Weight issues explained

I am still going through the process of trying to define myself and I am not doing so with confidence, in fact, I feel like I am dragging myself along in a clueless manner and I am frightened of embarrassing myself, but I am trying to overcome that fear!

One of the major things is my self-image, how I look; because in my mind I am hideous!

I feel that my eyes are too squinty when I smile and I am embarrassed by that and that makes me feel a huge pang of guilt, because my eyes are an inheritance of my Singaporean and Vietnamese ancestors.  Henry has also inherited these eyes.

I have always been bullied for my squinty eyes or my cunning, sly looking eyes and I have always been called a snake in the grass etc, before a person even knows me – because a lot of peoples first impressions are – those eyes look untrustworthy as they seem too stereotypical of those characters of cunning and sneakiness.

Even my own mother has hated my eyes for apparently having this ulterior motive undertone to them and she has often called me a sneaky girl because of it.  Primarily because she knows it hurts, as people at school often point out my eyes and call them weird.

I love the colour of my eyes, but not the shape, I am very proud of having the almost rare green eyed gene.

Another thing I hate is my general face shape; it is an inverted triangle, one of the worst shapes in the world in my opinion, because no matter what your weight is, you will always have a fatter looking face!

I have never really got the hang of shaping my eyebrows either – I have never really had any feminine role-models to personally help me hone my self-preening skills.  They have only been the people I could find with a similar face shape on YouTube, but no one to really guide me on a one to one personal level and I don’t feel confident enough to approach professionals, especially with my more than limited budget.

To make matters worse, I am suffering from malnutrition due to a digestive problem I have and this is starting to cause alopecia – which I am getting very self-conscious about.  This digestive problem is making me lose a lot of weight and is making me eat only eight hundred calories a day on average, a good day I will eat as much as eighteen hundred calories in a day – this has meant in the past six months I am losing an average of two or three pounds a week!

Because of the weight loss and lack of money, I am struggling to buy clothes that look half decent on me, I have got used to wearing over-sized stuff, because I just can’t budget new clothes anymore!

I look a mess and so I have been dawdling about updating my latest profile pic, due to all of these embarrassing factors that are happening in my life!

I have also tried my best to use YouTube tips in putting make up on for the picture update – but I think I look like a clown!

So many people are curious as to what I look like now and I will show you two pictures!  The first picture is of me in 2018 and the next picture is of me today (or rather when this post was written – 11th June 2022)!

I was sick in bed with this pic – no make up on and this was in early 2018.
This is a tired me on 11th June 2022, with maybe too much make up? I am sorry about the lighting, but it took me 45 minutes to get this done – all kinds of posing and reapplying make up – but the light was just not right… I will try again later on in the year to get a better quality picture done! I had no help and I know, the make up is just TOO MUCH! Though, not around the eyes so much, because, my eyes were genuinely puffy and tired when I took this, not to mention hay fever!

In the 2018 picture, there is a large mark on my face which has now gone completely, it was a skin cancer scare – a scare, because it wasn’t that at all, but a wart, lol, its gone now! I found out by accident when I starting to clean my face with aloe vera and witch hazel daily, it faded within six weeks!

It’s likely I will lose another forty pounds between now and the emergency consultant assessment date.

Though its worrying Paul, I am taking advantage of it whilst I can by trying to make myself exercise and tone up the excessive skin I am getting because of it – because let’s tell the truth, I was obese in 2018 – I am thankful for that, because imagine what I would look like now if this happened and I wasn’t!

What makes matters worse is I have a history of eating disorders that the doctors are aware of, which makes them feel it could be self-inflicted again.

When I am sad and miserable, I don’t eat (and go into anorexia and bulimia quite easily).

When I am angry or stressed and under pressure I compulsively eat and occasionally become bulimic.

When life is OK or I am happy – I eat regularly but I nibble rather than eat good sized meals.

I also have a history of having aggressive feeder abusers, which made me obese – as well as my mother having the attitude of eat this or starve mentality with me to the extreme, basically if I refused to eat what she gave me, no matter what it was or how regular she was feeding me, she would then cut out food for the next day or make access to food difficult.   What I mean is, if I didn’t finish everything on the plate, she would think that the next day I wouldn’t want anything either, sometimes mealtimes were timed, this meant I ate fast! This meant that my body had an unstable dietary schedule, which meant anything I did eat turned instantly to fat because it never knew when I would be made to starve again.

