Monthly Archives: July 2022

Flying wolves don’t follow

You hide behind a rider, riding in the night

You dream of wolves a flying but they are in your soul tonight

You dream of being a cowboy, you dream that you are the king

But I know that in your heart, there is a girl who softly sings

Why, oh why did you leave me?

Why, oh why indeed?

You left me for a dream and then you ignored me

Why did you leave me?  When we were really strong?

Why did you turn away, what did I do wrong?

I say, it wasn’t you it was completely me

I wanted to let you go, so that you could be free

I couldn’t let you see the path that I have now took

Because if you saw the truth, your soul will be shook

You are delicate and fragile; this road is not for you

You have no idea of the dangers if I spoke to you

So please keep away from me, don’t hide behind a mask

I know it is hard for you, but please do this task

For I ride with devils, that will tear your soul apart

Please do not save me, for it will break your heart

Now my song is over, I hope you’ve heard me well

Just keep away from my life because you’ll fall as well

I don’t need a saving, because I am in the right place

I know it’s dark and hellish and full of disgrace

But I need you to stay right where you are

Because you’re far prettier without a scar

So listen to my song

Listen hard and know

That you shouldn’t be around me, so now please go

This was written as a country western song, but it was also written for a friend. Unfortunately we had to part ways because we weren’t good for each others mental health – but some people cling to hope, when there is none. Sorry.

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Foolhardy witches

The curses of humanity is numerous without the curses of the witches who avenge their broken egos

A few harsh words to remind them they are not gods divine

They salivate over the truth; I drink their blood like wine

They try to destroy me but I live forever on

Because I am not like a pretentious mortal who just sit back doing wrong

I’m the real deal honey, so away with your curse; it takes twelve years for it to reverse

How do you feel now?  Do you feel your age?

Do you wish now that you and I never engaged?

I do too, for different reasons than yours, you was so promising but like a fool you curse your mentors

I laugh as I watch you squirm with my words, now you realise that your actions are absurd

I hope you have learned your lesson well

I am still your mentor so show and tell!

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A spider’s suicide note or…

I was looking for something today around the house, looking high and low and then I found a small folded up piece of paper with a dead spider on it.

I paused what I was doing and held my hand up to Paul who was talking to me “wait a moment” I said, “I have to read this suicide note from this spider”!  Puzzled he walked off half laughing. 

I opened the piece of folded paper tentatively to see if it was indeed a suicide note from a spider but it wasn’t!  I was surprised to find an excerpt from a story I decided to abandon for a while.  The spider either died of horror at the bad writing that was on the page or it decided to do a protest suicide to make me re-add this scene into the story, which one is true, I have no idea.

It could be just a case of the spider being in the wrong place at the wrong time and just randomly died on the page, but I like to be philosophical about things.

What do you think was the meaning of the spider?

Thanks for reading!

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Lamentations of a vampire

Don’t be a martyr to your pain dear

It’s not a pretty sight

No awards will be granted to you

You are just a nuisance to the night

A necessary consumption, though indeed you’re inconvenient

The blood sustains immortals I suppose we must be lenient?

I see samples from your neck; do not dare to stain my frock

I can’t stay up all night cleaning; I have to watch the clock

For when the cock crows it won’t be pretty

And I for one should know

That the sunlight isn’t friendly, it really is a foe

But do you need to grumble and whimper and then die?

Why can’t you live forever, like a continuous supply?

Hah, I suppose you could if I let you

But then you’d compete with me

I do not like to share my food, I eat it completely

Oh there you go, softer you cry

Your life is fading well

I just wished the other ones won’t scream at first, it’s Hell

It gets tedious when you know, how each and every one of you will go

But I need your blood its true, yes, I should know

How lonely the night is now you have to go

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My pet tongue

The ladies were so nice yesterday who pulled my tooth out and did my filling, unexpectedly nice – in the past I haven’t been so lucky with dentists, but this is a good team!

It is a weird feeling losing a front tooth, your lip gets sucked into the mouth more and you realise something rather odd, that this particular tooth was the tongues favourite cushion.

I feel sorry for my tongue like it’s some kind of sentient pet, but there you go.

So this is just an update, I didn’t die or have any complications – so you can rest easy now!

But I am most definitely a bleeder!

Happy reading! 

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I need a place

There are people who love me but they are not close

There are people who judge me without knowing me, the weirdos

There are things I know but I just can’t explain

Perhaps this is what it means to be insane?

