Daily Archives: November 16, 2013
I am falling into hell
I cannot see, the end to my tragedy
I am falling into a well
Of heartache and pain, loss and no gains
I am just bleeding
Into an eternal damnation
In a place where I’ll never play again
Into a place where I’ll never mend
I will just fade away
My plans for after Christmas are to find distance or online courses to learn how to read music and actually start becoming proficient in a musical instrument that’s not piano/keyboard based; this is because my interest in song writing and composing is becoming almost unbearable to ignore, particularly as I don’t have anyone in my life who’ll cause me stress anymore (other than a 3yr old son, but he’s sweet and easily worked around).
I have found a new instrument that takes my interest and I hope I am lucky enough to do a part exchange with my electric guitar to get one, but I’ve heard to find one even in a music shop is rare, the instrument is… a crystallaphone, or as some people will know it as a glass xylophone; however it’s very likely that I’ll end up with a left handed electric guitar as a replacement (as I didn’t take my disability into consideration – my left hand has short tendons).
I am still heavily interested in watercolor painting and sketching, but I have put that on a back burner since I’ve been ill for the last three weeks, also the house needs organizing as I need to prepare a workspace for the art and the music I would like to take up. I am slowly introducing myself to small chunks of work a week, roughly two hours a time, three days a week to settle into it because I am regularly ill, hence the unemployment I am in, I can’t hold a job down, not even a voluntary placement these days. The mind and heart is willing but the body will not comply.
I need to find something that I can do from home but does not require me to use the telephone (not because I am unsocial, but because I have fluctuate hearing and regular ear infections that even an amplified phone is useless with) and despite this being the age of texting, not a lot of professionals or customers like communicating with staff via text only and most forget your hearing problems because when they talk to you face to face and you respond (because you’re an excellent lip reader) they think oh it’s not so bad.
Yes I know it’s strange that a person who has regular hearing problems wants to compose music, but there’s been others out there who have done it proficiently, so why can’t I? I believe I am right in stating that Beethoven was stone deaf wasn’t he? And one of the bee gees, he was like me, partially hearing, wasn’t he? And their music is great, isn’t it?
I don’t want to be a singer, I couldn’t take the commitment there because I never know when I am going to be sick and most of my sickness is based around practically all the aspects of the ear nose and throat, which doesn’t help for a singing life. When I was younger I trained in opera but after the age of 12 I couldn’t sing it regularly enough to be considered talented in it, because I developed regular mastoid infections which needed regular operations etc. and singing became quite painful for me literally.
So with that said, I am trying my best to make myself a creative life and I hope that when things take off I find people who are sympathetic to those who have health problems and will help me work around them in a non-stressful manner.
In the land of dreams I’m floating
In the world of woes, I died
But at least I’m free, when floating
Now I can see your lies
I am free from them now
I can see a new life calling me
I am in rebirth
I’ll know you
I will never forget the pain
I will always feel your distance
This protects me from your games
I am floating, in my land of dreams
I cannot hear my past screams
I am here in the world
As a new girl
Living a new life as fate deems