This stabilised for the first time in my life since living with Paul.  I was also struggling to eat less calories than I was used to, when I used to be athletic and active.  I needed an average of 3k calories a day sometimes 4.5k calories, otherwise I would black out due to not eating enough fuel.  When I became sick and could no longer exercise the weight started to pile on again, though I was away from my mother’s influence and I had to relearn how to eat normal portions whilst becoming involuntarily sedentary due to sickness.

Thankfully living with Paul I was able to eat at my normal speed, which is actually very, very slow!  I am always the last at the table to finish a meal! 

When I ran away from my mother the last time in 2009 I was 305llbs in weight at 5ft 8!

When I broke from my mother entirely in 2013 I had exercised and dieted down to 190llbs at 5ft 8 and generally looked muscular and slightly chubby, but nothing near how I was!

In winter of 2014 I got badly sick with a chest infection that never really healed fully and other ailments came on, I started the steady process of gaining weight due to becoming sedentary.

By 2018 I became 258llbs due to becoming sedentary because of illness, but never eating any more than 2100 calories in one day.

Now I eat an average of 800 calories and twice a week 1500 calories and I am losing a steady 1 to 3 pound a week in weight, still sedentary due to sickness! 

Paul is worried, but I understand from a medical point of view, it is also necessary though concerning.

The features I am most proud of are my eye colour and the fact that I have an unusually tiny waist, even for someone who is considered big!  I also have strong looking legs that go all the way up!  Some rude people call them hockey legs, but most men I have dated in the past reckon that my legs are one of my best features as well as my waist.

I have an hourglass shaped body.

I am not confident yet to show a full length picture, but I am working on getting this done by Christmas – when I would have no doubt lost a lot more weight due to sickness.

I am not deliberately starving myself – I just can’t physically eat more than half a sandwich worth of food without pain more than three times a day anymore and I don’t mean to make you all feel sick – but I can’t keep it down if I push more than that down myself.

I had to remove some cousins from my social media a few weeks ago who insinuated that it is bull-shit that I have an illness and this is happening to me, because in their opinion I must have had a secret bariatric surgery or something, because it shows all the signs – but no, I haven’t!

Unless I was kidnapped by body conscious aliens and had it done in my sleep one night, which I somehow doubt!

These are the main health concerns I am having recently, along with my neurological problems and my breathing issues which seem to hinting at COPD and MS, but we’re not clear yet to be honest!

So here are the photos below… enjoy… or not… but please keep negative comments to yourself!

Though make up tips would be a huge help!

Thanks for reading!

P.S Sorry for the nightmares!

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Singing rose of the night

You are like a black rose

You are dark and intriguing

But I dare not to touch

For you may prickle me with your thorns

And hurt me so much

I watch from a distance as you creep along

Watching the moonlight

Singing your songs

I follow your footsteps in the shadows you go

I keep on watching

Though it brings me much woe

For I can never have you

For your thorns, they do sting

But I cannot help listening

To your voice that does sing

I love you so much

Rose of the night

I am in love with you

My heart I cannot fight

I dream that some day

You will fade away

So I can stop feeling in this helpless way

Maybe I will die

May I won’t?

But I hope that I will forget you

I’ll go mad if I don’t

I need to think about an escape

A place to go

Away from your shape

I need to try and forget all about you

For I love you and you don’t have a clue

It is too much

To watch you each night

My heart it keeps going

I cannot fight

I will starve to death

Watching you all the while

How do you do this to me?

Your haunting style…

I am thin and I am shrinking

I am fading away

Because watching you sing

Makes me feel happy and gay

I am locked in this bliss

I know you are bad

But I cannot leave you

That would make me sad

I keep watching you

Singing to the moonlight

I cannot leave

I cannot fight…

I am weak now

I cannot follow

Your shadows have gone

I can only wallow

In the tears and the sorrow

That you have now gone

Because I am now dying and can’t follow your song

I lay here in wait

For you to come back

But death has a hold

The night fades to black

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Anthropomorphic dystopian 1

Anthropomorphic dystopian 1

The above is a mouthful, but that is not its real name, aren’t you relieved?– its real title will give away too much about what is in the story and we don’t want to do that this early on!