I see things that aren’t really there

I hear voices that seem to really care

I know a place that I call home

But it doesn’t exist, so I continue to roam

I am awkward and I’m not at peace

I wish that life would just ease

I need to know where I belong

I need find others to sing with, who understands my song

I am lonely and I want to be

Completely and utterly without adversary

I need a place to call my own

I need my dream life before I’m a crone

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Today I am having tooth surgery

I’m having dental surgery today, because I am known for severe anxiety attacks and I have asthma, I am going to be going under anaesthetic for it.  I am having a tooth extraction and a filling; because I broke one tooth on a chicken bone and the other I don’t know how that got damaged. 

Before anyone judges me, no I am not in the habit of crunching down on bones (though I do a lovely bone broth) – this was meant to be a chicken pate in a burger I had a couple of years back but there was an unexpected bone in it which broke one of my front teeth when it got stuck between them and I tried to get it out myself, because my former dentist couldn’t see it!

There is a good thing about this, you are probably horrified – it’s a front tooth how can you be so positive about it?  Because I had a double set you see and I was never confident about having that tooth there anyway, now the dentist I have reckons we could try and train the other tooth to close the gap – yes I am nearly forty but it looks like I am going to be getting braces soon! 

So for the first time in my life – well after the gap is filled up with my other tooth, I could smile in the future with ease.  I was always self-conscious about my teeth and was never inclined to toothy grins! 

My top set are good, they are nice and I am proud of them, but my bottom set was always too untidy looking and I was never confident in the past to sort it out.

Now with this problem tooth gone, I will feel a little more confident, especially if we successfully close the gap with the spare tooth.  If we don’t, then the other option is to have that spare one removed and get a bridge.  When that is done, I will be so much more confident and my next step to personal confidence will be to try out contact lenses!

I have to admit I am terrified today, because I do react to anaesthetic badly and I take much longer than the average Joe to wake up from it.   I remember when I had an epidural when I was giving birth to Henry, my legs should have got feeling back within three hours, or so the midwife said, but I took eighteen hours before I could walk again!

So, with that being said – I am not going to be doing any live for potentially two or three days from now, because I am likely to be like a zombie after that!

No social media for three days I think!

There will be posts on this blog daily still, they are pre-planned, in fact I am talking like this is a live conversation today… it isn’t, this was actually composed on the seventeenth of July.

I will take pictures before the tooth is removed and later on, when I have closed the gap I will show a before and after – but I won’t do it before then! 

Thanks for reading!

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Things you shouldn’t say to a vampire!

I like you, up to a point!

You’re a bloody nuisance!

Fancy a steak?

Bite me!

Fangs for the memories

You need to go out and catch some sun!

You’ve got bats in the belfry!

Have you seen yourself lately?

Whatchya fancy to eat?

Once bitten twice shy!

Stick it to the man!

I want a shish kebab

I think I’m bleeding!

Bloody Hell!

Fancy a bloody Mary?

I’m cross with you!

Have you ever been baptised?

You’re my wing man!

Occasionally I find you a bit loopy!

You look like death warmed up!

You’re cold hearted!

Amorte!  “to death in Italian”

Should I open the curtains and get a bit of sun in here?

Do you fancy a nibble?

You suck!

Lap it up!

You’re very hypnotic

Blood is thicker than water!

You’re my battle companion! 

It’s of a grave concern

Tomb it may concern! 

I love you to death!

I’m going to break your heart!

Neck and neck!

You’re pulling on my heartstrings!

I’m bored to death!

Upon reflection isn’t a sigh of relief for you to know that my vampire stories aren’t comedies!  My vampires are part of my dark fantasy and horror works, they were not meant to be humorous, but me being me, I can’t help but think of fun things regarding my vampires from time to time – but this stuff doesn’t really belong too much in my personal vampire series. 

I have thought about having a separate comedy vampire series I’d like to write, but I really am unsure of taking that plunge due to the amount jokes already in the genre – many I have used above!

Thanks for reading!

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Books saved me from crime

I haven’t been raised to be who I am, I was raised to be something quite different and I fought against that system heartily because it felt wrong, corrupt and somewhat evil.

I read ferociously, reading was my weapons against self-destruction.

I am glad I took the quiet path and found solace within the pages of books – because the other path would have been a huge detriment to myself, my life, any offspring I had and perhaps a loss of art from my perspective – because the alternative path would have been a life of sordid means and running away from problems, skipping town to town to avoid being tracked by my past abusers and potentially I would have followed one of my older siblings into a life of crime.

Instead the path I took was a weird one, for the type of family I was raised in.

