Working things out

My goal for sending my work out to look for representation in October is still on the cards!  I am determined to do this, but I do feel that I am a little stupid for it.

Not that I don’t think I can do it, I know I can!  But what makes me feel stupid is the fact that these neurological problems seem to be getting worse, far worse…

Motor Neurone runs in my family, but my GP thinks I could have MS.  Yesterday (the 16th August, as this is a pre-written piece), I was standing for a couple of minutes talking to Paul, then I took just one step to get nearer to him and my leg went floppy and I injured my toes and the muscles in the whole of my right foot.  This happens or rather something similar to this has happened off and on for about five years, but never to that extent!

For example, I’d be walking and then momentarily my knees lose strength and almost give way – never actually making me fall, but having near misses.

Along with this, for the past year now I have been having language difficulties.  For the first time since my childhood my stammer has come back and sometimes my lisp, something I thought I got rid of entirely when I was fifteen!

Along with this I am making very elementary spelling mistakes.  Mistaking things a lot even in speech as well as typing them; here are some example:

Wake becomes walk

Book becomes Brock

Lesson becomes lessen

Alright becomes all write

Those are just some examples of what is happening in speech occasionally and this is why, I can’t write on a laptop unless pushed – my laptop is laggy, in fact I don’t get to see what I have typed until the second or third paragraph!

It may not be neurological, but I am scared it is; it could just be stress and lack of concentration because I live in a household where my son and partner scream rather than talk to each other!

Motor neurone has taken the lives of two aunts on my father’s side of the family and my grandad and is ruining the lives of two cousins.

My legs and arms often wake me up at night as they randomly go numb and dead and cannot be used, Paul is struggling with sleep because he has to help rub life back into them again, so I can move!

It’s very scary!

The idea I had of getting independence may literally only be a dream, I may never get the independence I want, because of things like this!

The days I don’t write is not because I can’t be bothered, because I want to write almost all of the time!  But the problem comes when some days my shoulders don’t have the strength to lift my arms enough to be able to type.   Writing by hand is ok if I don’t write more than two A4 sheets worth of stuff, before my hand swells, as I do have rheumatic arthritis!

Paul has been trying to save up for months now to get something called DRAGON where I can speak my ideas onto the computer, so I can write on my bad days – but we’re not even halfway in the savings for that yet – not to mention I desperately need a new desktop PC as my one is not coping since the heatwave!

It’s all scary.  I have these dreams of being a writer/screenwriter and brainstorming for movies and TV series with people eventually, but really my body may let me down and I hate disappointing people.

My intentions are good, my heart is in it and I am raring to go, but my body has other ideas!

Paul and I understand that I have muscle wasting problems with the arthritis and we’ve found a diet to help prevent further muscle wasting, but again, we don’t have the budget for that as we are literally classed as a disadvantaged family here in the UK and often receive charity help.

I am too proud to think about crowdfunding like the lady from a charity has said we should consider, not only that but we’re worried about whether it could be classed as a gift or is it taxable?

Anyways, I am not happy with doing that!

But what I have been thinking about is offering services online soon which will help pay for it, through Patreon perhaps, but as long as it is not glorified begging, I am ok with it!

I have thought about using Patreon to sell short stories to those who donate through it – other options are selling short stories through Fiver or setting up Ebooks on Amazon.

We’re going to figure it out!

I am happy that in other ways, my health is stabilising, that is my breathing, my energy levels, my digestive problems and psoriasis as well as my mental health – all that seems to be stabilising, though it could just be just a long remission – hope not!

So I can then plan to think about doing things outside of the house more; such as, I really miss being involved with amateur dramatics and prop making and I miss volunteer work!

I really miss the musical theatres in particular!

Paul and loads of other people have been trying to encourage me to consider singing as a career, but I am not happy with it as a full-time career as it can be very arduous on your voice overall; they also believe I could be really successful as a voice over, but I have pushed against that as a career a lot, much to the chagrin of American friends who work for radio, one in Kentucky the other in Nevada!

I wasn’t even swayed with a $250 an hour promise.  Are voice actors really worth that much?  If so, wow!  But I didn’t want to move to Nevada and this was offered to me when I was pregnant with Henry and we didn’t experience this kind of poverty back then, had it been offered now, we might consider it – not sure, we’re attached to our little village!

Paul has a three hundred year history in this village that Henry is proud of continuing!

I had thought about selling my voice on fiver, but I am not sure how all of that yet.  Need to do some research into that – but at the moment my writing is priority.

I’ll keep you updated soon about things.

Happy reading!

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