The general themes in the story are as follows;

Cyberpunk

Anthropomorphic animals

War

Revenge

Dystopian

Survival

Imprisonment

Inventions

And last but not least – comedy

The above story has been inspired by;

The animals of Farthing Wood

Wind in the Willows

Watership Down

Mad Max beyond the thunderdome

Secret life of pets

The hunger games

Nuclear warfare

Rude dog and the dweebs

Frankenweenie

And very much Tim Burton inspired

The above is the work that is likeliest to be sent out first and it is only really a couple of months away from being perfected to its final draft!  However, with the upcoming surgeries I am going to be having, it is best that this work should not be sent any sooner than mid-autumn, potentially before winter – though November to the second week of January is not the best time to send anything to an agent – it’s their busiest time of the year!

So unless it’s polished before NaNoWriMo 2022, it may not be sent until late January 2023, but I am working on it being sent out by early October!

This book will be a series, so this is only book one that will be polished by then and I know that agents are not keen on new writers sending in series as a first approach, but I think this is something special and I am sure they will see it too?

I have spoken to a handful of very close friends about this story and I have several people excited over it – this is why this story became my primary focus and I dropped my original first novel whilst I do this one.  Because, the other story I think should be my first novel – is actually less exciting to my friends than this project.

Some friends think I should ditch it as a novel and make it a comic, but I have had other friends suggest that my prose like writing does better as a novel and that to write it as a comic may actually kill the story’s effect overall.

Time will tell – it may be a case that it may turn into a comic a few years down the line, I don’t know if that sort of thing happens, but I suppose it’s possible?

Anyway – happy reading!

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Adding a lot more sneak peeks

I have decided to add up all my current projects, finished and unfinished to this blog – or rather sneaks of the tropes and inspirations that caused them to exist as my works in progress.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have over seventy nine stories that are either finished or nearly finished, which I have been writing since I was ten years old, some are more recent ideas – fresher.

Every couple of days I will add a new project in action for you to peep at.

All of the current projects I will add are works that I want to actually publish some day!  I am not bothering with those that didn’t make the grade – sorry!

So the first one will be published on this blog tomorrow…

Remember, sneak peeks only!

Happy reading!

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Stop contributing to suppression

I am falling down a rabbit hole lately; I feel like I am chasing approval, because there are many issues being raised within the book review and writing community which state certain likes and dislikes regarding various ideologies or classic works of the past – that seem to clash with my own work.

What I mean to say is, I am discovering as time is going on that the Western World is becoming increasingly intolerant to many subjects that is severely stifling not only personal freedoms of speech, but creativity – society is going on a big ban of almost everything collective mind-set, which is dangerous because, intolerance is suffocating the world.

Yes, OK, I understand that certain subjects in literature can be triggering, but you can’t keep sweeping things under the carpet – these things go on in the world and did go on in the world, yes the world changed, but to lock it all away and forget it is dangerous – dangerous because history will repeat itself if it is forgotten.

Yes certain subjects like suicide, rape and violence are horrific and should never ever be glorified, but to ban literature for having those themes will simply make these things manifest further underground and we really don’t want to make things go more underground – these things need to be exposed and these things need to be remembered.

For me personally, my rape and sexual abuse was absolutely horrible and I don’t think I could ever have got over it, if I had not have read other people’s biographical accounts of what happened to them!  It made me feel less alone and understood, before I read those books, I felt like nobody really understands what it is like to be a rape victim.

Same with suicide, if the literary works that contained suicide scenes and biographies of those going through that dark mental state had been banned, I would never have learned to cope with my own dark thoughts – I would have literally have been left in the dark…

Books such as Mein Kampf have been banned in many countries over the years and I have read this book, because I wanted to know why he hated certain people so much.  It did not make me sympathise with him in anyway whatsoever, but it enlightened me to the true horrors of the war with its depths and behind the scene snippets.

There is another book I read called The Women of Hitler, which again, mentioned events that I had no idea went on during the war – it is an eye opener and the scariest thing I have ever read.  The idea that a woman could do the things that they did to babies, it goes against feminine nature.  Absolutely no words can describe how this book made me feel… more than just shocking… I really don’t know what word can describe more than shock for the description of how I felt reading this book!  It is more than horror, for no horror book could ever top what is mentioned and described in this book!