My mother often told me she was disappointed that I appeared to be some kind of flake, some kind of weird little creature who sat in dark corners reading books and seemed alien to what she said was a normal person’s idea of fun!

So what did my mother think was a normal person’s idea of fun?  Going out Friday and Saturday nights drinking themselves into a stupor with your friends, gorging on take aways and BBQs wherever possible and bothering the doctor about your strange back pain, without telling your doctor that you recently fell off a balcony with an 8ft drop because you were too drunk to realise what you were doing!  Oh but that’s not all, pick on the quietest person in your group and make them do things they’d never do without your cajoling and bullying – oh such fun!

Then on Sundays spend all day cleaning the house whilst worshipping God in the form of watching biblical movies in dead silence. 

If it wasn’t for books I would have successfully ran away by the age of fourteen, I knew at that age the only people who’d help me on the street were the bad kind and I was near enough prepared for it because I needed a way out.  I knew from past experiences of other women in my life that once you are in that kind of life, it is hard to get out of it, but I very nearly took that chance.  Thought that maybe I’d earn my way out, but you never do.  The big kick which knocked sense into me was that I had a cousin who had the same notion – only she had the guts to actually do it and came back home in tears, black and blue and with a new found drug addiction only a year older than me, she didn’t know, like I did back then, that it’s not only sex they get you into for money, but drugs too and in order to sell it, you have to take it yourself like a good sales person.

Fifteen years down the line, it killed my cousin. She was murdered when she was clean of drugs for nearly 2yrs as an effort to win her kids back from welfare and stumbled across her old dealer who was desperate for her to buy again! It could have been me, if I chose the same path.

Drugs was a big issue for me, because I saw the damage it did to several of our relatives growing up, drink and drugs are bad, very bad, it changes people heads, make them do stupid things and then they fall apart in tears because they genuinely didn’t meant to ram your head into the wall fifteen times, they were just stressed that’s all!  So I never wanted to experiment or be lead into it.  Several near misses though of people trying to sneak it into me, but I was paranoid around strangers and never accepted food or drink from anyone just in case!

No, after what happened to my cousin I decided to stay as the quiet one of the family, lock myself away in my room because if I didn’t, I’d usually end up the night’s entertainment!

They treated me like a circus freak, something to poke fun out of, to test, experiment with, to scare, to have a laugh with her, see what she’ll do next, like some kind of trained monkey or puppet.

Despite all of this, they still had the audacity to call themselves god fearing Christians!

If it weren’t for books, I wouldn’t have wanted to be a writer.  Because I thought movies were just movies, people playing pretend and they made something good together; it didn’t occur to me until I watched several Stephen King movies with my horror loving grandma that I kept seeing in the credits “written by Stephen King” over and over again in most of the movies I watched.  I knew when I went to markets and charity shops that Stephen King books were everywhere and I decided to collect and read them at the age of 9.

My grandma was very encouraging – another horror fan in the family made her feel less lonely.

I realised at the age of nine most books I liked were movies and that movies very rarely come from other places; I liked movies and I wanted to watch my ideas on the TV or at the cinema.  I wanted the world to visually see what I see in my head or at least adaptions of it.

Books are a love – but mostly I love movies, I am very stimulated by vision and art.  I learn better with visual cues for example – I have mild dyslexia and dyscalculia as well as ADD and Paul thinks ADHD.  If something visually pulls me, I lose concentration on other things because of the interest it holds.  This can be difficult at times because I can zone out on people if I find something visually attractive about the environment around us, fashion, hair, or even a beautiful person – now that one can be awkward!

So, I am really writing in the hope that my books make it to the movies and if they don’t then I have a plan B.  I will give my first book out to publication and if there is no interest from movie producers to make something of it, then I will have to bore myself to tears to learn technology where I can create my own movies online.  How?  I don’t know, but I hope it won’t come to that!

One major type of book that saved me from a life of sex crime etc. was non-fiction psychology.  From the age of 9 I taught myself how to pacify aggressive people without becoming too submissive or self-deprecating, how best to react in violent situations and how to talk to angry people.

Now it works to a certain extent on a vast majority of people and I have been commended in work for excellent customer service and hospitality skills, but there is a small margin where the advice can actually make some people more aggressive with you – my mother is one of those.

If I didn’t emotionally react to her behaviour with me, she’d get absolutely hysterical, come close into my face screaming and then slap me repeatedly about the head, because damn it, she is going to get the reaction she wants because she needs to feel her power over me!  Because she is insecure, that’s all, my fear and tears make her happy, because it verifies to her that she is strong and she is still alpha.

