Shingle me this…

My new writing and art area has been put on hold for a couple of weeks due to illness, this time it is not me;

On Wednesday, Paul woke up with a rash on his chest, it was quite small at the time and he thought it had something to do with the new deodorant he started to use the day before, but it wasn’t.  On Friday that same rash spread all around to his spine and even more on his chest but had turned into hundreds of red raw looking blisters!  Turned out he has shingles and now (because I have a suppressed immune system) we have resorted to sleeping in separate rooms for the time being. 

I have heard that people who have had their second covid vaccine may get shingles approximately 16 to 20 weeks later, as a high number has, but the doctor insists this isn’t the case for Paul and that it must be stress because of the worry about my pending neurological diagnosis.  I have to admit, I don’t believe that.

Paul is not taking this well, it is mostly the medicine that is making him exhausted, but I am still worried because of his age, despite how healthy he is for his age I am worried.  Paul is twenty seven years my senior!

I still hope however selfishly this may sound, that we will be able to set up the new desk and art area before the 1st October in time for my daily posts for inktober; but if this doesn’t happen by then, the art will still be done, but may be added to the blog a week or two later.  At least my art table is set up, just not in the new area, that’s all.  My inks and sharpies may be a little dry now as I haven’t done much art with inks or sharpies since Easter, but I hope they’ll be Okay, Paul says that they are water based inks so should be fine with a touch of water.

Having Paul ill like this has made me realise just how much I simply can’t manage without him, I have to admit it is an eye opening time for us all right now!

I am somewhat getting used to typing via laptop however much it does lag and some of the keys do not work on first punch (is that the right word?).  So I am starting to do a little bit of typing on my adjustable table on the sofa downstairs or rather, right now, in bed, because everybody had decided to live upstairs since Paul has become sick. 

I feel sorry for Paul because we do not have a TV aerial for the spare bedroom, even though we have a spare old TV for him, he is missing a lot of his favourite science documentaries and the meds are making him feel too sick to eat, he has lost weight even in this short time.

I am also annoyed at him for not wanting help, he still thinks he can do everything even when he is swooning around on the verge of passing out!

Anyway, we will hope he slows down soon and gives himself a break!  He needs it!

Happy reading, everyone!

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new working areas

Writing has been difficult in the past few weeks, due to the annoying fact that my arms are losing strength when typing and the computer desk has been too high for me to type for longer than 10 minutes at a time, without going numb.

I have become almost unbearable to live with because of my temper in regards to not being able to type or even play many online games as my arms won’t let me. 

Paul has helped massively, he has an adjustable table for me now for my laptop and that has meant I can do more things again.  But, typing on my laptop is laggy and frustrating and I make many mistakes, not to mention the lighting on the screen is very sharp.  So, once again Paul decided to take measurements for me and has moved furniture around the living room and bedroom for me.

The new areas for writing are a corner in the bedroom and living room.  Bedroom because I have insomnia and often want to write at night, but also because I get very tired during the day sometimes and often find myself upstairs.  We are planning to maybe make a change again next year; to make the spare bedroom into an upstairs living room for winter, because downstairs is far too cold! 

The corner of the living room will have an L shaped desk at the end of my art table by the end of the week, because I have become a grumpy living nightmare since I can’t work as much as I want to creatively.

Paul is doing all of this for me, unfortunately it has meant that my rabbit has been moved to live in the hallway now, because we don’t have the room anymore in the lounge. 

I will be learning on skill share soon to set up a YouTube channel and editing videos, so I will become a vlogger as well as a blogger in the near future.  I cannot commit to more than once a fortnight for a video just yet though.

I do intend, once the desk I set up properly, to do NaNoWriMo this year, because there are four books nagging me like mad lately in my head.  I am also doing inktober and I will be posting my art daily all of the month of October, with any luck!

Doctors are taking all of my symptoms as a matter of urgency and I have to admit, I am scared.  Normally, I am told that there is a two year waiting list for neurology in this area, but the doctors are pushing for me to be seen within 16 weeks.

