it them?
I reckon it’s me; it has to be me, because I was the one in social isolation for twenty seven years and rose by a narcissistic and a verbally abusive mother. They have friends around them sometimes, I don’t – so it’s not like they are truly socially awkward, like me.
I bought this up because there are friends online or rather online acquaintances that would be nice to become friends with, however, they talk a lot for an hour or so, then they either never contact me again or it’s a couple of months between. It’s odd to me. I’d have imagined once a week a little line, but not regular every day contact. But sometimes, they decide never to talk again and I can’t help but wonder did I get too personal with them?
I sit back and think; maybe they can’t cope with my changes? Maybe talking so positively and confidently about myself one day and then the next day being a little anxious about things is something that everyone experiences – but for me, it seems to lose friends at a rapid rate. I can’t be positive and confident all of the time, I am only human.
I noticed I get more followers when I am confident and no sooner had I had a post where I am anxious I have lost half a dozen or so.
I am not a robot.
I am a person.
Everyone has those days.
I can’t feed other people’s egos all the time, because I have off days too!
If you expect that, then, maybe you have social issues too?
But right now I am in a state of perplexity and this is why I have become relatively quiet on twitter lately.
If I am not being contacted by depressives who are using me as a therapist in DMs, I am being contacted by scammers pretending to celebrities I follow in their little private account messages.
Thing is, one thing that seems to set me apart from the average person in society is that I can smell a scam and a liar a mile off, because my family aren’t entirely honest folk and I know the tricks people play, because as I was growing up my family sort of prepared me in the form of little games and tricks the family did to each other, to keep our minds sharp about society in general.
I am not very trusting, but when I have been raised in a situation like that, you can understand it! I’ve had relatives do the nastiest social tricks on me over the years, as what they believe is training, that I never get my hopes up about anything anymore. I had the joy of life sucked out of me at a very young age, I can’t trust and I can’t feel excited about anything, because I have been trained that it is usually a ruse or that things are easily cancelled.
So there is no point being excited about anything.
There is more than just socialising I have to learn in my life, so much is ingrained though.
My son and Paul gets excited about things and I just sit there, pan faced and nod and say things like “well it would be nice if it were to happen, wouldn’t it”? They rightfully ask me if I am excited too? Me being blunt and honest as I am would reply “Yes, I’d like it to happen, but I am not too excited, because you never know…” I am sorry I just can’t help it!
I am not a kill joy really, but there are times when I am cautious about good things that when they are actually in process I am anxious, waiting for people to jump out at me and laugh at me for being such a sad bitch who thought it was all going to be perfect etc. It’s happened before, its happened a lot! I find happiness difficult, because there is always someone out to ruin it or make it false, if you understand that?
So, I am a boring person upon reflection. I don’t like surprises because in the past I have learned that anything with surprise in it is generally going to be unpleasant and humiliating.
Well, that’s all I have to say on the matter, because this post is getting too long. But I hope you are all starting to get a clearer picture of who I am and why I am this way!