Visuals & symbolism

Passions are what makes people succeed, a lot of people make presumptions about my passions because they observe things that I allow them to see, but ultimately they are wrong.

I am mostly stimulated by visuals, it is agonising to write, but I have no confidence in my art and drawings. 

People think that being a writer I write because writing is my passion – not so, what drives me to write is the prospect of the art whether in movies or paintings.  I like visuals a lot.  I often speak with Paul about how I wish I was a better artist and a faster one, so that I can draw the scenes I see in my head and then just write snippets of what those images are about.

But in my opinion my art is naff, but my writing is good.

I really want to be the artist behind my graphic novels I am working on, but I just can’t make the grade I have set for myself, for that to make me feel yes it is complete and it is wonderful… you know?

You should know that a lot of people are confident in my ability as an artist, but I am not.  Because my art is not exactly how I see it in my head; my art is too cartoon and manga like, when I want my art to reflect more realism or at least CGI quality.  Talking of which, I don’t do digital art – which would make the CGI concept actually happen, but I am trying to create CGI quality artwork manually! 

I have never learned to do digital art; I wouldn’t even know where to start other than Photoshop.

So yeah, laugh at me, because I laugh at myself regarding this too!  So why not!  Haha!

The writing is wonderful, I don’t fault it much and I am not being cocky either, I am proud of what I have written so far – but I am disappointed in my artistic ability to provide the visuals for it.

For me, writing is a painful and often stressful experience when piecing ideas together – but when I am researching and brainstorming it’s one of the best things ever! 

Writing for fifteen to twenty five minutes stretches, feels like two hours and I often feel drained after doing it, I often need exercise or something to wake me up from it! 

Doing art on the other hand is the only thing in my life where my attention span hasn’t got in the way – for some reason or another I can paint for six hours and then feel that I’ve only done it for half an hour and I always come away from the work feeling happy and energised – the same with music!

Unfortunately I can’t afford my supplies, so I can’t work on art every single day like I really want to!  I just can’t afford it!  I don’t think you really realise just how bad things are for me here, we often rely on charity support and it’s going to get worse between now and November.

Other than visual stimulus my other stimulus used to be sound – but around seven or eight years ago I caught an infection which had permanently reduced the hearing in my only functioning ear, which means there are many sounds I can no longer hear, including certain beats and instruments in my favorite songs on the radio!

I have reduced ability for scent too and poor eyesight without spectacles or contact lenses.  Quite literally I am slowly losing my senses.  Mostly due to the NHS not being able to support maintaining my treatment, which would slow this down!

This is why making a life for myself now is very important, my main goal for trying to earn money via affiliate programs, a YouTube channel, my art etc by the end of this year is to help finance me for private care; where I can have my ear rebuilt, because I need an ossicleplasty to regain hearing from one of my ears as the mastoid infection destroyed two ossicles completely. 

I also need my nose fixed because the hospital didn’t bother to repair the cartilage I broke when I broke my nose three or four years ago and it often shifts out of place and causes pain – but it’s not life threatening so they felt it can wait!  Also I have enlarged adenoids which affect my breathing and sense of smell.

Since I was a kid I wanted to do art movies based on my ideas, songs and poems, but I was lead to believe that you need to be rich to do it. 

I have made online friends through twitter recently which has taught me that it is nonsense, you don’t need to have a single penny to do it and they are showing me how.  I have asked for the course to be paused until September 7th, because I want to concentrate on it thoroughly and it is hard to do so when Paul and Henry are having screaming matches in front of me every five minutes.

It’s exciting to think I can go back to my childhood dreams.

It is also rather a strange coincidence that I am getting a lot of “inner child” symbolism and cues around me a lot lately, including with a YouTube pick a pile tarot reading, which connected the pile chooser to the arts and two decision paths whilst healing the inner child; but also, I am having a lot of bizarre dreams that I am four years old again and I am decorating my house with all the things my childhood self ever wanted, care bears, kawaii stuff – you name it, it’s so weird how this is all connecting together!

I am having a lot of dreams that I am packing boxes ready to move house and that when I get to the new house, I am unpacking things I don’t have, pretty things, things that make me happy, things that a child would want!  It’s like a prediction of abundance and joy!

I hope it is a prediction, because I really need to find my happy place, a place to play.

Happy reading everyone! 

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