I am told what they suspect might not be good.  So there is a lot of stress in my life right now and a lot of limitations as I am literally struggling to do everything! 

Because I am a determined and stubborn person, this lack of being able to do anything, has made me very snappy and I have been losing my will to think positively or even plan for a future to be honest.  Despite what I have said about my creative plans, I somehow feel I am just setting myself up for failure, simply because I don’t have the energy to be as consistent as I would like.  I am also scared that if I become successful in my ventures in the future, that I won’t be able to keep up with the demands of the work or the demands of my agents.  Because I am rarely able to keep up with the demands of going to the doctor surgery because I can’t wake up, or my mucus production is so strenuous on a day, that no taxi will take me to the surgery on the account of me choking and coughing so much as they think I have covid – when I don’t!

So, this is the update of what’s going on here with me and what I hope to plan to do in the future.  Let’s just hope I can actually get to do these things and let’s hope that the doctor hasn’t any real reason to worry, shall we?

 Also, my mental health has had a huge bashing over this; I am literally bawling my eyes out at the slightest thing and becoming a complete emotional train wreck!

Anyway – happy reading and I hope to write again next week at some point.

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Update on whereabouts

Where have I been again?  You may well ask, originally I couldn’t type for around 3 to 4 weeks because I somehow injured my hand, I still don’t know what happened to it.  Woke up one morning and couldn’t use it, it was so painful and I had to even change my diet to accommodate a spoon fed way of eating. 

I couldn’t use my other hand as a substitute and go down the route of cutting things with forks, because that hand is permanently disabled and doesn’t work well due to being deformed. 

I then caught a very bad head cold that made doing most things difficult and then a chest infection.  During the chest infection something then happened where my shoulder and arm lost its entire strength and I was lopsided for about 2 weeks, as there was a noticeable slack to my shoulder muscle. 

I gave up trying to do anything to the blog after all of this for the last 3 weeks because of the summer holidays and everybody who is a long term reader here knows how difficult I find working with Henry home as there is little support in keeping him out of my hair.  Not to mention, that Paul is also badly injured, so couldn’t take Henry out for walks and hiking like he’d usually would.  He has an Achilles problem we think, it’s hard to tell as he won’t see a doctor about it.

Henry starts High school for the first time on Friday and he is dreading it.

Henry has been having a lot of emotional problems in the past couple of years, quite serious anger and depression issues, but school so far has poo-pooed this as being something caused primarily by Covid isolation, but it was something that was building up around a year or two beforehand.  Since Henry was eight years of age, he has been having suicidal thoughts and that unnerves me because I have never ever known anyone as young as that to be that depressed and is not trustworthy enough when he is angry to be around sharp objects!  There is surprising little support about this primarily because of waiting lists and Covid didn’t help with that.

Until Henry actually attempts to physically harm himself in a manner of which can be officially proven, Henry is not considered an emergency case, even if he does punch himself in the face and chest really hard, because the bruising is not sufficient (whatever that means) he can wait.

Henry’s life, I admit has not been an easy one, it is no wonder he is growing up to become an angry and bitter soul.  He is a member of Warwickshire Young Carers because he has me (a sick mum) and a sort of elderly father.  Though I impose no care routine on Henry, school felt that the young carers could give him emotional support because his mother’s health and future is uncertain.

Along with this, Henry has experienced a lot of death in his father’s family and the majority of family communication from Paul’s side has stopped because certain people have passed away or they have their own illnesses or problems and cannot commit to visiting more than once a year on average.  In Henry’s small life, he has heard of nine family deaths, and four serious family illnesses.  Four of the deaths affected Henry directly because three were his main child carers when I went in and out of hospital.  There is no one we can rely on for that anymore, so basically I have to skip hospital appointments if they coincide with Henry’s holiday times.  A family friend also died of Covid recently.

Along with this we also have a problematic neighbour which makes Henry nervous to go out into the garden anymore, in fact, so do I.

I’d like to move but Henry doesn’t and Paul respects Henry’s wishes on that.

