I’m a recovering gaming addict.
I used to play games for hours when I was bedbound sick every single day, right up until around Easter 2022 when I decided enough is enough!
I am tired of being sick and gaming and doing nothing else – I am tired of pretending to be a farmer on Sims4 because I can’t garden anymore. I am tired of being a Sims character with a dog, because I can’t have a dog. I am tired of living a virtual life!
I knew that once I gave up gaming that I might go round the twist pretty quickly because it was the only thing that took my mind off the pain I have every day.
But I came to the conclusion that if I wasn’t gaming as much, then I would be practising art and writing more and for a time that was true.
You have no idea how much I actually miss gaming!
Especially since today I learned that Sims4 updates are becoming cooler than ever!
Sims4 wasn’t the only game I was addicted to when I was a gamer in early 2022 – no – I loved Rome Total war and a Warhammer card game – I loved Bee swarm simulator on Roblox and other games on Roblox too, since I was a toddler I have been a gamer chick!
It was something I held in shame for most of my life, but around the end of 2021 I started to become proud of it and even thought about being a gamer on YouTube doing reviews because of free promotional stuff peeps get on there!
But then I started to try and get mature.
I don’t know why I wanted to do that, because giving up gaming is the only thing that I did – everything else about me is as immature as ever and I am not ashamed to consider myself one of life’s Peter Pan types.
On Twitter today I posted how I want to play Sims4 again today and how I want to eat popcorn and game all night and I really do – but it won’t actually happen… why?
My big gaming machine is downstairs in the living room and we only have heating down there for two hours a day and those two hours are around the time I would eat dinner approximately. Henry has the habit these days whenever he sees me on that machine he either wants to play himself so I can’t enjoy my time on it – or he will try to control which games I play so he can observe or play with me through his laptop – so it’s never my time anymore!
I am starting to get back into the gaming mind-set for the last three days because Henry demanded I go on Facebook Trainstation to play with him for half an hour because he wants boosts and international trains from me to help him get an achievement.
I don’t particularly like Trainstation because its more or less the same all the time and I am bored of it, I got bored of it around five years ago.
But I have got roped into about an hour of that a day since the weekend and its boring – plus I am a little upset it is eating into the time for the only game I play these days which is FlightRising.
I play flightrising as my writing warm up exercise for about 45 to 90 minutes a day, thanks to Trainstation I am only there for ten minutes just to feed the dragons and turn their eggs and scavenge.
I am upset because I have projects I wanted to do on that; I wanted to gene up some of my baby nocturnes from the Night of the Nocturnes festival and level them all up to 25 in the coliseum to sell, because they are all 1st generation babies, which makes them extra special to other gamers.
I can earn approximately 300k of treasure in game per day, but at this rate, with Henry’s demands for Train station, I am barely able to get 30k a day now. Ordinarily that would mean I could splice a gene every two days, but now it could take a month!
I seem to be losing more and more ability to do what I want or need in every manner these days, even eat – it’s all so dumb – everything thing has been taken out of my control!
It’s not just Paul interfering anymore with what I do, it’s now Henry.
I can’t eat most of my dinners anymore, because it’s really stressful. It’s stressful to sit at the dining table with my family, because of the arguments and when I get tense I can’t eat or I start purging, so oftentimes I am going hungry or eating in vain because I can’t keep it down!
Since Henry has been diagnosed with autism it’s like it has given Henry permission to completely revert back to being a toddler!
I go to the toilet and I am disturbed all the time, because he is demanding attention. I wouldn’t mind, I would love to give him attention and get him off the laptop and talk with me – but he does it every time I go to the toilet – I am deaf, I can’t hear him through the door and when I finish he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. This is starting to mess up my system if you get me?
Not that you needed to know that, but this is how highly stressed I am these days living here – I have stomach ache a lot and the only time I can relax toileting these days is after 1am when I know the whole house is going to be quiet and not disturb me!
It’s not right living like this and when I talk to people about their behaviour here, it gets vicious – it gets nasty, I just can’t talk to them anymore, they just won’t be civilised with each other or to me anymore!
I am severely depressed by it all because I feel so trapped here and I am!
I just can’t seem to do anything!
A simple thing like eating a meal, going to the toilet or playing a half hour game on my big machine can cause huge ructions and stress!
I am having nightmares about it – seriously!
The amounts of boring things I used to do day to day is actually becoming something like Ground Hog Day dreams at night time – so I am not getting any respite from reality lately.
I am waking up, thinking certain things have been done, to find they haven’t been – then the realisation it was just a dream starts to eat away at me and I start feeling hopeless and tearful again – because I was pretty sure I swept the stairs last night!
I was pretty sure we bought the new mop.
I was pretty sure the bad neighbour was seen moving out yesterday!
I am pretty sure I found my missing vampire files last night!
It’s all really sending me around the twist now.
I really feel like I am descending into madness and everything is like déjà vu or repeating itself!
Maybe I am already dead and I am trapped in limbo like my mum always said I would be, because I am not baptised and was born out of wedlock – I am after all, in her opinion “The Devil’s child” anyway!
Thanks for reading and pray for my sanity please!