I believe my previous post was due to being down in the dumps because whilst Henry is off from school for the summer holidays, I find it impossible to write as much as I want to; therefore, I resent writing much more during those times.
When Henry is out of the house I write, but I have to discipline myself to do it when he is out, that or practising my Italian – I know I should prioritise the writing, but for me, both are just as equally important.
I have got it into my head now that whilst Henry is off from school, even if I write just one paragraph in the day towards my projects, it is progress and therefore I don’t believe I should be harsh on myself for how small the progress is; progress is progress, no matter how small!
But it is easy to fall into the whine trap, especially when you feel desperate to add those snippets you want to towards your work but can’t as it’s hard to concentrate with noise and arguments behind you!
I often find myself leaving the living room to go upstairs to cry, but these days I don’t have much chance to do that because Henry is becoming more controlling lately. He is starting to follow me and he isn’t letting me have much time alone. I understand why he is so clingy lately, but I need my space too!
I know that he knows I am unhappy and I want my own space to the extent I have discussed quite openly with Paul about the concept of me having another home. What I mean is a place of my own, where I don’t necessarily live there all the time; I can’t fully abandon them! Just somewhere I can go to get a break. It’s likely I will only really use this alternative place as once or twice a week retreat to help me do my creative pursuits in an organised and happy place and unlikely I’ll sleep there; as I said before, I don’t like doing anything alone!
At the moment I can’t finance that, I am working on it; like I am working on many things, not just writing several novels to get into publication.
I am working on my health, fitness, diet management.
I am studying really hard how to make movies or do screenwriting and setting up my own YouTube channel as well as entering an amateur dramatics and writing group.
I am trying to get this house in order because it’s falling apart due to age and storm damage.
I am trying to manage the garden in between my neighbour going out, because he is still a problem.
I am trying to manage the problem of toxic people from my past trying to get involved in my life and online haters and it’s difficult, but it’s getting slowly solved.
I am trying so hard to heal mentally and get rid of the dark thoughts of suicide.
Amongst all of this I do know and fully understand that writing has little or no money unless I can make it big… this is a pie in the sky dream for every writer!
So, I am also trying to make a living outside of writing professionally. I am currently self-studying affiliate programs, marketing and so forth – to help me with my other passion; art and also practising art too!
To top it all, I am trying hard to learn how to socialise in a non-weird awkward way, because I have been isolated for most of my life and have been wrongly taught that everyone is aggressive and out to hurt or use you.
I am also looking forward to next spring, when Paul reckons we can most definitely get a dog, a dog will help not only be my companion in the other place, when I get it – but it will also give me the confidence to go for walks alone and a purpose to wake up in the morning, just to walk it!
So much I am trying to do and all at once, because my ultimate goal is to have a life. I’ve not had one yet, really, just existed really, but not lived!
Yes, I feel spread thin, but it all needs to be done, because I can’t put any of it on a back bench, because then I won’t feel whole. There will always be a hollow in me and I don’t like that… I need to feel complete. I need to learn how to be happy and at peace.
I’ve not done that yet. I’ve never ever experienced joy in the true sense of the word. I don’t mean to sound tragic, but it’s true. I don’t really care about financial success or fame; I care about feeling whole and happy. That’s what I care for, that’s what I need! To me that is what success is – success is living the life that makes you feel happy and whole, not what gives you the most material possessions and making strangers in awe of you.
That’s not my goal.
Remember, I am doing this alone, I have little to no support.
I just want happiness, love, and peace and to feel whole and most of all, I want to play!