It wasn’t until my mastoid surgery when I was seventeen that she was positively shitting a brick about hitting me, because I have a vulnerable spot at the side of the head would could be lethal if bashed.  So she tried other tactics to hurt me in other ways, usually the legs.

In 2012 it was a book called “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward that helped me finally tell someone outside of the family and family friend circle about my mother.  They responded in horror, they were a nursery worker for my son Henry.  They got me a nurse and a family support worker to come and speak with me and then the police came to give advice too.  Unfortunately their advice was, get her out of your life or it may affect your ability to care for your son appropriately, meaning that we could take court proceedings to put your son into care until we feel that you are safe!

Because my son did sustain a head injury earlier on that month due to my mother encouraging him to do dangerous things, such as deliberately climbing onto the dining room table to jump off it onto the floor, he was 14 months old and had only been walking seven weeks!

She didn’t want me to have children, you see, it wasn’t part of her plans.  She wanted me to stay home forever and become her nurse when she is old; she told me this over and over as I was growing up.  I accepted it, because it’s what daughters do, but mothers tend to want their daughters to thrive, be independent and happy in their own right too and usually good mothers want their daughters to expand their family, don’t they?

She didn’t.  She didn’t want what she called “more problems” that came in the form of new family members – she didn’t want me to go out alone and make friends, because she liked to micromanage my every waking moment.  It was hard for her to allow me to go into full-time work and she’d often sit in her car all day long outside my work place waiting to see what happens, if I leave early etc.

On some occasions I was ten minutes late in leaving the building because my boss required extra work, my mother would embarrass me by making a visit to the building demanding to know where her daughter is and how they can’t push me around into doing more than my times worth!

I often lost jobs because of her.

Because I knew how she liked to micromanage me and because I wanted to be a good daughter and keep my head down and please her the best I could, until I could convince her to allow me freedom and a family of my own – I decided to talk with her about me becoming self-employed with homework of some description, there was always an issue for her and that never worked.  Because she would become obnoxious when I was on the telephone (up until 2015 I had perfect hearing in the left ear), so keeping those jobs was a task too.

She revelled in telling people about how lazy I was, how she is stuck with a quiet reclusive freak of nature that is eating or starving herself to death periodically and has no enthusiasm for life whatsoever.  Not true, I had no enthusiasm for the life she wanted for me.

I had a lot of ambition until I gave up wanting.

When I was twenty seven I left her to move in with Paul, it was done sneakily but I had to do it that way.  By thirty I had to stop all contact with her, because she is a respected matriarch in the family that meant I had to say goodbye to everyone except for a small handful of relatives on my dad’s side of the family.

She would never know or appreciate that all I ever wanted in my life was for me to be considered a daughter that was good enough to stick around and help as much as I did.  Good enough to trust out alone, good enough to get chores done, good enough to deserve a good husband and family of her own and good enough and trustworthy enough to be humane enough to want to care for her mother if she ever needed it.  I didn’t need to be moulded and abused to do that, but she didn’t understand and I don’t think she really cares.

Because I messaged her in 2014, two years after not speaking to her and I said to her – I am willing to forgive and forget everything about the past, if she is willing to tell the truth to others about how my life was like and repair my reputation in the family and secondly I’d come back into her life if she could allow me to take full charge of my own life because after all I am a woman of thirty now with my own child – she said no, she won’t do that.

I said well just give me permission to live life how I want and I will work it out with the others myself.  No, she said, I won’t do that Tina, because I don’t agree you know what is best for you and as far as I am concerned, you don’t need that permission really, what are you playing at exactly?!

So I said to her – are you telling me then that I have got you wrong?  That you’ve always allowed me to make my own decisions and you never intended to interfere?  No she said – I never said that and you know what Tina, this is the end of the conversation.  I leave the ball in your court, come or go as you please, but I won’t change – I stand by the fact that you haven’t a clue about life and that you are a stupid, stupid girl and as far as I am concerned I wish you never have any more children, you made a stupid mistake when you decided to keep that one! (This was in reference to my Henry who was planned and is very much loved)!

I also wanted to point out, that the message came about because I wanted to tell my mother that I was hospitalised with an ectopic pregnancy and how my plans for a large family could be over and I was feeling suicidal over it – because all I wanted in life was to be a mother of a large brood.

Books have helped me heal from that too… books are magic aren’t they?

Thanks for reading! 

