I have had ever decreasing health since 2013, little by little my body has taken more and more of life out of me; each day there is something new I can no longer do, or I have to get used to.
Today I woke up fighting, literally, fighting for breath as I coughed up copious amounts of thick white mucus, something I have unbelievably gotten used to in the last five years and though my throat was raw, I avoided my first beverage of the day for nearly ninety minutes, because I knew it wouldn’t stay down.
I got angry with myself for being like that and knowing that this mucus will take a couple of hours to clear and it was getting in the way of what I really wanted to do, I started to move around the house, clasping onto furniture as I struggled for breath, to try and get washed and dressed in spite of it.
I noticed something I never noticed before; my mucus was clearing faster but in bigger globules and although for tens of seconds I couldn’t breathe at all, it was coming at a faster rate.
I woke up around 10am, I didn’t sleep until 5am; I managed to get downstairs by 11:25am, something which in recent months is very unusual! I wouldn’t be downstairs until 1:30pm on average, simply because my lungs would dictate the course of the day.
This could be a one off (I have plenty days like those), but it could also be something that could make me function sooner rather than later in the day if it is not a one off.
I was happy that by 12:30pm I could contemplate breakfast, or rather lunch as it really would be to normal everyday healthy folks. I felt my chest had cleared enough to keep something down – another thing which is getting more and more debatable as years go on. I am losing a tremendous amount of weight, size and muscle mass because of the sickness.
So, I made tomatoes on toast with some black pepper corns. I wasn’t sure I’d eat two slices of toast, but strangely I did today and I kept it down. What is more, was the fact that I ACTUALLY MADE IT! I washed, cut, sliced and fried those tomatoes myself with no help at all, I insisted. Things went well but then I got a little cocky after lunch had settled down and I attempted to do more.
I decided, you can’t get decent sauerkraut from the supermarket, it has to be homemade! I wanted sauerkraut with my chicken in a wrap and salad tonight for dinner – I had that too. But I didn’t complete making the kraut myself. I cut the vegetables and surprised at how weak and out of practise I was doing it and it hurt, it hurt a lot, especially the kneading of the salt into the cabbage and carrots for enough time to make enough brine for it to be storable.
Halfway through making the brine, I broke out into a cold sweat, really bad cramping pains overtook both my shoulder blades and my heart started thumping hard and I felt dizzy. I had to go sit down and Paul had to finish the kraut for me after he took my temperature, which was 35.3, unusually low as my temperature usually sticks to around 36.8.
The pain was quite bad but it subsided after fifteen minutes rest, I nearly felt the need to go to the hospital!
I am angry and depressed I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do today, even if I have done more today than I normally would do in a day since 2019. My life has been completely sedentary since autumn 2019, purely because I am getting sicker and sicker. Paul is scared, but he doesn’t take me seriously when I honestly tell him, that I personally think I am dying!
I have no proof that I am, but with how I struggle to do the little things now, it makes me wonder?
I am writing this in bed at 00:33am, the day is now over and a new day has already begun.
I have been dreaming recently of large pumpkins with white bottoms and dreaming that I am dying and being made comfortable by a strange bald headed man. Whether or not I am scaring myself about my health that it’s making me dream such things or whether or not the dreams really do have alternate meanings – who knows? I read up online that kabbalists take dream interpretation very seriously and it is a fine art – my two types of dreams mentioned above, both mean similar things. It means that I am metamorphosing, changing, it’s a positive change, a renewal, recognition perhaps or success? Medical help could be on the way and my life could change through that, or I will develop a new coping mechanism for what is going on with me?
Who knows, but if the kabbalists say it’s positive, I hope they’re right!