Because I don’t feel safe with this excessively nosy, rude and obnoxious neighbour, Paul and I have planned to get a dog.  We did organise a border collie with a farmer, but the breeding went wrong and they only had 2 pups which survived the birth and we have to wait another two years.  But luck has it that we may end up by Christmas with a bloodhound, because a local man wants to give away a couple of his pups to a good home for free and he said he won’t want them to go before they are 6 months of age.  It is likely to be a female bloodhound and a solid colour, very light brown or as the man calls it, yellow.

In the past I was very skilled at training dogs and was once offered a position as a police dog trainer but my mother made me turn it down, because I have to bring my work home with me and she didn’t want extra dogs in the house.

A bloodhound will be a new experience and I have done a lot of research on the breed to see if I can cope.  Physically maybe not, but if all else fails you can walk a dog with a disability scooter, lol.

But I think… though Paul disagrees and thinks I am way too optimistic…. That I am only as sick as I am because I am not motivated for doing things for myself.   I live for others; I have never lived for myself.  Paul has always endeavoured to take a lot of my responsibilities away from me because he wants to indulge in caring for me and also Henry.  So Paul doesn’t need me and neither does Henry, every time I try to do something for either of them, someone else takes over.  I guess that’s why I am so sick, it’s a form of depression – I don’t feel needed.  I don’t feel I would be missed.  I have absolutely forbidden both Paul and Henry to do anything with the dog if we get one.  Because I think, I need that needed feeling back again and I think a dog is the answer!

I am trying to find new ways to feel needed.

I know I sound like a sad bugger saying all this.

But I need to try to find something that makes me feel that I have some value.

So, I have a webcam and mic now – I am researching skill share and other things about how to set up a YouTube channel and how to create an art and writing business.

I am hoping to start the YouTube channel by January 1st, perhaps sooner; I don’t know how long it will take me to learn all this technological stuff to do it.

I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading!

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injury

this post is slowly written by my left hand. I have injured my right hand quite badly that all computer work and any kind of movement with my usual right hand is extremely painful, I do not know how long this will last. So, I expect to be inactive on this blog for at least a month.

Sorry everyone xx

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Filed under Inspirational Stuff

Henry’s project and vampires in the family?

Henry has dragged me into his school project and the school has requested the family tree.  Well, it will take me around 2 weeks to type and print it all up from Genesreunited because I can’t afford to have the site deliver it to me.

Curiously I realised there is a historic name there of a 2x great grandmother who apparently fled Brasov in the 1870s because of accusations she was a vampire, which is interesting and funny, considering I am obsessed with vampire mythology and never noticed her name before!  Vakarelski! 

It is even more amusing that she is on my father’s side of the family, because my grandmother of my mother’s side said we are Romanian on her side (though I found no proof yet), so it looks like I may have Romanian in two lines after all!

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No dreamtime respite

I used to look forward to going into dream time because it was a respite from the harsh realities I have to live with; but in recent months, sometimes my dreams are worse than reality.

It seems as though everything in dream time is hyped up into showing me my worst fears or accentuating my deepest worries into something more sinister.

I used to have nightmares like this all the time right up until I was 19, then they faded until only last summer.

Usually the dreams would be symbolic to the problems I was facing in real life, these days, those very problems are very clear and prominent in dream time, and they are no longer hiding in the facades of monsters and giant aggressive animals like when I was a child.  They are for what they are, the people I have the problems with and with the exact concerns I have cropping up into my dream time every single night.

There doesn’t seem to be a safety place anymore, it is gone, dream time was my safe place and it’s betrayed me.

Only last night I dreamt that a person I have problems with in real life, was there, we moved house, but a worse neighbour was waiting for me at that new house, so we decided to move back to our old house.  So, it seemed in this dream that whenever we tried to go back to the less worse problem we would arrive at a cul-de-sac where worse problems and scenarios were turning up to ruin my plans.  Every movement made the whole thing worse at every turn.