Having very close Jewish blood, it makes me understand why over half the members of my family in my great grandmothers generation decided to become Catholic and pretend that they were never Jewish – this startled many Jewish families into going into hiding on a permanent basis. 

My mother is still terrified about anti-Semitism still existing in the world today, that she begs that I never mention my ancestral past, but I won’t do that.  I am not ashamed of it, I defy the haters.  Paul my partner, is also scared about me getting too involved in my Jewish roots and teaching my son of them – but why?  Why has the world still not accepted a culture that has been around for millennia?

Why are some people still terrified to the extent they deny their roots and urge their friends of those cultures, to abandon those roots too for their own safety sake?

I did not enjoy reading what I read, but it helped me learn a lot about humanity.

It is vital that no area of life and events should ever be banned in literature – the world needs to know – it has a right to know!  And I for one will fight hard and true to ensure that nothing is swept under the carpet and hidden – for those who don’t like it, all I can say is… this shit happens, stop living in cloud cuckoo land!

I am learning more and more classical literature is becoming out of print because it upsets people.  The world shouldn’t be pandered to regarding this, they need to learn!  Future generations need to learn!

If we don’t get a handle on this soon, book burnings are going to be so commonplace, that it will revert society back to the dark ages!  That’s a scarier place to be than those offensive books!

Please, please, please… think about this!

You don’t have to like it, you don’t ever have to give the books a stunning review, in fact do the opposite if it upsets you – but never, ever vouch to hide it!

I said in a recent post – you can tell a lot about an author based on what they write… you don’t have to like them, but you need to know those people still exist, they need to be exposed and they need to be watched.

I don’t mean stalked – just watched, carefully… watch their fans more so… only then will the world stamp out such things.  But do it mindfully, carefully, never with hate and malice and certainly don’t try to supress it… because what happens when people try to suppress others?  It causes anger and anger causes violence and violence turns into bloodshed and war that is what we as a species are trying to prevent.  We are trying to bring peace to Earth; no negativity is going to do that, even if it is so-called positive negativity!  No negativity is ever positive!

So where was I going with this post?

I became a writer because I want to write mostly movies – my second motivation is healing from the crap I have experienced in my own life… so that does that mean?

It means in order for me to heal from what has happened to me, I need to write similar scenes in my stories to get it out there – off my chest, but also into the open to let people understand how certain people think and work…

I have a lot of very useful and needful information to share with the world through my fiction, but I feel as though I can’t do that anymore, because it might upset people.  It is actually damaging my mental health a lot more, because of this feeling of more suppression… a thing I have been fighting against most of my life!

Isolation and suppression!

I had hoped that my descriptions of scenes, though they will be horrible, will also help others who have experienced similar things.  Helped some isolated and supressed people learn how to get away from it and heal – but if my books are going to be rejected by agents and publishers because of awful and ban-able content, how can I do that?  How can I help those people?

How can I heal myself?

It’s fine to be all righteous about taboo subjects in literature when you have never experienced such horrors, but please learn to understand that the world isn’t all about you – it’s about all of us and the whole world! 

Some people need to read it – others don’t, so please don’t suppress those who need it, for your own selfish reasons! 

Because, ultimately, you will be contributing to a world where individualism and freedom becomes rarer and that’s terrifying!

Happy reading…

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Spleen problems

Occasionally I have problems with my spleen; I have an auto-immune condition which is sometimes affected by the spleen.  In the past few days my spleen has been swollen again, this has meant that I have to be very careful about what movements I do and it also means I am in constant pain with it.

This is worrying for me, because I have minor surgery coming up in the end of July – it has nothing to do with the spleen.  But if it is still swollen by then, my surgery may be pushed back.

One of the major reasons why I can’t do much day to day is because of pain, some days are worse than others and sometimes the pain and swelling can mean I can’t move around much at all or even receive cuddles/hugs, because it could rupture the spleen unintentionally.

The swelling affects my posture and I hate poor posture!  It also means I find it hard to be in bed, because I can’t lay on my left side at all and I can’t have my ear drops when my ear infections are playing up (as I also have auto-immune inner ear disease) – it also means when I lay on my right side I can’t have my arm at my side like normal… you can imagine the discomfort I am in!

It has affected my ability to read large books, which is annoying because I was currently reading seven books and four of which are encyclopaedic in size!