P.S my idea of fun is… picnics or eating out at buffets or country pubs with a large group of family or friends, rowing on a lake, visiting a zoo, playing with dogs, doing messy arts and crafts with kids and playing pretend with my creative and kooky friends, oh and swimming, I love swimming and gardening or being in a beautiful garden that isn’t overlooked! That’s the light side of me… there is a dark side too… What does that part of me like?

Once again friends or family around me, snuggling down with a horror movie – watching thunderstorms, creeping people out, telling a good story, having sex and generally being my weird self!

And guess what!  No drink and drugs for any of that is there? Well, erm, maybe the pub lunch eh?

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The vulgar subject

People sometimes ask me if I ever became successful, what would I spend my money on? 

I have answers to that, but first I want to ask why do people believe that just because someone has become rich for whatever reason, that for the rest of their lives all they will ever do is try to spend it and that they must and often do so? 

It’s just puzzling, because for me, I have known rock bottom poverty and the idea of squandering money when I get it, is not something that I am comfortable with!  Though saying that, I do resent having money when I know someone else is suffering and I tend to give generously when I do have it – never privately, I do it through charities and campaigns, because I wasn’t always poor you know?

It’s a weird thing about life and me, my relationship with money has always been boom and bust to both extremes.

Now for what I tend to do when I get lucky.  I tend to gift people I haven’t been generous to for a while, such as close friends and family if it is a special occasion and I tend to splash out on a nice group meal either cooked at home or out.

My next tendency is to buy things to improve my pets quality of life and things for my garden; then books in my “to buy list” and then little curios from spirituality shops, like crystals, mythological ornaments, tarot cards and Feng shui specific things.

I reckon if I won the lottery in life or literally win the lottery, my ideas would be to get myself a bigger menagerie of pets (domestic and small farm ones only) and a property with a lot of land so I can practically live outdoors in my edible forest garden, whilst playing with crystals and tarot cards and making miniature worlds with miniaturisation hobbies, I can never afford to get into currently.  I love miniatures!

I am also with Henry in the idea of all these train sets, purely for the joy of making miniature worlds for the trains to go through and little towns scattered here and there – if I had the room and the money! 

I don’t intend to grow up, I am and always will be childish and playful and for me its bills first, then fun then education then I will contemplate other grown up things like clothing and furniture. 

Weirdly enough, clothing is something that is way down on the list, despite my love for fashion!  I love fashion, but only if it’s not too expensive and only if it’s comfortable and I like it – comfort is essential above everything else, I don’t like to suffer whilst looking good!  I do like big brand names like Moschino and Alexander McQueen, but I look at the price tag and I think… well… don’t be stupid, the amount of beautiful giant crystals I could get with that or a lovely playhouse for the rabbit in the garden for the summer, or Henry a lovely trip at Severn Valley and yet another Hornby trainset special edition I could buy instead!

I’ve never understood the people who say enjoy your life, spend 10k on a dress and get yourself a yacht and go on five holidays a year mind-set!   A yacht would be wasted on me as I get home sick after five days away, after two weeks of being away I have more or less rooted myself elsewhere and don’t want to go back.  It’s the gypsy in me; my maternal grandmother was half Romany, hence the love for crystals and tarot –she taught me when I was 7yrs old – they say don’t teach kids that before that age as they are not strong enough to fend off spirits who may try to make changelings out of them!

This is the same grandma who watched horror movies with me and wrestling, as I was growing up – she was a cool gran, but completely and utterly non-domestic, couldn’t cook to save her life, in fact she’d daren’t cook, it was safer not to!  A complete anomaly to her gypsy roots, where every woman polished their brasses daily and knew umpteen recipes off by heart!

But I think the most lavish thing my money would ever be spent on is lots of temporary homes everywhere I am likely to visit regularly, just so I don’t get home sick, if that makes sense? 

The second elaborate thing would be 5k on giant crystals or getting a new pony or a goat, but other than that – I am pretty simple in my hopes and dreams for life.

All I really want is The Garden Of Eden; a lot of love from lots of close relationships, good food, lots of snuggles with animals and wildlife in the garden, freedom to be myself and peace.

Once I have that, I will feel in paradise and I won’t need to die.

I’m a natures child who is very kooky, playful, childish, sensitive, have too much love to give and who needs a garden of organic edible wonder, an animal enthusiast and a tardy creative, because I get side-tracked in my daydreams.  But I am also fierce and passionate and I hate injustice and ignorance and I was the kid who got beaten up because she saved the other ones who weren’t strong enough by taking the blows for them – that’s me, nothing more and nothing less!

Happy reading!

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