Though we are planning to move house when the money to do so comes, we are still keeping the house in a trust for Henry my son.  Henry wants to keep this house in the family, because it has been a part of his father’s family for 64yrs and Henry loves his ancestry and is currently doing a big project at home about his family tree to show his school at the end of the year.  This project was not prompted by his school; this is just something Henry wants to do.

One thing is clear though, I no longer feel there is privacy or safety within my own home anymore; especially when the neighbour causing problems is leaving ladders out in the front garden overnight and won’t listen to Paul when he suggests that maybe not a safe thing to do?

What makes it a whole lot worse is I had insomnia before he became a problem, now I just fear to sleep at all now, hence why I do nothing anymore, no energy!

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Health update 12th June 2021

Because I am spending more time in bed due to my immune system having a major crash for the last week, nearly two weeks now, I have re-established my addiction to Codeword puzzles.

I seem to be completing them faster these days; I am starting to become a bit more of a word geek than I was before. 

Also, I tried to get back into playing online word games such as word tornado and scrabble on my laptop in bed as I decided I could do things in bed on my laptop as at least I would be more productive than just watching YouTube videos on TV and reading books.  But guess what?  BT decided to update this areas exchanges so internet connection has been tetchy and almost non-existent, so I can’t do that or watch YouTube on TV without a disruption every 15 minutes.

I thought only last Thursday to do this, take the laptop upstairs, play word games and update my blog in bed as I don’t like how my illness dictates to me how much work I do, because I’d rather work downstairs on the desktop computer.  Friday afternoon BT alerted us for the coming week that they will be updating everything and they apologise for any disturbances that they might cause during this time.

I would say “typical” but I am not that kind of person, because I know that certain thought patterns can affect your reality and make things happen.  But I do take it as a sign that Paul is right about the universe trying to get me to rest, because it is hard for me to sit back and rest entirely.  I have never been the kind of person who relishes in relaxing and living with Paul has been an education in that at least.

So, I am here, on my desktop again, only to update this blog and have my dinner before going back up.  I am having a really bad day with my arthritis, inflammation, ear infection and migraine.  I can barely eat because my IBD and IBS is bad too, in fact it is becoming a major concern for Paul and the doctors, because I am now eating in deficit, I am losing inches but not weight which is also confusing.

Since Christmas I have lost 3 and a half inches but no actual pounds, it is visible loss but not scalable other than measurements.  I am not exactly changing my diet either, I just physically can’t eat a whole sandwich anymore, I am having what Paul terms as micro meals or not-so-posh-nouveau-cuisine, just to eat something.  Thing is, I really need a tiny half tea plate of food around 5 times a day to be at the calories I need, but I only really get around 2 now.

My mother if she knew about this wouldn’t believe how little I am eating lately and it’s not by choice, it’s because of pain and the inability to keep things down.  If I eat a whole sandwich, I will vomit some of it back and that’s not bulimia, it’s just my body rejecting it.  I have a stupid amount of vitamin and mineral tablets I have to take daily because of this.

I joked to the doctor once about how I must be the only fat person they will know to die of malnutrition, in fact they shocked me with their reply; “it’s more common than you think”.  He said.

Let’s put it this way, my mother used to serve me up 6 to 8 fish fingers with 2 or 3 fish cakes, 2 slices of bread, half a can of beans and half a plate of chips as a regular once a week meal.  These days, she doesn’t feed me; she hasn’t seen me in years.  But now if she still knew me she would be shocked that I could only be served 2 fish fingers, two slices of bread, 1 fish cake, 1 spoon of beans, 1 tong serving of chips and I won’t eat everything before my stomach plays up!  This is a bad example of my regular food intake, because that is what I am eating today.  Usually I have stir fry, salad, and veggie frittata (despite egg problem), casserole with veg, or chili (for some reason my stomach can cope with chili despite the disease, which is baffling to everyone).

Yesterday I had quinoa, with beef chili, loads of Mediterranean vegetables, yesterday’s meal was the biggest meal I ate without a problem all week, but I still only ate half of it, but at least it was around 800 calories.

