I am still going through the process of trying to define myself and I am not doing so with confidence, in fact, I feel like I am dragging myself along in a clueless manner and I am frightened of embarrassing myself, but I am trying to overcome that fear!
One of the major things is my self-image, how I look; because in my mind I am hideous!
I feel that my eyes are too squinty when I smile and I am embarrassed by that and that makes me feel a huge pang of guilt, because my eyes are an inheritance of my Singaporean and Vietnamese ancestors. Henry has also inherited these eyes.
I have always been bullied for my squinty eyes or my cunning, sly looking eyes and I have always been called a snake in the grass etc, before a person even knows me – because a lot of peoples first impressions are – those eyes look untrustworthy as they seem too stereotypical of those characters of cunning and sneakiness.
Even my own mother has hated my eyes for apparently having this ulterior motive undertone to them and she has often called me a sneaky girl because of it. Primarily because she knows it hurts, as people at school often point out my eyes and call them weird.
I love the colour of my eyes, but not the shape, I am very proud of having the almost rare green eyed gene.
Another thing I hate is my general face shape; it is an inverted triangle, one of the worst shapes in the world in my opinion, because no matter what your weight is, you will always have a fatter looking face!
I have never really got the hang of shaping my eyebrows either – I have never really had any feminine role-models to personally help me hone my self-preening skills. They have only been the people I could find with a similar face shape on YouTube, but no one to really guide me on a one to one personal level and I don’t feel confident enough to approach professionals, especially with my more than limited budget.
To make matters worse, I am suffering from malnutrition due to a digestive problem I have and this is starting to cause alopecia – which I am getting very self-conscious about. This digestive problem is making me lose a lot of weight and is making me eat only eight hundred calories a day on average, a good day I will eat as much as eighteen hundred calories in a day – this has meant in the past six months I am losing an average of two or three pounds a week!
Because of the weight loss and lack of money, I am struggling to buy clothes that look half decent on me, I have got used to wearing over-sized stuff, because I just can’t budget new clothes anymore!
I look a mess and so I have been dawdling about updating my latest profile pic, due to all of these embarrassing factors that are happening in my life!
I have also tried my best to use YouTube tips in putting make up on for the picture update – but I think I look like a clown!
So many people are curious as to what I look like now and I will show you two pictures! The first picture is of me in 2018 and the next picture is of me today (or rather when this post was written – 11th June 2022)!
In the 2018 picture, there is a large mark on my face which has now gone completely, it was a skin cancer scare – a scare, because it wasn’t that at all, but a wart, lol, its gone now! I found out by accident when I starting to clean my face with aloe vera and witch hazel daily, it faded within six weeks!
It’s likely I will lose another forty pounds between now and the emergency consultant assessment date.
Though its worrying Paul, I am taking advantage of it whilst I can by trying to make myself exercise and tone up the excessive skin I am getting because of it – because let’s tell the truth, I was obese in 2018 – I am thankful for that, because imagine what I would look like now if this happened and I wasn’t!
What makes matters worse is I have a history of eating disorders that the doctors are aware of, which makes them feel it could be self-inflicted again.
When I am sad and miserable, I don’t eat (and go into anorexia and bulimia quite easily).
When I am angry or stressed and under pressure I compulsively eat and occasionally become bulimic.
When life is OK or I am happy – I eat regularly but I nibble rather than eat good sized meals.
I also have a history of having aggressive feeder abusers, which made me obese – as well as my mother having the attitude of eat this or starve mentality with me to the extreme, basically if I refused to eat what she gave me, no matter what it was or how regular she was feeding me, she would then cut out food for the next day or make access to food difficult. What I mean is, if I didn’t finish everything on the plate, she would think that the next day I wouldn’t want anything either, sometimes mealtimes were timed, this meant I ate fast! This meant that my body had an unstable dietary schedule, which meant anything I did eat turned instantly to fat because it never knew when I would be made to starve again.
This stabilised for the first time in my life since living with Paul. I was also struggling to eat less calories than I was used to, when I used to be athletic and active. I needed an average of 3k calories a day sometimes 4.5k calories, otherwise I would black out due to not eating enough fuel. When I became sick and could no longer exercise the weight started to pile on again, though I was away from my mother’s influence and I had to relearn how to eat normal portions whilst becoming involuntarily sedentary due to sickness.
Thankfully living with Paul I was able to eat at my normal speed, which is actually very, very slow! I am always the last at the table to finish a meal!
When I ran away from my mother the last time in 2009 I was 305llbs in weight at 5ft 8!
When I broke from my mother entirely in 2013 I had exercised and dieted down to 190llbs at 5ft 8 and generally looked muscular and slightly chubby, but nothing near how I was!
In winter of 2014 I got badly sick with a chest infection that never really healed fully and other ailments came on, I started the steady process of gaining weight due to becoming sedentary.
By 2018 I became 258llbs due to becoming sedentary because of illness, but never eating any more than 2100 calories in one day.
Now I eat an average of 800 calories and twice a week 1500 calories and I am losing a steady 1 to 3 pound a week in weight, still sedentary due to sickness!
Paul is worried, but I understand from a medical point of view, it is also necessary though concerning.
The features I am most proud of are my eye colour and the fact that I have an unusually tiny waist, even for someone who is considered big! I also have strong looking legs that go all the way up! Some rude people call them hockey legs, but most men I have dated in the past reckon that my legs are one of my best features as well as my waist.
I have an hourglass shaped body.
I am not confident yet to show a full length picture, but I am working on getting this done by Christmas – when I would have no doubt lost a lot more weight due to sickness.
I am not deliberately starving myself – I just can’t physically eat more than half a sandwich worth of food without pain more than three times a day anymore and I don’t mean to make you all feel sick – but I can’t keep it down if I push more than that down myself.
I had to remove some cousins from my social media a few weeks ago who insinuated that it is bull-shit that I have an illness and this is happening to me, because in their opinion I must have had a secret bariatric surgery or something, because it shows all the signs – but no, I haven’t!
Unless I was kidnapped by body conscious aliens and had it done in my sleep one night, which I somehow doubt!
These are the main health concerns I am having recently, along with my neurological problems and my breathing issues which seem to hinting at COPD and MS, but we’re not clear yet to be honest!
So here are the photos below… enjoy… or not… but please keep negative comments to yourself!
Though make up tips would be a huge help!
Thanks for reading!
P.S Sorry for the nightmares!