Daily Archives: April 27, 2013

lost in emotions (a poem) ?

Where I go, I feel everything

Where I’ll stay, no one knows

How true is love and miracles?

When there’s no place to go?

I need my friends

I need an end

I need hope

I need forever loving

Don’t lead me astray

Just lead me to a place

Where dreams can come true

I need this, I need you

© Tina Cousins 2013

The above was written just a few moments ago, I am going through a very dark few months.  My family has had a lot of bad luck and a lot of skeletons in closets are starting to fall out, it’s destroying the extensive family and it’s literally killing the younger members of the family.

A fortnight ago I lost my cousin, she was only thirty years old and she had four kids.  My brother was very close to her; in fact they lived next door to each other and shared dinners regularly as he was supporting her as a single mother, despite having his own family to care for too.  I heard news that my brothers depression has got far worse that he attempted suicide last night, thankfully he was unsuccessful but up until two hours ago he was unable to breath independently, unfortunately we live too far apart that I couldn’t be with him and I only got the news an hour ago.  The machines were turned off and he is now breathing without assistance, which is a blessing.

I have also been diagnosed with manic depression a few months ago as well, so my mood goes up and down like a yo-yo and I have been told that it could be the depression which has caused a lot of my long-term illnesses to get worse and I am in a vicious cycle of poor health and depression feeding off each other, if you understand me?

It’s a big blow to me because up until an hour ago I was feeling really happy and I thought I was getting over my depression as I’ve been on a BIG high because of this blog and because I was treated to a new wardrobe of clothes last month and I started to do myself up again, taking an interest in my appearance again, which has been non-existent for a year now. 

Needless to say I’ve been in tears, but I have got to a point in my life I talk endlessly about things as my coping mechanism, I am not one to mope around in silence.  I’ve done that for years, it made things worse; weird enough talking about things so openly is better therapy for me.

I have no idea what the ditty was I wrote above, I don’t know if it’s a poem or a song or a litany and it literally came from nowhere.  This happens at times, it’s like I go into a trance and write poems and I have no idea what I’ve written until it’s finished.

Sometimes I get my best work doing that.  Well anyway, song or poem, I hoped you liked it.

 

 

 

 

 

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from above

On scaly wings I fly

Immortal I won’t die

I see the world around me

Nothing can astound me

Precious lives come and go

I see them all below

© Tina Cousins 2013

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My work thinks I’m scary!

I have this problem where I believe that most of the things I’ve put on my blog is worthy of deletion.  I have very little confidence that it’s anything interesting, and I am pleasantly surprised at how many people like the posts and are following me.

I find it very hard to not delete posts, I feel very tempted to delete one or two poems and the Kithara story because I don’t think Kithara is going anywhere, even though I do have a game plan for her.

I also feel that some of my personal stuff should also be deleted, yet, I feel that my readers should know me.

This has been my problem my whole life.  I’ve never approached a publisher because I don’t feel I am any good; also I never wanted fame, I am not saying I am fame reaching nowadays, not at all, but I am more comfortable in people knowing me now, because I am more confident in myself generally.

I know a lot of writers aren’t famous, yet they’ve probably done more work than the big pots.  I am also smart enough to realize that writing and being published doesn’t mean you’ll have a stable income, I write for pleasure, I want people to read my stuff, I want people to enjoy my stuff and if I am going to be completely honest with you – I write what I want to read and what I would like to see on the television.  Silly I know, but that’s my fuel.

Now you’re probably thinking that there isn’t much need for televised poetry, well, I know this blog concentrates mostly on my poetry, but, as a rule, I write epic sized novels and series type books because I never know when to shut up, basically.

In the past I’ve been known to write a lot, and I mean a lot!  I used to write enough to pile up knee high every three months on average, the amount of work I wrote, but – because I don’t feel I am good enough, I used to have regular bonfires!  SHOCK HORROR!

That depresses me, because there’s many stories I flung into the flames of hell, that I wished I kept, because actually, thinking back, they were quite good.  Thing is, I forgot most of what I wrote, ha-ha.

I’m a nightmare.

Thing is, I am in the situation of having very supportive friends and family these days, family as in my husband’s side of the family, not my own.  So, instead of having my regular bonfires, I am now considered a paper hoarder and it’s driving me nuts.

I have an old cot that used to belong to my son, it is the paper holder these days, in a disorganized filing system (if that’s what I can call it) it’s overflowing, I promised myself to sort through it all and try filing it properly, but to be honest, that will take me a few years.  Gosh, I can’t believe I am admitting this so publicly.  Well anyway, I am in the terrible situation that I’ve been told at the end of July one of my husband’s nieces need to move in with us and needs that room, so GAH!

I feel tempted to light the flames of hell again, but my husband is the knight on guard duty for my work, so it seems.

Anyway, I decided that I will try and squeeze all of that work onto the computer somehow and whatever I write from now onwards will be stored on memory sticks and only printed when I need to read it out loud to someone.  The idea is giving me headaches.

So that is a little journey into my never-so-spotless-mind.

Scary, huh?

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