It has also affected my appetite yet again, meaning I am eating even less than before, I can’t even manage a whole sandwich now!

On a positive note, it hasn’t yet affected my ability to write.

But it has put a stop to my new exercise regime and any ideas about helping Paul in the garden.

I thought, whilst my appetite was low anyway, I would take advantage of it and do some exercises to help tone myself up so I don’t get the dreaded loose skin problem, as I was quite chubby to begin with!

My spleen started to swell because I got cocky in my exercises and showed off to my house rabbit (of all people) that “look!  Mama can still belly dance after all these years”! And I set my spleen off again and it swelled up over the course of a few hours after its initial bang of pain!

I miss belly dancing, it was really good exercise for the tum and made me feel sexy for a change!

So at the moment my family and I are living in constant fear that my spleen might rupture at any moment.

Thought we’d give you all the heads up!

I will try and keep you posted on my condition.

Thanks for reading!

P.S the post about the minor surgery was written a couple of weeks back and at the moment the surgery is still on. As I said, its nothing to do with the spleen, it is another matter.

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Minor surgery in July and a caution…

I am having minor surgery in the last week of July, so for around three days I may not be quite myself – I don’t do well under anaesthetic, so unless I have scheduled posts for then, I might be quiet at the end of July and beginning of August.

I have breathing problems and being on my back can worsen this, because of my sinus issues and the fact that it is likely to be the hottest time of the year too – meaning, I don’t breathe well in the summer anyway… so I am more than a little worried about even such a minor procedure like what I am having… I don’t want to discuss what I am having done, but it is enough for me to go under general, it is worrying.

But because I have been in a state of apathy for the last eight years about being alive, I kind of have a MEH attitude to whether or not it’s serious or not.  In other words, I am not entirely out of the woods for being suicidal, so if I die during it, I don’t care… but I care about the poor doctor who is having me under the knife and I care for my son who will be left behind, because he can’t cope with life at the moment as it is and has been needing a lot of mental health charities himself to get him through the year so far.

So it’s not the matter that I don’t want to die on the table – it’s the matter of, I don’t want people to suffer when I do.

This sets me apart from those people who readily curse others in their lives – it’s not the person you hate that gets the brunt end of that sort of thing – it’s the collateral damage left behind after you succeed with it, with other people in their lives, who you have hurt with your actions!

Think about that…

Karma will balance you out; based on what you do and how many people are affected positively or negatively with what you have done!

It’s not just between you and your victim, you know?

Happy reading…

P.S this is just one or two predicted surgeries for the coming year.

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All I want is a garden

All I really want is to nurture nature’s garden

Growing pretty flowers, everywhere

All I really want, is to walk around this garden

Watching all the wildlife here and there

I want pretty roses, sunflower, pansies and posies

Scattered far and wide and I don’t care

I want a quiet life

I don’t want any strife

I just want my pretty garden, it’s in my prayer

I need my little Eden

Don’t call me a horrid heathen

I love helping nature everywhere!

I don’t ask for much in life

I just want peace, not strife

So send me to a garden – anywhere

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Mother nature reclaims

My dream is that nature, wins this horrid war

That mankind has raged upon it, because they want more and more

My dream is Mother Nature

Will have enough of it

She’ll raise an army of flowers

To smother the human shit

She’ll wake up the goblins

Deep down in the earth’s bowels

She’ll make them fight the humans

With a solemn vow

That they can’t treat her planet

The ways they’ve always have

Because mother nature

Has reclaimed her pad

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You are dark like me

If my existence bothers you

And you do the things that you do

Then why are you still here? Give a clue…

If I drive you mad for years and years

That you sit and stalk and curse in tears

Then why do you watch me so?

Please tell me, I want to know…

If it pains you that I am alive

Then why do you watch me and won’t let me thrive?

Why are you so keen day to day, to keep on being this way?

What have I done to deserve this curse?

Because I didn’t join you in verse?

Then you must be tortured for I am only one

One of billions, who won’t praise the son

You are stupid, but you don’t see

That you are nearly the same as me

Because you call me dark, but you should know

Because only darkness can bring people woe

You bring me sadness, you bring me fear

You keep on watching, near and near

You are dark, but you don’t see it

You think you are light…

But you can’t be it!

Not if you can do what you do

Come on, wake up, you have no clue!

You are as dark as me… it’s true…

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