I have set my main current words in progress AD (anthropomorphic dystopian project) to be finished by October 2022 that’s to approach an agent with the work – however, there are many obstacles between now and then which will make this particular deadline hard; I am determined to stick to my word!
One thing is, that I want this story to be destined to be a graphic novel series eventually – at the moment I am writing it as a novel, so then I can see the story easily and re-edit with graphic novel in mind. Whilst this is happening I am studying really hard how to make this work as a graphic novel, by reading books and watching videos on how to.
I am not sure whether or not I need to produce the artwork for this graphic novel or whether or not I should just provide details for an artistic team to do it for me through my agent? But that’s what I am learning for, to find out!
I have to have dental surgery, which could make me drowsy for up to two days, because I don’t do well on anaesthetic and it’s not a normal injection in the gum, because of my anxieties and other health problems, I need to be pretty much out of it entirely!
Also, three days after this dental surgery I have a relative moving in with us on a long-term basis as she needs support through her pregnancy and isn’t confident in becoming a mother. She doesn’t mind that I share this here; she told me she would like that and would like me to document her stay with us so she can then feel confident to create her own blog eventually about her life as a new mother.
So yes, a new baby will be coming into the household around spring not sure of the date yet it’s very early and she won’t go to midwives without my support, she is panicking! This is probably the reason why I am getting broody too lately the idea of babies always does that to me! I always wanted a huge family, but it didn’t work out.
I am partly expecting her not to come because there is another relative who is also offering support, but we’ll see. She wants to come here because she feels that Paul could do with some help around the house because I am getting absorbed in writing and I am often too sick to do much anymore anyway, especially as movement is painful with an enlarged spleen!
We’ll see.
Also Henry is having a lot of hospital visits starting at the beginning of October, there is a huge concern about his health and we’re very worried actually. I can’t say much until October, it really does depend on the paediatrician because they’ve found something in his samples and they want to investigate further.
Whilst we’re unstable with knowing what’s going on with his health, the school he goes to has been hugely helpful in sending Henry out of class regularly for respite and sending him to charity days out for helping him mentally to cope with potential changes in his life and also generally his mental health as Henry is under tremendous stress because my sickness is scary for him at times.
I have a lot of breathing problems and certain other health concerns of my own, which can often mean I can’t eat much in a day without problems! This terrifies him, especially my asthma attacks when I go blue due to lack of oxygen at times and so this is why he goes to Young Carers, Circles Network, Rise CWMind and Forest Schools Association.
Along with all of this he is also struggling with his identity and is generally unhappy about not being able to change from boy to girl whenever he likes; he is trying to find peace with his gender.
It is likely that Henry’s physical health is psychosomatic and bought on by anxiety; in fact the doctor thinks it’s a high chance, but as a precaution he needs further investigation. As I’ve said, there is something in his samples.
It really isn’t the right time to contemplate a new career to start this autumn, but I have planned it for so long Paul has defied me to skip for another year, he wants this badly for me as much as I do.
So doing this at this time will be a very bumpy ride, but I can’t break my promise to myself anymore, I simply have got to do this! I’ll be turning forty this October, October the 3rd, and I truly do believe that life starts at forty! I am determined to make big things happen in my life from here on in, I am tired of putting myself aside time and again.
But you see, it’s not a selfish thing what I am doing, I am doing this for Henry too – my success will smooth out his future that is if I can make myself a success; you can’t succeed without a good team helping you! I am not fool enough to believe I can do it all just because I want it bad enough, I need a team that believes in me and my work or else I can’t succeed can I? Well not to the extent I have in my dreams and I dream big!
Though I am terrified to become a famous face, because I love my privacy too much (as in, not having people in close proximity to me crowding me if they are strangers) and I am prone to extreme anxiety attacks myself, I know in my heart, I really want my work to be out there for people to play with my ideas and to enjoy them.
The idea that people would like my work enough to change their lifestyle for cosplay occasionally, or spend hours of their time absorbed in fantasy worlds I have made for them to play in. It’s an amazing thought!
It’s also exciting to think that people may become inspired because of my work and it will spark something in them to do something just as amazing and big!
It’s wonderful to think that my stories can become movies and plays and that if I am lucky enough to become really popular, those stories could someday become so big in society that everywhere I turn, I could see posters or merchandise of my characters all around me and become a brand almost.
I know it’s egotistical of me, but we all dream big things like this don’t we? Only some aren’t brave enough to grab it by the balls, I don’t want to be one of these people who dream but never chase those dreams down and hold them tight!
I visualise this daily and I do believe in cosmic ordering and it’s an exciting thought. But as I said, I sometimes feel a churn in my stomach when I remind myself that popular things like this tend to make their creators life Hell with personal invasions from both their fans and the media and it puts a bit of a dampener on it a bit.
I know for a fact that if I were to become this famous, I will be regularly in the newspapers for fainting or vomiting publicly because of the stress of it all – I know I am like that now, without the fame aspect as it is! Yes, I am very socially awkward with strangers, but when I am comfortable with someone I can feel too at ease with them – but how on Earth will I get comfortable with millions of people? I will become skeletal with the anxiety attacks as I won’t be able to keep anything down! I’m struggling with that as it is!
Sobering thought really, but as I said, I am a worry wart and I pretty much know that someday my body will cave in and I will embarrass myself in front of a camera by puking up my tense emotions!
Weird thing to admit though, I am don’t have stage fright; I have been known to give lectures to more than fifty people when I was in work and it didn’t bother me like my colleagues. But it’s when people are really physically close to me and I don’t know them, which I get frightened and that makes it worse is, when I am frightened I lose self-control and can slap around a bit to get away! This is because it triggers my post-traumatic stress problems, in the past when people have crowded around me like that and I am not comfortable with them I have been brutally beaten up and so, crowds of strangers just trigger that survival response in me… that’s what is really scary about my anxiety attacks!
Let’s see if I am going to do it by October, or at least by Easter 2023! If not by Easter 2023 I don’t think I could live with disappointing myself again. So it is essential, for my mental health, that I finish my work to send to an agent. I won’t be so hard on myself when I approach agents who reject me and not get my work into the world because of that – but I will be very hard on myself if I don’t at least try!
Happy reading everybody!
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