Which was a big contrast to the day before that, as that dinner was 2 slices of vegan cheese on toast, onion, tomatoes, peppers, and a side of celery and carrot and that was it, I couldn’t eat anything else the whole day!

But this has been normal for almost 2yrs, just got worse around 3 months ago.

I’m permanently exhausted and in pain and I am bruising way too easily too.

In a nutshell, my life sucks.

Happy reading!

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Am I wrong? A poem

I don’t like life

It hurts too much

What is the point of living if I can’t do such and such?

Why am I here?

Why do I live?

What does a person like me have to give?

What is the point of carrying on?

So I can sit and write you more depressing songs?

Or tell me please… am I wrong?

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Immune system bites

I feel whooped by my own body

I wake in the morning feeling like I have been in a fight

My immune system bites

And I do not like

Life is pain

So is love

Life is Hell

But… Oh Well…

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Gardening was a help

My depression was getting better and the suicidal thoughts were abating on a huge scale three years ago, because of gardening.  Last year my neighbour has got into a new relationship with a man who is creepy and weird and likes to harass and make me uncomfortable when in my garden to such an extent I haven’t touched or been in my garden to do anything since September 2020. 

The thing is, Paul says there is nothing we can do about a neighbour who is like that unless he becomes an actual physical threat, unless we record him on film doing things.  We don’t have the money to set up cameras with microphones to keep tabs on his behaviour so Paul more or less has a shrug it off attitude about it.  So I don’t garden anymore.

I miss it a lot and I wish we could move away, but Paul just can’t.  We can’t afford to for one thing and for another, this house is suffering from rising damp and the roof is broken in two parts.  We also have persistent black mould, which we have to constantly clean away.  The house is worth good money, but we have to knock 40k off it because of its condition, there are no houses in this area we could buy with what would be left for us, on the sale of this.  Well, not a house in which I could have a garden, there are houses but their gardens are literally 10ft by 10ft, they are basically courtyards of townhouse terraces.

It wouldn’t be so bad but this neighbour is also wilfully destructive, he will lean over the fence and literally cut anything he sees peeping up, whether it is leaning into his garden or not.  He has leant over the fence quite a lot on some cases and nearly fell into our garden to do so in order to cut branches of our pine and ash.  He has started to do something I don’t like as well, which is he is trying to reach over to get my blackberry and train it on a chicken wire netting he has placed on his fence, but Paul keeps going out to snip it just as he thinks he has a chance to get it.

He is a rotten man, there are other things but I won’t mention them.  He also accidentally on purpose stumbles off our shared garden path in the front garden to stomp all over my forget-me-nots, dahlias, lilies, nasturtiums and I have caught him trying to take tomatoes, strawberries and mint from the garden too.

He doesn’t like birds sitting on the fence; he will scare them away or spray them with hoses.  He knows we have two bird feeders and like birds in our garden, but he makes sure they don’t stay long!

My cousin taught me a saying once and I laughed at it, it really does apply to this man “that I can’t believe he was the sperm that won”!

Ugh

I miss gardening and I miss lounging in the garden for hours on end reading from April to October every year.

I really have a strong desire to create a food forest garden, but with a nature hating neighbour like that, it is not going to be easy.  Our gardens are 30ft wide and 50ft long in the back garden; he has decked three quarters of his garden and terraced it making the other bits just lawn. 

He is also an insect squisher.  It is hard for someone like me who loves nature and wants to protect it and rewild spaces with my silly hippy idealisms, to see that someone like that exists only to be destructive as it would seem. 

I am particularly sad that I am very passive and I am not known for being particularly assertive, for me to live with a man who is the same.  I feel there is no defence against such a rotter and I have heard him loudly proclaim in big raucous laughter to his brother and friends that we don’t care what he does to our garden and that makes me feel very hurt and angry and sad.

I asked Paul to get some kind of advice about this, but he seems to think it’s all hopeless, there is no one and nothing we can do against such a person.

So I don’t know what to do.

I hope he doesn’t stay there, but it looks like he might be there for a long haul.

Happy reading I suppose.

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